It's all a ruse to accomplish ... something.
Late last night, it was announced that both Donald and Melania Trump tested positive for COVID-19. That is a fact. It is also a fact that he has been traveling around, holding large, crowded rallies at which no one was wearing a mask and mocking Joe Biden for not doing the same. It is also a fact that at the debate on Tuesday night, his family sat in the audience not wearing masks. It is also a fact that he has been insisting for some time now that the coronavirus is not as dangerous as scientists say it is and that everything should just open up and go back to normal again. That we don't need mail-in ballots because everything is totally fine and safe. He has said that coronavirus can be almost immediately cured by taking hydroxychloroquine and zinc. He said nothing to correct his son Eric, who claimed that the whole pandemic was a hoax that would magically disappear after the 2020 election.
His supporters have believed him. Even when Herman Cain died, they believed him. Probably even when their own relatives died, they believed him.
As you can imagine, Trump testing positive has created something of a conundrum, especially for his more conspiracy-minded supporters — many of whom actually believe that the whole thing is a hoax that the Left created in order to force them to participate in a satanic ritual by wearing masks. What satanic ritual? We don't actually know. But apparently it is super important to all of us.
Because I care, I thought I would check in on his people, to see how they are handling this. Surprisingly well, as it turns out! Because they believe, for one, that he is an incredibly healthy person, and healthy people, they believe, don't die from COVID-19. They also believe that, if he does have it, he will be able to swiftly cure it with hydroxychloroquine and will be better in a day.
Some of them, however, believe that he doesn't actually have it and that he is faking it as part of the 4D chess that he plays, for a variety of reasons.
WoooooOOOOOoooooo! Ghost sounds!
Once upon a time, over 100 years ago and about a two-hour car ride away from where I am right now, there were three ladies known as the Fox Sisters, two of whom developed a reputation for being able to talk to the dead, plus the older sister who managed their career. They became quite the celebrities in their day and eccentric rich people everywhere paid them to come to their homes and talk to their dead relatives, who would communicate to them via a series of knocks and raps. It would later turn out that these knocks and raps were actually just the two girls cracking their toes, which ... gross.
Anyway, no one has to learn to crack their toes anymore to talk to the dead, as long as that dead person is Herman Cain, who has lots to say now that he is deceased. But rather than through a series of knocks and raps from underneath a table, Cain is communicating via Twitter. And the thing he wants everyone to know is that the virus that killed him is not that deadly after all.
Tucker Carlson FURIOUS You Canceled Dr. Immanuel Before She Could Explain: Does Demon Jizz Cause COVID-19?
We need to know more science, please.
We are pleased/filled with sorrow to tell you that there is more news in the scientific field of demonspermology, the foremost expert on which is Dr. Stella Immanuel of Houston. She also is just pretty sure hydroxychloroquine is a miracle drug to cure coronavirus — it is not — but does not mention whether hydroxychloroquine is effective against demon sperm, or whether or not demon sperm causes COVID-19. (If your weenus loses its sense of smell and taste, you might have a problem. A DEMON PROBLEM. We are just saying.)
Immanuel is really not one of those doctors who gives you all the information, is what we are saying.
After Immanuel and a cast of doctors almost as bugfuck as her gave their press conference on quack cures for coronavirus this week, their video went viral on Facebook, and if you know people who post memes about how Noah was also too a conspiracy theorist until it started raining, you saw it there. At least until Facebook started deleting the shit out of the video and any reference to it.
Maybe you saw when Donald Trump retweeted it, because he's that stupid, before Twitter deleted it.
All of this censorship has made Dr. Immanuel very mad. She calmly and medically explained this week that if Facebook does not put her videos back up, Jesus Christ himself will break into Facebook and take the whole site down.
It's Your Sunday Rundown!
The Trump Administration is what happens when hubris, nepotism, corruption, incompetence and pure self-interest love each other very much and decide to make a baby. A perfect example is Secretary Of Education Betsy DeVos. We have written a lot about DeVos's hate, greed and incompetence. But if you are somehow not familiar with how bad she really is, here's some from her confirmation hearing:
Of course that wasn't the only time our secretary Of Education couldn't answer basic questions, as we also have her disastrously 2018 "60 Minutes" appearance, which was roundly mocked by late night comedians:
If you think DeVos has gotten any smarter or better at answering tough questions, you are wrong.
DeVos made appearances this weekend on CNN's "State of The Union" and "Fox News Sunday." Since DeVos gave the same canned answers in both interviews, we'll mainly focus on her infuriating appearance on CNN.