Some Gentle Advice For Governor Chris Christie On How To Mafia-Style Kneecap That Bastard Trump


Hello there, Governor!

Whoever thought you’d end up here, huh? Remember that Republican convention a few years ago where you told them that before you spoke they had to run a 20-minute campaign commercial for you that was all stars and eagles and your big face and then they had to watch you do Wonder Woman power poses and then they had to chant “Go! Go! Go! Go!” while you chugged a Genesee Cream Ale and then maybe, when you were goddamned good and ready, just MAYBE you would mention the actual candidate? And then they just caved and did that because you had that much political juice?

How did you end up here?

Sure, you got to talk again at this last convention, but was it maybe just a little bit less endorphin-buzzy? It probably felt just a little bit less man-in-charge, since you’d already been filmed in a despairing fugue state because you were standing behind Trump like you were getting ready to hold the train of his bridal gown. And people had already heard him order you back to the plane like his manservant, and three guesses as to who leaked the story that you were picking up his dinners.

And you already knew that Trump had fucked you over in favor of that radio-show Replicant Mike Pence. Hey, no VP spot this time, Chris ol’ pal, but I’m sure we’ll scare up something high-profile for you. Maybe managing the transition team. But of course Trump made sure to let it slip that he really wanted you for the VP, and that had to mean something, right?

You know that thing that Trump does with his three oldest kids? That perfect narcissist move where he makes them all jump and scramble for his approval? The move where he elevates one kid above the other two, then subtly undercuts the first one so nobody gets too comfortable? It must be exhausting to watch him do that in person. When did it finally occur to you that he was doing that with you and Pence?

I guess you still must have gotten a little thrill from speaking at the latest convention. I mean, no future-POTUS sizzle reel or anything, but you got to make a bunch of terrifying yuckabucks chant “Lock her up!” It probably only felt hollow when you made the mistake of thinking about it, when you let a part of your brain remind you that you were once a real-life U.S. Attorney and you know what a crime is and what evidence is, but still somehow you were leading a witch hunt for people you’d normally scream at like they were elementary school teachers or something.

Plus, wow, what a miscalculation. That’s the one move of yours I can’t understand. You knew that Trump had already started the process of fucking you over as ostentatiously as possible and you also knew that you could have spiked him with your convention speech and burned the place down. But you didn’t. Why? Because the Republican party has done so much for you lately? You knew that Trump and the Republicans were cutting you loose, but you went ahead and whipped the base into a lather for them anyway. Instead of delivering a righteous shanking and re-claiming your nards, you bet on the horse that had already thrown you as if it wasn’t going to drag you through the stables next.

And wow, has it gotten bad since Trump actually fucking won. No job for you, no jobs for your pals, and anyone you ever so much as back-slapped has been punched in the solar plexus and set on fire. And just in case you missed the point that this has all been an emphatic “up yours, Christie,” Trump just went and hired Bill Stepien, the guy you hung out to dry for Bridgegate.

You probably should have seen that Jared Kushner thing coming. Yes, you had his father dead to rights on an astonishingly cruel and sleazy witness tampering charge, but still, you sent the man’s dad to prison. You had to know that he was going to be a little testy about it. And you had to have seen that Trump has a little crush on his son-in-law, almost like that’s where he’s displaced some inappropriate feelings for a close family member. Or maybe it’s just another way to get his natural-born sons to juggle plates and dance capers for him at dinnertime.

But still, can even Kushner’s rage be the reason for such a spectacular and drawn-out public fucking over? Is it because you were in danger of taking up too much praise and spotlight time? Is it because Trump is trying desperately to be a Manhattan sophisticate when you know all too well that he’s pure bridge-and-tunnel just like you? Do you catch him making cracks about New Jersey with Jared when you’re not quite far enough out of the room? Is that smug tangerine fuck mocking you?

More importantly, though, what are you going to do about it?

Because the Chris Christie the media and the GOP used to swoon over would not have taken this bullshit lying down. And, not to make any allegations, one hears you’re a fan of payback.

Yes, revenge is usually a dish that is best served cold, and I don’t doubt that you have a few dainties in the freezer. But just this once, since the ingredients are right at hand, you should consider a piping-hot multi-course retribution fondue. Why settle for mere retaliation when you could make the Trump name reek for generations?

You ran against Trump. You’ve seen the oppo research. And on top of whatever is in that, you know that there’s one thing out there that can hamstring him and one thing that can break him.

First is the video that Tom Arnold says he’s seen, which is full of Trump saying things so disgusting that reality TV producers don’t want to release it. Arnold says he can point to people who have the unedited version, but he needs someone willing to take a few risks and find some workarounds. Gosh, can you think of anyone like that? You and Tom Arnold would get along, come to think of it. No politics or anything, just a few beers, a couple of steaks, maybe watch a game together.

And yes, video of Trump openly being hella racist and whatever else he is would make his Alt-Nazi pals have a bunch of Twittergasms and would only disgust a portion of Republicans beyond repair. But a much larger portion of them would also know that they are supposed to be revolted, and appearances are key. You’d untether the Republican Party from Trump, permanently. Because they would have to scrape him off. They wouldn’t just have an excuse – they’d be obligated to at least buck him and probably impeach him. And since most of the craven wussbags who crawled over to lick Trump’s insteps loathe him just as much as you should, you’d secretly be a hero of the party. That sounds like Secretary of State material at least. And that’s just the small one.

And the big one? You know damned well that the Russians have something horrifying on Trump, and you have a pretty good idea that the CIA has it too, which is why he’s word-vomiting so frantically to discredit them. The fact that we can even think about it being orgy footage without our brains self-immolating means that it must be something even more ghastly than that. Like H.P. Lovecraft abomination-from-beyond-space-and-time awful. (Plus just as racist as Lovecraft himself!)

You also know how fucking dangerous it is that Trump is trying to spike and dismantle our intelligence agencies. That must be occurring to you when you get little breaks in between the waves of indignity and shame. I know you love your state: You’re the stand-up guy who once risked the ire of knee-jerk purists and cooperated with Obama so he could try to get some hurricane damage cleaned up, remember? Not the guy after that who got called out for not actually cleaning up much, and not the toady who repeated Trump’s lie about donating to Sandy cleanup efforts, the original stand-up guy who actually gave a ferret’s ass about something – and I think we can safely extend that to assume that you love your country. It’s immaterial whether your love of country extends farther than your ambition because your approval ratings are in the tank and Trump will fuck you over in public for exactly as long as you’ll let him.

So you might as well focus on the facts that a) Trump is going after the CIA, which is dangerous to the nation, and that b) he’s doing so without even the faintest idea of what he’s up against, which is dangerous to him. Again, not to cast any aspersions, Governor, but I’m guessing you are very much aware that it’s a bad plan to underestimate massive clandestine organizations that sometimes ALLEGEDLY remove people from power.

If only there was some way you could get what the CIA has. Like somehow trade a hand signal or a code word that says you would be sooooo down to get this footage from an unnamed source and leak the flaming hell out of it.

Yes, those hand signal/code word things are hard to set up. They take months, and you have to cover so many tracks and meet under piers at low tide and figure out dead drops. It’s exhausting. Fortunately, both you and the CIA are reading this. I know you’re reading this, Governor, because you definitely have a staffer reading anything with your name on it, and he or she is going to pass this along the minute it becomes clear that this is an easy plan for humiliation-soaked revenge. And I know the CIA is reading it because the letters “CIA” appear in that order on the Internet. (Hello! Also, please save our democracy.)

And no one will take this post seriously because it appears on a mommyblog that doesn’t even allow comments, just tips on getting kids to eat their veggies and contouring tutorials. So if you were, for example, to say a distinctive but innocent word like “statutory” or “bumblefuck” in a public statement anytime soon, who would even think it was a signal?

(Usurper. Psst, you guys, the code word is “usurper.” OK, fine, if you can’t work that one in casually, say “disco fries.”)

And then, since you seem to have lost every last one of your old instincts, dammit, what you do is – Whoops! – get the tape or whatever it is somehow, totally by accident, and you leak half of it. Only half.

Let it be known that you have leaked the first half as a concerned United States citizen and dedicated public servant, but that you are holding the second half back because of the delicate sensibilities of the nation at large. And then let everyone’s prurient imaginations do the rest.

The half you release knocks Trump to his knees, and the half he knows you’re holding allows you to teach him a few lessons about respect. As a bonus, the only thing you need to do to release Putin’s grip on the country is release the second half whenever you damn well feel like it.

Yes, if Trump gets impeached, you still have Pence rising to power. That dish you can serve as cold as you like. Serve it frozen if you want.

Your numbers are tanked; your political career is over. You’re a laughingstock – shorthand for someone who gives up all his principles and still gets nothing. Unless you get your own back.

Do it, Governor. How many other chances will you get to be a national hero and grind that pompous gold-toilet sack of lies under your heel at the same time?

You may not ever be President, but people will think very, very hard before they double-cross you again. Find the first Apprentice tape. Say “disco fries.” Let’s see how much you can set on fire on your way out.


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