So What's Really Bothering Justice Stevens? Wonkette Contest Results, Part 2

justice stevens.jpgEarlier today, we announced some of the finalists in our Wonkette reader contest, "So What's Really Bothering Justice Stevens?" Now, what you've all been waiting for: the runner-up and the winner!

But first one final caveat. As we originally emphasized, the rumor that Justice Stevens uttered the sentence, "I can't put up with this shit anymore!", is just that -- a rumor. And it may not be a particularly reliable one. One former clerk emailed us as follows:

As someone who clerked for Justice Stevens and is fairly familiar with his manner of public and private expression, I find it incredulous that he would say anything of the kind. He's a gentleman through and through, and the expression attributed to him is totally inconsistent with his personality. I wouldn't be surprised if someone made up the quote for malicious purposes. Cf. Ann Coulter.

Although we are certainly willing to blame Ann Coulter for all that is evil in the world, we can assure you that she was not our source. But we do think that the above caveat is valuable, which is why we've shared it with you.

After the jump, the runner-up and the winning entry -- and a bonus gift for our readers!

It was very tough choosing between our two top entries. One was more erudite, but the other was more pithy. In the end, we adhered to the old adage, "Brevity is the soul of wit." So here's the runner-up:

* "Goddammit, when Thurgood was here, we got really good bud. That asshole Souter is too cheap to spring for the sensimillia. I can't put up with this shit anymore! I'm moving to Alaska. I never got to know Bill Douglas all that well, but he said the hemp from Gravina Island would get you so fucked up that it would be worth building a bridge to get to it from Ketchikan. And he was one of those those guys with a hard-on for protecting the environment, too."


And finally, our winning entry:

* "Mother Fucker. Michelle Kwan, you've failed me for the last time. I can't put up with this shit anymore!"

--Patrick Tutwiler

Congratulations to Mr. Tutwiler and Anonymous for their excellent entries -- and thanks to all readers who participated. As a token of our appreciation, we present you with a link to a song that fans of Justice Stevens are sure to enjoy: "Hang On Stevens," sung to the tune of "Hang On Sloopy." Enjoy!

Hang on Stevens! [The Al Franken Show] [mp3 download]


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