Shorter CNN: 'Lie To Me, Corey Lewandowski! LIE TO ME, LIE TO ME, LIE TO ME!'
September 17, 2019, in the afternoon: House Judiciary Committee lawyer Barry Berke gets Trump campaign manager/enforcer/dipshit Corey Lewandowski to admit to Congress, multiple times, that he has lied to the media, multiple times. It is like his anti-drug, lying to the media, not that we're saying he would have any use for an anti-drug, allegedly.
September 18, 2019, AKA the very next morning:
WHAT THE FUCK, CNN? WERE YOU BORN YESTERDAY, SOMETIME IN THE HOURS AFTER THE LEWANDOWSKI HEARING IN CONGRESS ENDED?
You know, usually, in a sane world, when you find out a man uses your TV show for nothing more than lying and winning dick-measuring contests with himself, you might say, "Know what? Let's not book that guy anymore." But not CNN, which apparently is rolling around on its back with a doggie boner like "LIE TO ME! LIE TO ME! LIE TO ME!" (Yes, we just compared a cable news network to a dog that gets a boner when you lie to it, because that is probably a thing in furry communities, at least. Fuck if we know, don't question our methods.)
At the very least, "New Day" host Alisyn Camerota seemed to be aware of Lewandowski's admission that he lies to the press all the time, and made some
journalism RATINGS GOLD happen with the shithole guest.
We are going to transcribe this crap to the best of our ability, except for when we write Lewandowski's lines in ALL CAPS, that means we translated them out of his bullshit lie language into something more resembling reality:
CAMEROTA: So Corey, to be clear, you only feel the obligation to tell the truth when you're under oath.
LEWANDOWSKI: Which is clearly more than some of your contributors, BLAH BLAH BLAH ANDREW MCCABE BLAH BLAH WHINE BITCH MOAN YELL BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH JAMES COMEY BLAH BLAH BLAH!
CAMEROTA: You lie to the media.
LEWANDOWSKI: WHINE WHINE WHINE WHINE WHINE MELTDOWN TEMPER TANTRUM "LOOKUH MY DICK!"
CAMEROTA: Hey Corey? You're listening with your mouth. And what I want you to listen to is -- this is important. Do you lie to the media? Yes or no?
LEWANDOWSKI: I've answered your question, Alisyn!
CAMEROTA: Yes or no?
LEWANDOWSKI: I'm as honest as I can be as often as I can be.
CAMEROTA: What does that mean?
LEWANDOWSKI: Which part of that don't you understand?
CAMEROTA: When you lie, Corey, when do you lie? Are you lying now for instance?
LEWANDOWSKI: I'm as honest as I can be with you, Alisyn.
CAMEROTA: Corey, that's not good enough. That's not good enough.
Correct! It is not good enough! It's a shame CNN wasn't made aware that this rapidly aging Eddie Haskell-wannabe bullshitter dumbass Corey Lewandowski lies on air whenever he speaks on air, as he admitted yesterday, before an open session of Congress.
Elsewhere in the interview, Lewandowski said NO CONTEMPT OF CONGRESS, NO CONTEMPT OF CONGRESS, YOU ARE THE CONTEMPT OF CONGRESS, and that he simply could not answer a lot of Congress's questions, because of how the White House made up a bullshit legal "privilege" in order that Lewandowski might continue to cover up for President Crime Boss. It's not worth watching.
This next clip is, though, because -- you'll want to be sitting down for this -- it's Corey Lewandowski lying to the media about what is in the Mueller Report, which he admitted yesterday, and admitted again this morning, that he has not read.
CAMEROTA: So, you confirmed that you were asked to obstruct justice.
LEWANDOWSKI: Noooooo, Alisyn, please, that's not what I confirmed at all!
LEWANDOWSKI: The Mueller report was very clear. There was no collusion. There was no obstruction.
CAMEROTA: That's not what the Mueller report said, Corey!
LEWANDOWSKI: It absolutely says that ... and you should read the page that that states that on!
There is no page that "that states that on."
CAMEROTA: Did you read the Mueller report?
LEWANDOWSKI: No, I never did.
CAMEROTA: Then how do you know what it says?
LEWANDOWSKI: Because the members of Congress were very clear about what was in that report yesterday, and so I'm reiterating what they stated.
CAMEROTA: Corey, no, no, Corey, sorry, you're wrong ...
LEWANDOWSKI: Did you read the report?
CAMEROTA: Of course I had to read the report!
As did Wonkette! All of it, Corey! We know, 400-some-odd pages seems pretty hard and a feat no human could accomplish, or at least not a Trump supporter, but yet we persisted.
LEWANDOWSKI: You read the entire report?
CAMEROTA: Corey, of course. I had to read the entire report, and let me tell you what it said!
So Alisyn Camerota told Corey Lewandowski what was in the Mueller Report, he said she was being "disingenuous" (HA HA), she put on the screen the multiple instances detailed in the report that "scores of legal experts" agree constitute criminal obstruction of justice that any private citizen would be tried and convicted for, and she even helpfully noted the ones Lewandowski was personally involved in, which led Lewandowski to ask, innocently:
LEWANDOWSKI: How can legal experts make a determination when they're unfamiliar with all the facts of the case?
THE FACTS OF THE CASE ARE IN THE FUCKING MUELLER REPORT, COREY LEWANDOWSKI, THE ONE THAT'S APPARENTLY TOO BIG AND HARD FOR YOU TO READ, YOU HALFWIT PISSANT.
LEWANDOWSKI: That is so disingenuous! To go and make a predetermination as a quote "legal expert" without having the opportunity to hear both sides of the case!
MUELLER TALKED TO "BOTH SIDES." LIKE FOR INSTANCE, HE TALKED TO THIS ONE DOUCHE-EATER NAMED COREY LEWANDOWSKI.
Anyway, Lewandowski ended by saying BILL BARR, Trump's old balls undead rentboy version of Roy Cohn, decided there was no obstruction, and unless you are saying that BILL BARR is a liar liar pants on fire, then you are simply fake news. Camerota just chuckled.
It was all very stupid.
We commend Alisyn Camerota for doing her duty in this interview.
NOW STOP BOOKING HIM, GODDAMMIT.
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