Spirit Animal Taylor Swift Sees Aaron Schock Through Not-Gay Office Crisis
Hello, it is Thursday, which makes this DAY THREE of me being your official Wonkette president of talking shit about Aaron Schock -- if my guidance counselor could only see me now! Okay, so you'll remember that Illinois's wingnut congressman with the hawt nipples started the week in a big gay pickle due to his new office being completely redecorated to look like
a bathhouse the Red Room from Downton Abbey. Everybody was like "that's not gay at all," but then YESTERDAY, a nice little liberal group called CREW was like "ethics violation, really really gay ethics violation, NO FREE SCONCES, those are the rules!"
Well, Aaron has responded by channeling his favorite spirit animal, Taylor Swift. Haters gonna hate, hate hate, hate, and also hate, says Aaron, speaking while having perfect abs buried underneath a perfectly tailored suit. If all straight men from Peoria are like this, you should move there, ladies! Watch this TRULY MESMERIZING Vine thingie about fifteen times, until it is burned into your very soul, and then meet me below for some hard-hitting analysis:
Y'all. He's got nothing on his brain, people say he's gay, yeah that's what people say. Uh huh. That's what people say.
Full quote, so Aaron cannot accuse Wonkette of taking him out of
the closet context:
Mom. Dad. I'm different.
"I came to Congress at 27,” Schock said. “When I go take a personal vacation I don’t sit on the beach, I go do active things. And so, I'm also not going to live in a cave. So when I post an Instagram photo with me and my friends, as Taylor Swift said, 'haters gonna hate.'"
Like dis one?
Why would haters hate hate hate that lovely ensemble? Did a constituent illegally buy it for him? Was that picture Aaron's FIRST GAYEST ETHICS VIOLATION?
So anyway, Aaron's excellent buttcheeks say he has never even seen Downton Abbey, but he 'splains that he is not an "old and crusty white guy," therefore that is why he has an office befitting old and white and crusty British gentry. Also, that is why he called his favorite interior decorator from magazines to make it for him ("hey gurl!"), but to be fair, she probably had to talk him down from his original office idea, an exact replica of the backroom of Babylon on Queer As Folk. Not very Congress-y, Aaron!
Also, now he says he's going to pay for the office out of his own money:
"She's working on the office, so once it's done, I'm sure I will get an invoice as I did before and we'll pay,” Schock said.
"I'M SURE" he will get an invoice. Something tells me that he is just hoping that this story goes away (NOT HAPPENING, AARON, I WILL WRITE ABOUT YOU UNTIL THE SECOND YOU AREN'T HOT ANYMORE, AT WHICH POINT YOU WILL BE DEAD TO ME) and that he and his decorator lady are never, ever, ever getting back together, at least for invoicing purposes. They'll dish about boys, though, at brunch, and when they call each other from the bathtub.
"Maybe we'll have a 'Downton Abbey' watch party?” he joked before turning serious. "At the end of the day, regardless of what color wall you choose your office, the most important thing in Congress is what you do for your constituents and what you do for your job."
And Aaron's JOB, what his constituents elected him to do, is to post sexytime pictures on Instagram, so if you would PLEASE stop talking about his gay gay gay gay gay ethics violation office and let him have some computer time that would be GREAT, thanks everybody.
Oh, by the way, Aaron's communications director, the same one who queened out about reporters taking pictures of the office, is currently in trouble for comparing black people to zoo animals on Facebook, so that is also happening right now, stay tuned for your next Aaron Schock dispatch, we're sure he'll do another stupid (but also hot) thing by lunch.