I've been neglecting our mandate: drinking rules for the State of the Union tonight. (Incidentally, Wonkette herself will be live-blogging the SOTU tonight. You know, for those of you who don't have TV, radio, or high-speed internet. Oh and also she'll be nude. I think. Or maybe she said lewd, I wasn't really listening.)
As always, if you haven't started drinking already, you're never gonna win. Also, please join us in drinking the Purple Finger, which is 1 part cassis, 1 part grenadine, and 1 part vodka. Freedom never tasted so sickly sweet—but you're warned, the hangover is a bitch.
· Every time "Iraqi vote" referenced: 1 tiny sip. (Pace yourself on that one, seriously.)
· "Mandate": touch yourself to gay porn mag Mandate.
· John McCain spits on floor: chug-a-lug!
· Mentions "WMD": smash bottle in face.
· Says "Plowing through": titter like a girl.
· Tricky one: "On Monday, we will reveal details..": 2 drinks.
· Annual fave, "status quo": 1 smack on the head.
· Whenever Cheney sneers like Mephistopholes: 1 drink.
· Social Security reverse psychology: Bush says "insecurity": 3 drinks down the wrong tube, resulting in choking among the uninsured.
· "Spreading freedom": slather on some freedom.
· Names "Barbara Boxer": fall off couch in shock.
· Mention of twins: hump couch.
· Every time Condi is pictured while clearly doing Kegels: 1 shot of chai tea.
· Bush unable to prevent himself from breaking into hysterical laughter: drain all nearest bottles.
· Hillary faints, again: 1 oyster shooter.
· Mentions "Iran": stop drinking and start fucking packing. —CS