Donate

Shaq's Slam Dunk Twitter, And The Metamorphosis Of The Very Hungry Clinton

News

Harlem GlobegringoWILLIAM JEFFERSON CLINTON stopped by Z Burger in Tenleytown to pick up a light snack. And what did he order? "A double burger, onion rings, french fries, an apple pie milkshake," a piece of chocolate cake, ice cream, a pickle, Swiss cheese, some salami, a lollipop, a slice of cherry pie, a sausage, a cupcake, a watermelon and a gigantic green leaf. Then he spun himself a GREASY, DEEP-FRIED COCOON and hours later, voilà! BILL THE BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY ...


Guess who was in town Monday night, and guess who didn't care, in the slightest? Yes, critically acclaimed '90s genie KAZAAM made an unannounced visit to the White House, in hopes that he could grant PRESIDENT OBAMA three wishes, and maybe play a quick game of knockout or PIG? Denied! Poor dejected Shaq confided in his Twitter, "The white house wouldn't let me in, whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy." Oh MEGHAN? Woo-hoo! We know someone you should meet ... KAZAAM! ...

Old frumpy floppy disk BILL GATES has too many friends, on the internet, so he had to deactivate his Facebook account, before it exploded. As is often the case, Bill couldn't pick out his real friends from the 10,000 "friend" requests he had. Bill has left Facebook? NO! Say goodbye to the photos of iPerson STEVE JOBS drawing dicks all over a blacked-out Bill, with an iSharpie ...

Thirsty Thursdays! Tomorrow, remorseless cop killer BARACK OBAMA will drink beer, play Xbox and "chill" with Cambridge buttinsky JAMES CROWLEY and professor-homeowner HENRY LOUIS GATES. But what kind of brews should they "bro out" with? Gates enjoys Natural Ice but Crowley is more of a MILWAUKEE'S BEST kind of guy. Of course, Barack Obama only drinks Corona -- or any Mexican beer, Negra Sotomayordelo is fine -- with a dollop of Dijon mustard. Diplomatic beer crisis! Luckily Georgian peace dove JIMMY CARTER has brokered a deal that satisfies all parties. BUSCH will be served! Slow down, Jimmy. Save some Nobel Peace Prizes for the rest of us.

Riley Waggaman's WAGG THE BOG appears constantly here at Wonkette. Send your hot gossip to the usual tips@wonkette.com.

Donate

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Newsletter

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc