Socialism Got You Down? Thinking Can Help!

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  • Monday, July 27: Have no fear, because the Heritage Foundation, courtesy of an event with know-it-all Jim DeMint, will rescue us from our decline into Socialism! Phew. Tonight, Ol' Waterloo himself explains that we can “Save Freedom” (we recommend 1-qt Ziploc bags in the freezer; it keeps for months) by keeping a close eye on government spending (which works as long as the president isn’t a Republican) and an even closer eye on God.

  • Tuesday, July 28: The real reason the country’s broke and on the verge of socialism? Fat people. The Urban Institute scolds gluttons for eating too much and proposes taxing fattening foods, putting nutrition labels on the FRONT of packages (don’t they know fat people can’t read?) and encouraging everyone to try bulimia at least once. Despite the subject matter, they will be serving lunch.
  • Tuesday, July 28: The New America Foundation insists that Americans should fight to take back jobs that have been stolen by robots and those crafty kids in sweatshops overseas, even though both robots and foreign children do have such fine sewing abilities. NAF is hosting an event that looks at how we can manufacture a better future for America through economic innovation, industrial policies and trade reform.
  • Wednesday, July 29: A think tank event about Iran? With everyone talking about socialism and health care, we thought the Middle East was just fine and dandy. The Middle East Institute will discuss the crazy Iranian elections on Wednesday, and the people’s continuing struggle for democratic change.
  • Thursday, July 30: Run for the hills! A recent AEI poll found that young people like socialism more than capitalism. They also like iPods and Facebook, and hate mean people. To combat the collectivist impulse, AEI is starting a “Free Enterprise Lecture Series.” Maybe someone -- liberal, conservative, anyone -- will leave the meeting actually grasping the difference between a free enterprise system and real socialism (the sucky kind, like if we all had to drive Buicks).
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