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  • Shocking news! Perpetual loser Mitt Romney, who swears he's done losing presidential elections but we're not sure we believe him because he is Mitt Romney and he loves losing and we love watching him lose, did not win his charity pretend boxing match against actual boxer Evander Holyfield. Holyfield graciously did not grind his bones into dust and even allowed Romney to land a punch, out of pity we guess, before Romney -- who has apparently named himself "The Glove," how original -- surrendered, maybe so he could wrap up the night and put his apparently drunk wife to bed. Romney also delivered some "jokes" after the match, we guess because he's still trying to prove he has a personality, sigh:

    After the bout, Romney kept punching — at his political rivals this time. He jabbed at Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (who once accused him, falsely, of paying no taxes).

    “I’m ready to take on Harry Reid’s exercise equipment now,” he joked, referring to the exercise band that snapped and broke bones in Reid’s face.

    Romney also didn’t spare Candy Crowley, who served as moderator of a presidential debate in which she challenged Romney, angering his those on campaign.

    “I’m happy to fight anybody, so long as Candy Crowley isn’t the referee,” Romney added.

    Hardy har har, get it? Romney would be president now if not for the unfair refereeing in his debate against President Obama by Candy Crowley. Guess these stale jokes someone wrote for him are supposed to prove he has a personality after all, right? Sigh. If you enjoy watching Mitt Romney lose at things -- and who doesn't? -- enjoy:

  • Contrary to urban legend, New York's extra-special magical water does not make its bagels better:

    The most popular explanation for NY bagels' glory is the New York City water. Natives -- like Larry King -- maintain that there is something in the water that makes their product impossible to replicate outside of the five boroughs. But America's Test Kitchen doesn't buy that excuse. They put the theory to the test -- a few theories, actually -- and what they found was that it is indeed bogus.

    We have actually made bagels with America's Test Kitchen's recipe, using plain old regular non-New York water, from California, and we can attest to their greatness. Stuff it, New York.

  • The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention published a map of the most distinctive causes of death in each state:

    A word of caution: the map does not show the main cause of death by state, which is basically heart disease or cancer. What it shows is the cause of death in each state that stands out most relative to its national average. Syphillis is the most distinctive cause of death in Louisiana, but it only resulted in 22 deaths there over that time period. HIV, the most distinctive cause of death in Florida, was behind 15,000 deaths there. The coding of deaths is also “highly variable” by state, meaning some capture in “other” categories may be more properly classified elsewhere.

    Many states are distinctive for their discharge of firearms, accidental or otherwise, but Rhode Island's might be our favorite: "Other and unspecified events of undetermined intent and their sequelae." You can tell us your favorite in the comments, which we do not allow.

  • Miss Jackson (if you're nasty) returns:
  • New Pope had a busy weekend:

    Two nuns from 19th-century Palestine are now saints after being canonized by Pope Francis, in a move seen as aimed at encouraging Christians across the Middle East who are facing persecution by Islamist extremists. [...]

    The move by Francis follows the Vatican's decision, announced last week, that the Holy See would sign a treaty with the "State of Palestine," an implicit acknowledgement of the political body.

  • Looking for the latest bewb tube shenanigans and snarky recaps of your favorite teevee shows? Go show some love to our gone-but-not-forgotten kid sister Happy Nice Time People. And be sure to follow Happy Nice Time People on Twitter.
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