Fiddling While Baghdadi Burns
It's your Sunday show rundown!
Normally, here in the Sunday show rundown, we look at the dumb and perplexing things said by people on the political Sunday shows, but this time Trump himself interrupted them to announce the death of the Islamic State leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi.
Now, as you are aware, Trump announced this solemn moment with all the respect and quiet dignity of the presidency ... NOPE! Who are we kidding folks?! Trump had to make this whole thing a weird, graphic, and overcompensating mess that is typical of everything in his life. While most of it was covered by Dok already, there were three moments that need special highlighting. The first is Trump's utter lack of understating of the internet or dogs:
They Were Not, In Fact, Saying 'Boo-urns'
What a way to start the week!
Last night, Donald Trump likely imagined he'd be taking a victory lap after the death of ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. He probably imagined that even his worst detractors would be hailing him as a hero, despite the fact that he really had nothing to do with it at all. He probably thought it was safe to go to a public place that was not pre-packed with only his most devoted fans. That he could even attend the World Series, in a stadium with more seats than there are Trump voters in DC, and, at the very least, not be treated like the last living Cherry Sister.
When the announcer finally announced his presence, about an hour into the game, the entire stadium let out a loud, cathartic, sustained boo. Moments later, before the boos even had a chance to die out, the sports fans busted out with a surprise "Lock Him Up!" chant.
Megan Rapinoe Spent 24 Hours Drinking Champagne And Punching Conservative Men In The Dick. YAY!
Her very existence makes them crazy. USA! USA! USA!
As an official bandwagon fan of Megan Rapinoe and the US women's national soccer team, we can affirmatively report that Rapinoe is having a pretty badass 24 hours. We can also report that she is driving conservative douche-rocket men CRAZY.
OH NO, DEAR CALEB, WHAT IS MEGAN RAPINOE DOING TO MAKE YOUR DICK FEEL SMALL TODAY?
Oh nothing, they just had a big-ass ticker-tape parade for the team through the Canyon of Heroes in New York, and Megan Rapinoe dared to BE SILLY LIKE A COMMON SILLY PERSON, saying "I deserve this! ALL OF IT!" while she drank Veuve that she did, in fact, deserve to be drinking in the morning, like the co-captain of the world's best soccer team who just won the fucking World Cup.
One Time Trump Sucked So Hard At Golf He Had To Cheat A Small Child To 'Win'
Ladies and gentleladies of America, this is your president.
UPDATE: When we wrote this story, the Vox interview it references talked about a SMALL CHILD Trump cheated off of. Vox has now issued a correction saying OOPSIE the person they were interviewing screwed up, and the person in question was in fact a YOUNG MAN, and we don't mean like "GO TO YOUR ROOM, YOUNG MAN!" Apparently he's in his 20s. DOESN'T CHANGE HOW DONALD TRUMP IS A PIECE OF SHIT.
And now, on with our regularly scheduled post!
Stories of Donald Trump being a weak-ass thin-skinned loser who cheats at golf are myriad and they are all pathetic and gross. A quick perusal of internet dot com brings up a million stories about Trump cheating and lying on the golf course, "winning" tournaments he didn't actually participate in, and just in general acting like the same fucking pig on the golf course he acts like everywhere else. A lot of the stories are proliferating right now because a sportswritin' fella named Rick Reilly wrote a book called Commander In Cheat: How Golf Explains Trump, published about a month ago, about how Trump's boorish loser behavior in golf tells you a whole lot about the man who currently is stinking up the Oval Office with his orange skin flakes and his cheesy Big Mac farts.
As Reilly wrote in The Atlantic last month, "Whatever Trump Is Playing, It Isn't Golf."
Reilly has a new interview in Vox, and one snippet of it is flying around Twitter, because it's about Trump cheating at golf off A LITTLE BOY YOUNG MAN OF A CERTAIN AGE. Part of the story was reported a couple of months ago at Golf.com, about a tournament Trump "won" but didn't even play in, because it was held during his Singapore fail-summit with Kim Jong Un. But the "cheating against kids STRAPPING YOUNG MEN" part is new!
Puke Along With Us To Fed Nominee Stephen Moore's Five Foulest 'Writings' Oh My Sweet Jesus For Real
You didn't need to keep your breakfast.
Donald Trump's hopes of filling the Federal Reserve with idiots who "agree" with him on economic policy -- whatever it is on any given day -- hit a couple of big bumps yesterday. Herman Cain withdrew his name from consideration, and Stephen Moore, the other Trump pick waiting to be formally nominated, is facing scrutiny over wildly misogynist stuff he wrote in the National Review between 2000 and 2004. Moore's defense, however, is airtight: He was just joking! Don't you people know a joke when you see it?
Moore had already faced some skepticism over his personal expertise in finance, since the IRS placed a lien against him for $75,000 in unpaid income taxes, and he was held in contempt of court after failing to pay his ex-wife more than $300,000 he owed her as part of a divorce settlement. On top of that, there's also his basic incompetence as an economist, not that Republicans would have held a minor problem like that against him.
But yesterday, CNN looked closely at some of Moore's columns from the National Review from the turn of the century, and found a guy who sounded like he might have fit in quite well with gentlemanly thinkers from the turn of the previous century. Consider his very amusing 2002 observations on how college basketball could be improved, mostly by getting rid of slimy girls. He was very sad about certain "un-American" developments in sportsball that needed fixing:
Donald Trump Proclaimed Greatest Golfer Ever, By Donald Trump
Florida Man wins golf championship, yes sir.
Just in case anyone was wondering, Donald Trump is one excellent golfer, even though he promised he'd give up golf so he wouldn't be like that lazybones golf addict Barack Obama, NO WAY. But since Trump nevertheless finds a little bit of time to golf -- always while conducting the nation's business, mind you -- it should be no surprise he managed to win his own golf resort's 2018 Champion Best Golfer award for bestness. Golf magazine explains how this wonder came to be: Trump cheated. Wait, we are giving away the secret surprise ending, naughty Dok Zoom, bad Dok Zoom, that is not how a "teaser" works!
Meatball Gets Caught Telling Another Whopper
TO THE FAINTING COUCH!
Meatball, ya big, dumb lyin' dickhead! Turns out Matthew "Big Dick Toilet" "Patent Scam" Whitaker may have made a little oopsie on his résumé for 30 years straight. The Wall Street Journal reports that the Acting Attorney General repeatedly claimed to have been named an Academic All-American as a tight end at the University of Iowa in 1990-1992, but does not appear on the list of recipients of the honor.
Whaaaaaat? A member of the Trump administration telling fibs? CLUTCH THE PEARLS.
In fact, Whitaker was named an All-District regional honoree, a large pool from which All-Americans are eventually selected. Whitaker falsely claimed to have received the honor on his former law firm's website and on the résumé he submitted to the patent scam firm in 2014 -- which, I Really Don't Care, Do U? But the Journal reports that the lie was included in his application for a federal judgeship in 2010, and in the 2009 press release announcing his departure from the US Attorney's office in Iowa. Lucky thing Whitaker's the highest unelected law enforcement officer in the land, not some maintenance worker, or he might get fired for that shit.
Wrongly Convicted Man Set Free After 27 Years By Super Sleuths At ... Golf Digest!
FUCKING GOLF CLAP, GENTS!
It's not every day Golf Digest gets noticed as a source of hard-hitting investigative journalism, at least outside of reviews of titanium carbon fiber nanotech infinite improbability drivers or some such. But Wednesday, some journamalisming that started with a Golf Digest story about a guy who drew fantastic imaginary golf courses concluded with that guy, Valentino Dixon, walking out of Attica prison, 27 years after he'd been sentenced for 39 years to life. Not bad, Golf Digest. We give you a GOLF CLAP. And a Pulitzer if we had one, which, sadly, we don't.
As Golf Digest says, the twists and turns of the case are a bit complex (they're unraveled in more detail in this New York Times story), but it basically comes down to a local prosecutor who was determined to railroad Dixon for the 1991 murder of a 17-year-old, Torriano Jackson, in Buffalo, New York. The conviction involved
shoddy police work, zero physical evidence linking Dixon, conflicting testimony of unreliable witnesses, the videotaped confession to the crime by another man, a public defender who didn't call a witness at trial, and perjury charges against those who said Dixon didn't do it.
Dixon had a prior conviction for selling cocaine, and he made a convenient target for Erie County prosecutor Chris Belling, who was weirdly determined to ignore even statements from the actual killer, LaMarr Scott, who pleaded guilty to the killing shortly before Dixon's release this week.
Colin Kaepernick And Nike Trigger Some Dicks
Just do something stupid.
Colin Kaepernick, the former San Francisco 49ers quarterback who started the "take a knee" protests of racial injustice, revealed Monday that he's the face of Nike's 30th anniversary "Just Do It" campaign. It's a major deal: Kaepernick will have his own branded line including shoes, shirts, jerseys and more. It's a "star contract" worth millions plus royalties. That's impressive for someone who's not currently playing football. He's allegedly been blackballed from the NFL, and hopes to prove collusion (there's that word again) amongst team owners to keep him off the field.
People who considered Kaepernick literally kneeling during the National Anthem as somehow a giant middle finger at veterans, the flag, and apple pie are upset. They would've preferred Kaepernick remain unemployed or earn money in some "degrading" way they could mock like assholes. Nike had other ideas.
Adult President Throws Tantrum Following Mild Criticism From Black Men
What a bum.
In the middle of the night last night, Donald Trump, our 72-year-old president, tweeted out some insults for CNN anchor Don Lemon and NBA great Lebron James.
Donald Trump, who just the other day failed his 6th grade geography quiz...
...felt that he, of all people, ought to weigh in on the intelligence of the two men.
Why? Because they hurt his feelings with some incredibly mild criticism of Trump's tendency to scream bloody murder about football players protesting police brutality, during a CNN interview about the public school James is funding in Akron.
Via Mediaite:
"We are in a position right now in America…where this race thing has taken over," James said. "Because I believe our president is kind of trying to divide us."
"Kind of?" Lemon asked.
"Is," James confirmed. "I don't want to say kind of. What I've noticed over the last few months is he's kind of used sport to divide us."
Oh wow, what a sick burn. How horrible of them to say something that is objectively true. Next, they will accuse him of having blond hair and being named "Donald."
LeBron also said that he was not interested in talking to Trump. Oh, the horror.
Lemon asked James what he would say to Trump if he were sitting in the room.
"I would never sit across from him," James replied.
"You would never? You don't want to talk to him?" Lemon asked.
"No. I'd sit across from Barack, though," he said, laughing
While most adult humans, especially presidents, would be able to handle a basketball player not particularly caring for them, Trump clearly could not. Perhaps because he had so hoped they would be friends.
Oddly enough, he ended his little conniption fit by saying "I like Mike!" -- ostensibly referring to Michael Jordan. Man, no one better tell him that Michael Jordan has also spoken out against police brutality and criticized the demonization of sports players who exercise their first amendment rights. He would be devastated. He might never recover.
Now, look. I know fuckall about sports. The only time I interact with sports is when I am annoyed that my regular bar is filled with people or when I find out that the Celtics won a thing and thoughtfully text my dad to say "Congratulations on your sports!" Also I have a very big crush on young Rosey Grier, whom I maintain is the platonic ideal of a non-toxic masculinity (and also way dishy, and with a lovely singing voice). But what I can tell you is that what LeBron James is doing with this school -- with this public school -- is freaking amazing.
Via Quartz:
At the I Promise school, tuition is free for all students, who were randomly selected among all Akron public school students between one to two years behind their peers in reading. Students get free uniforms, free meals and snacks during the school day, and free transportation to school. Every kid also gets a free bicycle and helmet, as James has said that having access to his own set of wheels gave him a way to escape from dangerous parts of his neighborhood and the freedom to explore during his childhood. And in a nod to the realities of the way schoolwork gets done in the digital age, every kid gets a free Chromebook, too.
On top of that, there's help for the parents to get jobs, finish their GEDs, a food bank, scholarships to the University of Akron, psychological help for the teachers, and all other kinds of great things. Like, this is a truly, truly amazing thing that he is doing here.
It says a lot about Donald Trump, as a human being, that he would actually jump all over someone who is doing something this wonderful, just because that person did not kiss the ring. It doesn't say anything we didn't know about him already, but it says a lot.
[Mediaite]
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Normal Website The Daily Caller Fantasizes About 'Punishing' Kneeling Football Men
It's ... it's fucking gross is what it is.
The Daily Caller, a completely normal website founded by very normal human being/bow tie aficionado Tucker Carlson, posted a very normal article this week posing the question "How do you think NFL players who kneel should be punished?"
'Deep State' Continues Framing Totally Innocent, Non-Complicit In Sex Abuse Jim Jordan
You can't scrub away the gross from this
The Ohio State University sex abuse scandal is one of those stories of such escalating repulsiveness that you think it's gone on forever, when it's only barely been two weeks. Former team doctor Richard Strauss is alleged to have sexually assaulted a minimum of 1,500/2000 student athletes from 1978 to 1998 in at least 15 varsity sports, one of which is wrestling, and Ohio Rep. Jim Jordan was assistant wrestling coach from 1986 to 1994, so there's some overlap there.
Jordan has repeatedly insisted that he "knew nothing" about all the sports-related rape and just sort of hopes the story will go away so he can't get back to helping bury the Russia investigation for his buddy Donald Trump. However, the victims of Strauss's unspeakable acts have different ideas.
Like A Very Stupid Bull In A NATO Shop. Wonkagenda For Thurs., July 12, 2018
Trump threatens to kill NATO, Paul Manafort loses VIP status, and Papa John is quit-fired. Your morning news brief!
Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.
NEWS INCOMING. Wonkagenda For Mon., July 9, 2018
Another prime time Supreme Court shitshow, baby jails somehow get worse, and Jim Jordan's locker room talk. Your morning news brief!
Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.
Ohio State Sports Doc Molested Thousands. Keep Rep. Jim Jordan OUT OF IT!
Just look the other way.
Holy Trigger Warning, Batman! NBC just dropped a story on a molesting sports doctor at Ohio State University, and it is HORRIFYING.
TFW Devin Nunes Tries To Troll LeBron James But Just Ends Up Dunking On Himself
Get back underneath your cow, Devin.
Devin Nunes, smart person, took some time out of being an unregistered foreign agent for the Russian Federation to react to news that LeBron James has signed a four year, $145 million contract to play for the Lakers.
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