Oh, hi Wonketariat! We have many newses for you to ingest today, so here are some of the things we may be talking about.

The gay-hatin' racist former judge with a hard-on for Steve Bannon, Roy Moore, has won the Republican primary for Jeff Sessions's Senate seat in Alabama. Moore beat the "establishment candidate" Luther Strange, and Donald Trump is running away from that loser BUT FAST.

Hey, everyone! The FBI is working with the IRS to share info with Robert Mueller on Paul Manafort.

There's worry on the Hill that bills to protect Robert Mueller and the Trump-Russia investigation might never make it to the Senate floor.

The GOP plan to rob from the poor and give to the rich is hitting some snags as Republicans can't make up their minds on whether or not to bundle ACA repeal with tax reform.

Trump will head to Indiana today to announce his tax reform policy that will cut corporate tax rates to about 20 percent. Per usual, nobody really knows a fucking thing about what the specifics are.

The plan to make private businesses pay for rebuilding fly-over country has been tossed in the shitter; Trump's White House officials are signaling that they want broke-ass states to foot the bill for their own infrastructure improvements.

A few Republicans are open to DACA reforms, but they keep pushing their own toxic crap in order to scuttle any attempt at immigration reform.

While giving a speech at a Detroit suburb, Betsy DeVos stated that she wanted to end the "borrower defense rule" so that she and bullshit for-profit colleges can once again pickpocket students.

The US will cap refugee admissions at 45,000, but the Trump administration technically doesn't have to let in Not Americans. We've just got to protect those Trump Steaks and that Trump Vodka.

For some reason, EPA chief Scott Pruitt needs a $24,570 phone booth. Since he's obviously not a Doctor Who fan, we assume it's so nobody can hear him raping Mother Earth.

In a new ruling, a federal appeals panel has made it easier to be a crooked bastard by making it harder to prove corruption in a court of law. We can all thank Gov. Bob "Transvaginal ultrasound" McDonnell.

Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke wants to "You're Fired" federal workers who are "not loyal to the flag" as they keep ruining his ability to go helicopter hunting and frack his brains out -- except in Montana, because, "SOME PLACES ARE TOO PRECIOUS TO MINE."

DEA admin Chuck Rosenberg The acting has decided to "You're Fired" himself after finding it impossible to work with honor and dignity in the Trump administration.

HHS Secretary Tom Price's taxpayer-funded private air adventures include personal business meetings, lunch with his kid, and a quick jaunt or two to his island home.

Trump wasted a lot of time and money sending judges to the border to free up immigration courts, except the judges were so bored that they actually started helping stock supply rooms.

Cops in Texas can now get thrown into the slammer for refusing to honor ICE requests after a provision in its Fuck The Messicans anti-Sanctuary City bill was upheld by a federal appeals court.

A Podunk Nowhere, IL, superintendent has "You're Fired" himself after people were SUPER pissed and grossed out by this pervy op-ed he wrote about being a 15-year-old kid ogling the girls volleyball team.

Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman issued a decree, signed by his father, King Salman, announcing that women in Saudi Arabia can now drive cars. This is a big deal in the conservative Arab world.

Russian rubles were used to buy ads for Jill Stein, Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump on Facebook in order to make people hate that old, technocratic email murderer, Hillary Clinton. Once again, Go fuck yourself, Jill Stein.

Back in the olden-timey days of 2015, Ukrainian activists tried to warn Facebook of Russian trolls only to find themselves beaten with banhammers of injustice.

Twitter is considering changing character limits so that way Russian Trump-bots can troll and shitpost at length. You're welcome, America.

Jeff Sessions has a sad that the Senate was mean to Elizabeth Warren for trying to read Coretta Scott King's letter on the Senate floor. "Nevertheless, she persisted."

Neil Gorsuch gave a speech at Mitch McConnell's alma mater, the University of Louisville -- which just happens to be McConnell's hometown, after being introduced by Mitch McConnell, and now some people (LIBARULZ) are calling out Gorsuch for a major ethics violation.

A dumbshit redneck fire chief in Pennsyltucky called sportsballers the "N-Word" on Twitter, but he later apologized for being "frustrated" that all the black people keep trying to make him feel guilty about being a racist.

Somebody wrote a very handy guide for "underprivileged" people to protest "societal issues" so that all the "outer-city people" don't get offended.

And here's your late night wrap-up! Stephen Colbert isn't sure why Trump can't follow his own boycott; Jimmy Kimmel is as sexcited as we are that Graham-Cassidy is dead; Seth Meyers had some thoughts on Puerto Rico; The Daily Show aired a retraction about team Trump's private emails.

And here's your morning Nice Time! Mandrill babies!

Give us your money and we'll give you more newses, 'splainerings, and nice times. Deal?

Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or lying in a gutter taking photos.

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One of the most common things to say in America, just behind "Happy Birthday" and "NO COLLUSION," is "Mitch McConnell should go fuck himself." It works for all occasions, whether you have just stubbed your toe or whether you are in the middle of your wedding to your sweetheart. Try it!

But why should Mitch McConnell go fuck himself at this particular moment? Let's look at the top three current reasons!

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Sucks to be you, Pat Shanahan! The acting Defense secretary is currently under investigation for preferential treatment of his former bosses at Boeing, who just got busted letting planes fall out of the sky if buyers skimped on the upgrades. Shanahan was never a favorite of Trump's, and now his chances of getting made Big Boy For Real Sec Def are decreasing by the day. Which means that he's going through all this shit for nothing! Womp womp!

What shit, you ask? Well! Last night Shanahan announced the first tranche of the "found" money the DoD is shifting over to fund WALL in defiance of Congress's constitutional spending powers. The Defense Department will be transferring the cash from accounts meant to support military personnel into "anti-drug funding," which they've decided means they can use it to build "18-foot-high pedestrian fencing, constructing and improving roads, and installing lighting within the Yuma and El Paso Sectors of the border." Already pissed off about the fake EMERGY declaration, although not pissed enough to override a veto, congresspeople on both sides of the aisle are hopping mad that the Trump administration dicked them around for months, shut down the government, forced them to negotiate for wall funding in good faith, and then said HA HA SUCKERS, WE'RE JUST GOING TO STEAL IT FROM THE RAINY DAY FUND ANYWAY!

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