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Sources: America's Sweetheart Monica Lewinsky To Open Wide, Tell All

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Since it's obvious that all honorable and well-compensated jobs have disappeared into a puff of Internet ether, never to return, it's important that every American turn any brush with fame, no matter now ridiculous or humiliating, into a round of talk show appearances that can in turn be leveraged into an "instant book" and a reality show, since that's the only route to financial solvency in America today. Monica Lewinsky had just such an ridiculous, humiliating brush with fame, but this was years ago, in the late '90s, when the economy was great and you could still get jobs, so she never cashed in. But well, well, well, look who's come crawling back to the publicity-horror machine and wants to write a book! Don't worry, Monica, your timing is perfect, as Gen X needs cultural nostalgia objects to differentiate themselves from these young people who were born in, like, the late '80s and yet are somehow old enough to be adults and have jobs and stuff.

Here is the New York Post's breathless report!

Monica Lewinsky is shopping a top-secret book project, Page Six has exclusively learned. We're told Lewinsky has been making the rounds with major publishers, who were all asked to sign nondisclosure agreements to take the meetings. It's unclear who the front-runners are, but, says an insider familiar with the project, "I'm sure every major publisher was interested in hearing what she had to say."

"Insider" is an interesting word here because it could mean "publishing insider" and be true or mean "insider in Monica Lewinsky's entourage or maybe Monica Lewinsky herself because maybe she doesn't have an entourage" and be essentially a negotiating ploy. But we'll just assume that every major publisher is in fact interested in hearing what she has to say! We'll assume that this is true because it's 2012, and people are ready to hash over Clinton-era blowjob scandals again. In 2005, everyone would have been like, ugh, this again, no thanks, which is why Lewinsky decamped to London that year; but today, 40-year-olds can delight in telling 20-year-olds that "No, really, this was a huge deal and it was literally all anyone in politics could talk or think about for the entire year 1998." Presumably she saw everyone on Twitter going stone cold nuts for Clinton's sexy DNC speech and started seeing dollar signs floating around, you know?

Anyway, we are certainly not going to judge anyone from making some bank on that time when they were 22 and they blew a dude and then they could never could never get a normal job again ever. We are far too busy working on our pilot for "All Apologies," our grunge-era nostalgia-sitcom that will be to the '90s what "Happy Days" was for the '50s. Who should we cast as "Curt," the lovable depressive grunge-rocker who lives in the apartment over the protagonist family's garage and teaches local teens that selling out is bullshit? (Monica Lewinsky has already been cast as the hot neighbor mom, obviously.) [NYP]

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Roger Stone, you got some 'splainin' to do, Mister! Remember all those times Stone swore on his Nixon tattoo that he never had any contact with Russians, wasn't a campaign surrogate, and wasn't tipped off to stolen DNC emails in advance? Like that time he told the Washington Post:

"I've never been to Russia. I didn't talk to anybody who was identifiably Russian during the two-year run-up to this campaign," he said. "I very definitely can't think of anybody who might have been a Russian without my knowledge. It's a canard."

Stone told the House Intelligence Committee the same thing last September, but, LOL FUNNY STORY! Seems that Stone just plum forgot about that time in May, 2016 when Trump communications advisor Michael Caputo asked him to meet with Henry Greenberg, "a man with a Make America Great Again hat and a viscous Russian accent." The Washington Post reports, Greenberg was offering sexxxxy Russian dirts on Hillary Clinton, which Stone and Caputo were only too happy to grab by the pussy. But they just couldn't get there!

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Congressman Beto O'Rourke, who hopes to replace Ted Cruz in the US Senate this fall, is one of several Texas and El Paso leaders participating in a march to the just-opened tent city at the US/Mexico border in Tornillo, Texas, where children have already been imprisoned "placed."

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