Oh, hi Wonketariat! We have many newses for you to ingest today, so here are some of the things we may be talking about.

The gay-hatin' racist former judge with a hard-on for Steve Bannon, Roy Moore, has won the Republican primary for Jeff Sessions's Senate seat in Alabama. Moore beat the "establishment candidate" Luther Strange, and Donald Trump is running away from that loser BUT FAST.

Hey, everyone! The FBI is working with the IRS to share info with Robert Mueller on Paul Manafort.

There's worry on the Hill that bills to protect Robert Mueller and the Trump-Russia investigation might never make it to the Senate floor.

The GOP plan to rob from the poor and give to the rich is hitting some snags as Republicans can't make up their minds on whether or not to bundle ACA repeal with tax reform.

Trump will head to Indiana today to announce his tax reform policy that will cut corporate tax rates to about 20 percent. Per usual, nobody really knows a fucking thing about what the specifics are.

The plan to make private businesses pay for rebuilding fly-over country has been tossed in the shitter; Trump's White House officials are signaling that they want broke-ass states to foot the bill for their own infrastructure improvements.

A few Republicans are open to DACA reforms, but they keep pushing their own toxic crap in order to scuttle any attempt at immigration reform.

While giving a speech at a Detroit suburb, Betsy DeVos stated that she wanted to end the "borrower defense rule" so that she and bullshit for-profit colleges can once again pickpocket students.

The US will cap refugee admissions at 45,000, but the Trump administration technically doesn't have to let in Not Americans. We've just got to protect those Trump Steaks and that Trump Vodka.

For some reason, EPA chief Scott Pruitt needs a $24,570 phone booth. Since he's obviously not a Doctor Who fan, we assume it's so nobody can hear him raping Mother Earth.

In a new ruling, a federal appeals panel has made it easier to be a crooked bastard by making it harder to prove corruption in a court of law. We can all thank Gov. Bob "Transvaginal ultrasound" McDonnell.

Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke wants to "You're Fired" federal workers who are "not loyal to the flag" as they keep ruining his ability to go helicopter hunting and frack his brains out -- except in Montana, because, "SOME PLACES ARE TOO PRECIOUS TO MINE."

DEA admin Chuck Rosenberg The acting has decided to "You're Fired" himself after finding it impossible to work with honor and dignity in the Trump administration.

HHS Secretary Tom Price's taxpayer-funded private air adventures include personal business meetings, lunch with his kid, and a quick jaunt or two to his island home.

Trump wasted a lot of time and money sending judges to the border to free up immigration courts, except the judges were so bored that they actually started helping stock supply rooms.

Cops in Texas can now get thrown into the slammer for refusing to honor ICE requests after a provision in its Fuck The Messicans anti-Sanctuary City bill was upheld by a federal appeals court.

A Podunk Nowhere, IL, superintendent has "You're Fired" himself after people were SUPER pissed and grossed out by this pervy op-ed he wrote about being a 15-year-old kid ogling the girls volleyball team.

Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman issued a decree, signed by his father, King Salman, announcing that women in Saudi Arabia can now drive cars. This is a big deal in the conservative Arab world.

Russian rubles were used to buy ads for Jill Stein, Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump on Facebook in order to make people hate that old, technocratic email murderer, Hillary Clinton. Once again, Go fuck yourself, Jill Stein.

Back in the olden-timey days of 2015, Ukrainian activists tried to warn Facebook of Russian trolls only to find themselves beaten with banhammers of injustice.

Twitter is considering changing character limits so that way Russian Trump-bots can troll and shitpost at length. You're welcome, America.

Jeff Sessions has a sad that the Senate was mean to Elizabeth Warren for trying to read Coretta Scott King's letter on the Senate floor. "Nevertheless, she persisted."

Neil Gorsuch gave a speech at Mitch McConnell's alma mater, the University of Louisville -- which just happens to be McConnell's hometown, after being introduced by Mitch McConnell, and now some people (LIBARULZ) are calling out Gorsuch for a major ethics violation.

A dumbshit redneck fire chief in Pennsyltucky called sportsballers the "N-Word" on Twitter, but he later apologized for being "frustrated" that all the black people keep trying to make him feel guilty about being a racist.

Somebody wrote a very handy guide for "underprivileged" people to protest "societal issues" so that all the "outer-city people" don't get offended.

And here's your late night wrap-up! Stephen Colbert isn't sure why Trump can't follow his own boycott; Jimmy Kimmel is as sexcited as we are that Graham-Cassidy is dead; Seth Meyers had some thoughts on Puerto Rico; The Daily Show aired a retraction about team Trump's private emails.

And here's your morning Nice Time! Mandrill babies!

Give us your money and we'll give you more newses, 'splainerings, and nice times. Deal?

Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or lying in a gutter taking photos.

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CLEAR YOUR CALENDARS FOR FEBRUARY 7! And then fill them back up with whatever the fuck you want, because Michael Cohen has announced through his lawyers that he is too scared to testify before an open session of Congress that day, citing threats to his family from Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani.

Wonkette has no reason to believe Cohen isn't being serious here, and NBC News reports Cohen's wife and father-in-law are particularly concerned about their safety if the man who used to call his boss MIS-TURRRR TWUMP goes to Congress and tells the truth this time. Still, we must pause to note that this is the same guy who said this to NPR reporter Tim Mak, back when Mak was at The Daily Beast:

"I will make sure that you and I meet one day while we're in the courthouse. And I will take you for every penny you still don't have," Cohen told Mak [...] "And I will come after your Daily Beast and everybody else that you possibly know."

"So I'm warning you, tread very fucking lightly, because what I'm going to do to you is going to be fucking disgusting. You understand me?"

It's not so fun when the shoe is on the other foot, IS IT, MICHAEL?

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Did Nancy Pelosi do something to give Donald Trump the mistaken impression he has leverage here? We don't remember her doing anything like that!

Trump sent Pelosi a letter this morning to say that, despite how she told him to stay the fuck out of her House because of his government shutdown, he would still be coming to the House on January 29 to deliver his State of the Union address. And for some weird-ass reason, Trump and his advisers in the White House actually thought she would back down. It's both hilarious and alarming that Trump and his people are that stupid, isn't it?

Anyway, Pelosi took the dare. She took the dare. Was there anybody besides those dumb fucking idiots in the White House who thought she wouldn't take the dare?

Pelosi sent a letter right back to Trump to kindly explain to him that no means "go fuck yourself," and that if he'd like her to stick her foot further up his ass and kick it around a bunch, he's welcome to test her some more:

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