Donald Trump Jr., whose sexual prowess is only matched reversed by the way he uses roasted wombat cum for hair gel (ALLEGEDLY), has acquired a new t-shirt, and it is his favorite. It is the fanciest t-shirt. He would like you all to have the t-shirt, but in order for him to have the money to buy the t-shirt for you all, he'd have to sell a few things to a couple mobsters here, launder some money through Cyprus or the Caymans there ... look, all your t-shirts are on back order, OK? Maybe if he ends up in jail for playing some role in the Trump Russia scandal, they might give him a job processing all the t-shirt orders for everyone, because it will be a great service to America for you to look as delicious as this:

Oh goodness. On a scale of one to OMG, how many times did you jizz at that picture? Is it the part about how he's literally advertising HIS OWN BODY as "very fake news"? Is it the way he has a dadbod, but still has vaguely more definition in his arms than the rest of the family does, probably because he viciously murders exotic animals and has to pick up their carcasses occasionally, before he gnaws on them with his Trump-ian vagina mouth? Is it the part about how he's just casually standing outside Mar-a-Lago or wherever, but his "perfect" hair is all gussied up fancy, the way he likes it? Did you only jizz because at least it's not Eric Trump, because sweet lord baby jesus in heaven, what is wrong with that boy?

Mmmmmm. Why won't THAT dude model summer's latest fashions for us? Because he's rude, that is why.

Anyway, the answer to all of these questions is that you jizzed four times, and it was for reasons you do not understand. You will be calling your therapist about that very soon.

Poor, poor Junior!

He's dumber than a brick of molten horseshit, and he's just never going to be the prettiest Trump. He will always be living in the shadow of Ivanka -- the one Daddy thinks is super hot -- and Jared -- that skinny in-law twat Daddy seems to have the nastiest crush on -- and meanwhile little Junior is like "Oh I guess I am just putting wombat spooges in my hair for nothing, will Daddy EVER think I am the prettiest?"

No, he will not.

(And no, Junior, you are not prettier than Eric either. You both look like butt herpes pulled a Mt. Vesuvius on your whole face.)

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[Dipshit on Twitter]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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