Shhhh... Axis Is Listening
With their frosted highlights, shiny faces and blinding white smiles, the Axis of Fun have infiltrated the highest offices of our nation's capital. And good for them! We wanted to learn more about this group of prancing, preening, fun-loving Twinks. We asked around (thanks everybody!), and the overwhelming consensus was that this is indeed an organized group celebrating many forms of douchebaggery. But some people had nice things to say, like the woman who wrote a heartfelt note telling us when she was new to town, the AOF took her in like a cold, hungry, wet-eyed orphan. And she was, you know, a she! So maybe they're not totally bad.
According to our extensive research, we've learned AOF has its, er, members all over the place. Yes, they are among us! Members allegedly include a former mid-level staffer to Dept of State's Karen Hughes, a high level White House staffer, a few Republican Hill staffers, and one member who works for the head of the EPA.
Let's get right to the latest from our esteemed, knowing tipsters:
- "Just thought I'd let you know that the AOF are absolutely freaking out.," read one e-mail. "They're all trying to distance themselves from Mike McHaney, acting like they barely knew him. Which is funny because there are a ton of pics on the internet with McHaney and the AOF. They are desperately trying to figure out who has been leaking information, they are out for blood. Everyone needs to be on the lookout for a gang of queens in pink shirts, roaming Dupont for revenge!"
- "I know a couple of the members of the group.... (I'm not "worthy" of being in the group, but I know some of the guys 1-on-1).... from what I've heard they're PISSED that Wonkette would portray them in such a negative way. As I'm sure you might have already discovered... there are plllllenty of "outcast" DC gays who are happy to provide wonkette lots of info about the people who are in the AOF, an overwhelming majority of which are a bunch of spoiled, self-centered, egomaniacal cokeheads. (not all do coke...but many of them do)."
And some salvos from our most cherished commenters:
- SAINTANDREW: "I admit, I think I know some of these people. They all have their southern fraternity insignias tattooed on their lower backs and like to hark back to college days when they all had girlfriends. At the beach, they have an obligatory 3-swimsuit-change-a-day rule: retro square-cut briefs in the AM, Speedos from lunch-4 PM and macho board shorts for evening wear. I wish I was joking. I guess I was rejected from the group for having pubic hair. Their loss."
- DCSFINEST: "All this AOF bashing seems to be too corroborated to just be isolated opinions of jaded mos. In fact, the AOF is mostly made up of self-loathing, gay republicans who never had social lives or were accepted as being cool kids in their early years. Now they've come out of the proverbial closet, freed from years of rejection, they crave the intoxicating power of popularity. But daily benders drinking cheap martinis and box wine, trips to the tragically trashy beaches of Rehobeth and Leesburg outlets, and enough tanning trysts to cause cancer a few times over will render these desperately seeking acceptance boys nothing more than mere wrinkles of social desperation once they've hit their 30s. And all that time could have been spent doing some good in the world. Oh wait, that's right - they're republicans!"
- LATENIGHTMONEYSHOTS: "Having spoken with some sources close to the Axis Power(bottom)s, M1ke M3Haney was not a member of their "inner circle." As for the monogrammed Rehoboth chairs... sadly true. Their janky sweater party is still TOTES fun though..."
- LOGGERIFIC: "The AOF is nothing more than a conglomeration of mediocre looking, boring, conservative boys with low self-esteems. They should thank God (or Allah as it may be) that they live in DC, where looks and money don't matter nearly as much as in other places, lest they'd be eaten alive."
- CONCERNEDAOFER: "Okay honestly. so we've established that mike was not a close friend of the aof. what's up with the continued attacks and name calling?
...because we're friends with republicans?
...because we have parties?
...because we go to rehoboth?
...because our group of friends (gasp) has a name?
I'm not sure what village of glass houses most of these comments are being written from, but each and every group of friends in dc (and elsewhere) has some characteristic that would look silly if posted on a blog. but you don't see anyone from our group of friends disparaging anyone else in such a public way.
Would you want yourself and all of your friends judged by the (completely inappropriate) actions of someone who you see out at the bars and have a conversation with once every three months? Think about it."
We did think about it. And then we showered and started drinking Stolichnaya. Na Zdarovya!