Robert Mueller Through With George Papadopoulos's Shit, Time To STFU And Go To Jail Now!

Get your water wings, kids! Time to for a dip in the corruption kiddie pool. Ignore that greenish tint -- at least the water's warm!

If you're like us, you looked up from your treadmill this week to find Simona Papadopoulos batting her eyes at Tucker Carlson on the White Hooded Whiners Hour. Is that nutjob begging for a pardon again, you asked yourself? Dear God, should you claim you have Ebola so no one makes you watch that video for work? And how is it possible that you always wind up on the treadmill under the goddamn Fox TV! But perhaps we're projecting.

As it happens, the lovely Simona is looking for a new lawyer so her husband can withdraw from his plea deal.

If he's guilty of anything, it's loving America TOO MUCH! And if anyone should go to jail, it's the Deep State for framing poor Georgie. How you say in English, the bitch set him up?

Mrs. Papadopoulos has been telling her tale of woe to Chuck Ross at the Daily Caller.

Mangiante Papadopoulos says she does not believe Papadopoulos committed a crime and is guilty instead of misremembering nuanced details of his interactions with [Joseph Mifsud, the mysterious perfesser tied to Russia who allegedly promised Papadopoulos ALL THE DIRTY HILLARY EMAILS].

But even Ross seemed skeptical of the, ahem, "misremembering." (How bugfuck crazy is this woman that even The Daily Caller is taking her shit with a giant grain of salt?)

Unfortunately, Lil' Papi told a bigly yuuuge pile of MISREMEMBERS to the FBI, which is why special counsel Robert Mueller recommended on Friday that the dumbest fucking wannabe spy on Team Trump spend up to six months in the pokey. Because when the FBI asked him about all the weird Russian types that kept sidling up to him, this genius lied and said that all those contacts occurred before he was named a Trump adviser. Why were Boris and Natasha offering sexxxxy Hillary emails to some rando 29-year-old energy trader? Well, there's a very good explanation for that. You see, it was all a "very strange coincidence!"

With respect to timing, the defendant acknowledged that the Professor had told him about the Russians possessing "dirt" on Clinton, but he stated multiple times that this occurred before he joined the Trump campaign and that it was a "very strange coincidence" to be told of the "dirt" before he started working for the campaign. As the defendant well knew, this account was false: the defendant met the Professor for the first time on or about March 14, 2016, after the defendant had already learned he would be a foreign policy advisor for the Trump campaign; the Professor showed interest in the defendant only after learning of his role on the campaign; and the Professor told the defendant about the Russians possessing "dirt" on Clinton in late April 2016, more than a month after the defendant had joined the campaign.

Presumably he followed up by stabbing himself in the eye while trying to eat spaghetti. How these people remember to walk upright is one of life's great mysteries. But Papadopoulos did manage to delete his Facebook account after the FBI interview, ensuring that all his messages with Professor Mifsud and "Putin's niece" disappeared. So maybe he's not such a moron after all.

Just kidding!

The defendant provided information about $10,000 in cash he received from a foreign national whom he believed was likely an intelligence officer of a foreign country (other than Russia). The defendant has stated that he kept that money in a safe pending his sentencing in this case and Counsel for the defendant has consented to the imposition of this fine amount.

Presumably this is the $10,000 Simona and George told Rolling Stone they were entrapped into taking by Deep State FBI Mossad agents.

For "like, date five," George says, he invited Simona on a trip to Greece, where "a lot of strange things happened." Simona adds, "We met a few spies in Mykonos." Among them was an Israeli businessman in his mid-sixties – the couple are now convinced he was an agent for the Mossad – who, she says, would later offer George $10,000 in cash. According to Simona, the payment was "not to be a consultant, just to, let's say, 'keep [his] engagements.'" She's now convinced the payment "was a setup." Agents for the Mueller probe asked her about it when she was interviewed in Chicago last year. "They were testing my credibility," Simona says, adding she had to answer all of their questions truthfully. "If I didn't, I would be charged with lying to the FBI." (She says George accepted the money and gave it to his lawyers.)

Uhhhh .... okay.

It's one thing to barf up crazy nonsense to Chuck Ross and Rolling Stone. But the FBI claims that Papadopoulos's lie about Russian agent Joseph Mifsud prevented them from being able to get their hands on him before he fled the US. And that is double-plus ungood!

Most immediately, those statements substantially hindered investigators' ability to effectively question the Professor when the FBI located him in Washington, D.C. approximately two weeks after the defendant's January 27, 2017 interview. The defendant's lies undermined investigators' ability to challenge the Professor or potentially detain or arrest him while he was still in the United States. The government understands that the Professor left the United States on February 11, 2017 and he has not returned to the United States since then.

So no cooperation agreement for Papadopoulos, because he's a liar-liar-pants-on-fire who blabbed to the press about his interviews with Johnny Law. And also because they figured he'd be impossible to depose what with forgetting to breathe and passing out every time he started talking. PROBABLY.

Oh, and one more thing. Mr. Mueller has had it up to here with your bullshit, Simona!

OUCH! But, hey, cheer up Crazy Eyes! Your GoFundMe has raised $5,895 toward your $75,000 in just one month. Almost there!

JFC, these people ...

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[Sentencing Memorandum / Daily Caller / Rolling Stone]

Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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