Conspiracy Theories

Good For This Company Selling 5G Conspiracy Theorists Magic $350 USB Keys

Some people deserve to get ripped off, frankly.

Last month, in the UK, the Glastonbury Town Council sent out a PDF findings of their 5g Advisory Committee, which had been set up six months prior to "investigate" the safety of 5G technology. The "findings" were primarily that they are going to assume that 5G technology is dangerous until it is proven otherwise, but that they have found a device called the 5GBioShield to be helpful in protecting them from Bill Gates mindcontrolling them or whatever else it is they think is going on here.

According to the official 5GBioshield website:

5GBioShield USB Key provides protection for your home and family, thanks to the wearable holographic nano-layer catalyser, which can be worn or placed near to a smartphone or any other electrical, radiation or EMF emitting device.
The 5GBioShield USB Key with the nano-layer is a quantum holographic catalyzer technology for the balance and harmonisation of the harmful effects of imbalanced electric radiation. The nano-layer operating diameter is either 8 or 40 meters.
The 5GBioShield USB Key is resulting from research of several decades in multiple countries. The active key operating diameter shields and harmonizes a complete family home.

Wow! Does that ever sound legit! Especially the parts about nano-layers and "quantum holographic catalyzer technology," which sounds very sciencey. And who doesn't love a hologram?

jem and the holograms GIF Giphy

But alas. This week, a group called PenTestPartners reviewed the 5GBioshield, which retails for about $350 in US dollars, and found that it is in fact just a $5 USB with a sticker on it. Ta da?

As everyone is fully aware it is a USB key, we needed to tear the device down to see what else is within the casing.
First, we managed to pull the device off the crystal, which showed nothing other than an LED at the end of the stick, the same as the other 'crystal' USB keys we found made in Shenzen. There were no additional components or any connections.

The circular area on the main casing looked like it might be where the "quantum holographic catalyzer technology" transmitter might be. Carefully taking that off, not to damage the key components and, with crushing disappointment, it looked exactly like a regular sticker.

Now we cannot say this sticker does not have additional functionality unused anywhere else in the world, but we are confident you can make up your own mind on that.

Digging further into the device, there appeared to be no electrical or other connections between the device and the "sticker" and also no additional components other than the USB stick.

Following this study, many media sites came out with the obligatory "Hey don't buy this magic hologram USB stick, it is a scam!" articles. But while it's true that this shit is a scam, I would personally like to argue that 5G conspiracy theorist should still go out and buy as many of these things as possible, at retail price. Why? Because maybe, if they do that and think that it works, they won't be running all over tearing 5G towers down all over the place because they think it has something to do with the mark of the beast.

Frankly, what this company is doing is a public service, to the rest of us. Sure, they are selling people some bullshit and probably making tons of money off of them, but if this pacifies people who might otherwise do some dangerous shit, more power to them.

We here at Wonkette spend a lot of time writing about the stupid and scammy things that right-wing con artists sell their idiot followers. Things like Silver Solution that turns you blue or bleach that is, well, bleach and therefore not a thing anyone should drink. We are hardly alone in this -- many other left-leaning sites and writers cover this stuff as well. Sometimes, even, the government steps in and says "Hey, Convicted Felon Jim Bakker! Please stop selling 'Silver Solution' that turns people blue as a thing that can cure or prevent COVID-19, because it definitely cannot cure or prevent COVID-19!"

This is because, unlike right-wingers, we are not a particularly sadistic people, and even if we don't like people, still don't want them drinking bleach. It's those bleeding hearts we got.

But really, as long as we're not talking about telling people to pour literal poison down their gullets, I am all for ripping these people off in ways that, ideally, make them less dangerous to others. In fact, I may start my own business selling magic USB keys and chemtrail-killing orgone pyramids and "cloudbusters" and other cures for issues that don't exist, when those who believe in those things are actively harmful. Maybe I can do an "adopt-a-mole-child" thing for the Q people, like how my 5th grade class adopted a manatee?

Speaking of which, where have all the mole children gone? It's been two months since they supposedly surfaced in Central Park, and we have not heard a damn thing. So weird!

Anyway, this is now your open thread! Discuss amongst yourselves the many ways we might be able to make the world safer from stupid conspiracy theorists, while turning a profit. Or, you know, whatever else you want to talk about


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2020 Congressional Elections

QAnon Wackadoodle Won Oregon Republican Senate Primary While No One Was Looking

Jo Rae Perkins wants to park the mothership in Washington DC.

When Democrats run for the Senate in red states, they're usually outstanding left-of-center representatives. No matter what happens on election night, Jaime Harrison, Mike Espy, Jon Ossoff, and Steve Bullock are actually “very fine people." Unfortunately, Oregon Republicans aren't “sending their best." Last night, they overwhelmingly selected noted crackpot Jo Rae Perkins as their seemingly rum-soaked choice to challenge Democratic Sen. Jeff Merkley for the Senate seat he's held since 2009 and is now guaranteed to hold for another six years.

Perkins is a full-blown conspiracy theorist, and she doesn't just promote harmless conspiracies that most Oregonians believe, like the weather is tolerable. No, she's a QAnon-er. These idiots believe there are mole children living underneath Central Park and that Donald Trump would bother rescuing them, which is arguably less believable. They drink bleach and not just because Trump pitched it like a Coke-swilling Bill Cosby. QAnon-ers believe that a cabal of pervert Democrats and Hollywood elites (same difference) secretly run the whole world and eat babies. They receive updates posted in Confuso-vision on anonymous forums by “Q" — no, not the guy from Star Trek: The Next Generation. The mysterious “Q" is supposedly a high-ranking government official. QAnon-ers attempt to decipher the messages, presumably with a Little Orphan Annie decoder ring. That's how they stay up to date on Trump's plans to save humanity from the diabolical masterminds who don't want you drinking bleach.

None of this is real, but if it were, the men in black have masterfully ensured the only people who know the truth are complete morons. One of whom is now a single election away from the US Senate.

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Snake Oil & General Woo

Church Of Holy Bleach Drinking Invokes First Amendment Right To Sell Bleach To Cure COVID-19

Religious freedom!

Back in April, a federal judge ordered the Genesis II Church to stop selling its "Miracle Mineral Solution" as a cure for COVID-19 — a step in the right direction, given that "MMS" is a powerful bleach and can kill you or cause some pretty severe health problems if you take it.

While MMS has been around for a long while, it has experienced a recent surge in popularity — first by being promoted by Alan Keyes, well ahead of the pandemic, and subsequently after being promoted as a COVID-19 cure by QAnon proponents, and bolstered by Trump suggesting that ingesting disinfectants might be a good way to cure it. Suffice it to say, sellers of this crap were pretty jazzed about the increase in demand, and severely disappointed when they were cut off.

Thus, last week, the Genesis II Church responded to the injunction by filing a motion to reconsider the temporary restraining order preventing them from selling or promoting MMS as a cure for COVID-19:

[US] Attorney[s] Feeley and Goldstein unconstitutionally and unlawfully submitted a COMPLAINT FOR PRELIMINARY AND PERMANENT INJUNCTION to Judge Williams to which she signed a TRO prohibiting our G2church Sacraments from being supplied to those who want and need it for a donation. To keep the peace, we at the G2church voluntarily and under duress have stopped the sending of our G2sacraments since April 17th to pray and ask the Lord how we should respond. This action in no way is evidence that we are submitting to this order. We completely reject this TRO on the grounds that it is violating out 1st Amendment Rights to freely exercise our religious beliefs.

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Of Course Sovereign Citizens Have A Special 'Get Out Of Wearing A Mask Free' Card

If that doesn't work, they can always just yell 'AM I BEING DETAINED?' at cashiers.

If there is anything we can count on Sovereign Citizens for, it is that in almost any given situation, they will be doing something that is extremely stupid. The COVID-19 pandemic is no different, and in fact, some might say it is the event they have been preparing for all of their lives.

In case you are unfamiliar, Sovereign Citizens are basically weirdos who don't believe in the legitimacy of the government, don't believe they have to pay taxes or follow the law in most situations. They think that filling out certain paperwork and handing out certain cards and saying certain words they can get out of doing these things or access secret bank accounts in their name, and are famous for showing up in court with piles of paperwork that they insist means things it doesn't.

On social media this week, many people who consider themselves Sovereign Citizens, along with others in the "anti-mask" movement, are recommending that those who don't want to wear masks print out this very official looking card exempting them from mask laws.

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