Culture Wars

A Lady (First Mistake) Historian (Second) Wrote About Pirates (Third). Guess What Came Next, Guess, Guess.

Argh.

Dr. Jamie Goodall is a historian at the US Army Center of Military History, and a pretty highly regarded expert on pirates. Last year she published the book Pirates of the Chesapeake Bay: From the Colonial Era to the Oyster Wars, which astute readers will gather is also about pirates. So it's not surprising the Washington Post would have her write a piece for its "Made by History" feature last Friday, prior to the big weekend sportsball game in which one of the two teams not featuring puppies was named the "Tampa Bay Buccaneers."

Goodall reflected on the odd popular image of pirates in American popular imagination, and for the Florida coast in particular. Tampa even has a city festival commemorating the pirate José Gaspar, who may or may not have actually existed. Along the way, Goodall briefly notes the history of the city's NFL franchise and how its original pirate logo was meant to be "a 'classy' pirate — a cross between Robin Hood, Errol Flynn, the musketeer D'Artagnan and pirate Jean Lafitte," not a scruffy blackguard who might call to mind looting and pillaging. (She either missed or chose not to take the chance to point out that in 2015, the Outsports blog proclaimed that 1975-1997 pirate the "gayest logo in NFL history.")

But oh dear, Goodall then had to go and talk about her expertise, musing that maybe there's something odd about celebrating a bunch of nautical murderers and thieves as romantic heroes, and before you could say "Ted Yoho and a bottle of rum," the word was out: A crazy Marxist historian lady was trying to cancel pirates, the Tampa Bay f'ball team, and sports fans, and just look how that crazy leftist was trying to do political correctness to the Super Bowl!

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News

Your Sunday Show Roundup Features The GOP's Dumbest Trump Dead-Enders!

We watch so you never have to.

While most people were enjoying a nice pre-Super Bowl gameday, we were monitoring the Sunday shows for stupidity and scumbaggery. And no other show featured more of it than Fox News's "Sunday Morning Futures," hosted by $2.7 billion defamation suit co-defendant Maria Bartiromo.

The televised hive of scum and villainy began with former White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows, who tried blame Congress for failing to protect itself from getting attacked, as opposed to the whole thing about how the Trump White House refused to authorize the National Guard:

MEADOWS: I can tell you that, when we look at Washington, D.C., the Capitol Police, many of them are my friends. I can tell you, they do a tremendous job. But they need to be empowered to do that job. And there were plenty of assets there to assist them in their efforts. And some of those decisions weren't made appropriately, in my opinion. And those decisions did not come from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. It came from the other end of Pennsylvania Avenue.

Sounds like Meadows is arguing that Congress was wearing a short skirt and was asking to be overthrown.

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Sportsball

It’s Super Bowl Sunday: Stay Home, Don’t Huddle With Strangers

COVID-19 still exists.

The 55th Super Bowl is tonight. The grossly named Kansas City Chiefs will play against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Companies will sell you products during breaks from all that thrilling football. Uptight people will complain about something that happens during the halftime show. The world seems almost normal again, but don’t be fooled! We’re still wrestling with the COVID-19 pandemic — metaphorically because you shouldn’t touch anyone right now.

The Super Bowl, or the "Big Game" if you're in advertising and don't want to get sued, will take place at the Raymond James Stadium in Tampa, Florida. The Buccaneers will have a home field advantage, but that’s just a coincidence. The NFL awarded Super Bowl 55 to Tampa in 2017, back when we still left the house.

Last year, 62,417 attended the Super Bowl at the Hard Rock Stadium in Miami Gardens, Florida. Today’s “Big Game” will have attendance capped at roughly 25,000 live (for now) fans. This includes 7,500 vaccinated front-line healthcare workers, who the NFL kindly invited as guests. (Vaccinated people can still contract and spread COVID-19.) This is close to 40 percent of the stadium’s capacity of 65,890.

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Congress

Tommy Tuberville Vying For Senate's Dumbest Republican, Prob Somehow Lose That To Vanderbilt Too

Reckon he'd find a way.

Move over, perennial Senate's Dumbest Republican title-holder Ron Johnson of Wisconsin, and back the fuck off, Tennessee's twin MENSA wizards Marsha Blackburn and Bill Hagerty.

Tommy Tuberville, the senator from Auburn, is in town, and he'd like to tell you why he can't comment on all this Marjorie Taylor Greene hullaballoo:

"I haven't even looked at what all she's done," he told the CNN producer Ted Barrett. "I'd have to hold back a statement on that. Travel in this weather it's been a little rough looking at any news or whatever."

Oh, hard same. Can't tell you how many times we've been unable to Wonkette entirely because of all this snow. Or rain. Or whatever weather there is. "Can't look at the news today, Rebecca, on account of this righteous gullywasher we're havin'," that's a thing we say to the Editrix on most days.

We are going to charitably assume Tuberville is just dumb as dogshit in springtime and therefore unable to think on his feet like other elected Republicans do when they're asked about things like Donald Trump's tweets (you know, back in the day when he was permitted to use Twitter) or Marjorie Taylor Greene thinking 9/11 is fake and school shootings are fake and Jewish Space Lasers are real and Democratic elected officials should be executed.

Otherwise we'd have to take him literally that he's unable to read the news when there's a storm outside. That sounds like some sort of medical condition a licensed veterinarian would need to look at. Does he get all anxious because of a drop in air pressure? Does coach need a ThunderShirt?

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