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Politics

Donald Trump To LOCK HER UP San Francisco For Homeless Pollution

Yep, it's that crazy.

In today's episode of Shit Poppy Says, Donald Trump has #Thoughts on homeless people. Apparently, the city of San Francisco is in BIG TROUBLE, MISTER for allowing its homeless population to throw used needles into the storm drains willy nilly. So Donald Trump's EPA, which cares so very deeply about the health of our planet, will be issuing a violation toot sweet for the city's flagrant violation of A LAW. What law he thinks San Francisco is violating, the Derp Leader didn't say. But it's a big one, that's for sure!

Please, White House Pooler, tell the good people that Your Wonkette hasn't gone entirely off the deep end and made up this crazy shit that Trump barfed out last night on Airforce One.

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Congress

Kyrsten Sinema Under Attack From Arizona Democrats Who Don't Realize They're In Arizona

Can't we have nice things?

Things are looking good for Democrats in Arizona. Kyrsten Sinema flipped Jeff Flake's former Senate seat last year, and Republican Martha McSally is on track next year to continue her streak of losing Senate races. Elizabeth Warren is even running neck-and-neck with Donald Trump in some state polls. Arizona Democrats should celebrate -- preferably someplace air-conditioned, but instead they want to censure their brand new senior senator.

Dan O'Neal, a leader in the Progressive Caucus, explained the sudden buyer's remorse.

O'NEAL: The Progressive Caucus is very concerned with Kyrsten Sinema's voting record. We love her, as we love all Democrats, but we want her to vote like a Democrat rather than supporting Trump half the time.

FiveThirtyEight confirms that Sinema votes with Trump 54.5 percent of the time, which is far superior to Flake and Meghan McCain's father. They both humped Trump more than 80 percent of the time, but they were "deeply concerned" about it. So fine, let Mark Kelly be the more liberal of Arizona's two Democratic senators. That would suit us just fine.

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2016 Presidential Election

Manhattan DA Cyrus Vance Will Take Trump's Tax Returns Now, Because THIS IS NEW YORK, BITCH

Supreme Court can't save you now.

States are doin' it for themselves. If the federal courts are going to let Trump stonewall congressional Democrats on the release of his tax returns -- although, for the record, we're still confident that no court in the land is going to let Trump piss on the plain meaning of the statute and defy the Ways and Means Committee -- then New York will step up to the plate.

And so Manhattan District Attorney Cyrus Vance has gotten a grand jury to subpoena eight years of Trump's personal and business tax returns from Mazars USA, the accountants who prepared them. The New York Times first reported the subpoenas, which are part of an investigation into the Trump Organization's reimbursement payments to Michael Cohen for fronting the $130,000 to Stormy Daniels to keep her quiet about her adventures with Mario Kart Yeti Pubes.

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Class War

Trump's Final Homeless Solution Will Be TERRIFIC, By Which We Mean Terrifying.

Policy ideas from Soylent Green seldom work out well.

"I'm glad I'm living in the land of the free / Where the rich just get richer / And the poor you don't ever have to see" -- Randy Newman, "The World Isn't Fair"

Donald Trump has reportedly been demanding that the federal government clear out all the homeless people in California -- not because he's particularly concerned about homelessness nationwide, but because 1) Fox News has been harping on homeless people in California for the last few months and B) bashing California gets his rally crowds worked up. And that is how policy in the USA gets made these days. Yes, really; the Washington Post's initial story Tuesday on Trump's suddenly discovered need to clean up homelessness makes that quite clear:

Fox News has aired at least 18 segments on California homelessness in 2019, according to a review of Fox closed-captioning transcripts. None of the segments aired before June, and 10 aired in August alone.

We deeply appreciate the explanatory coda to that paragraph: "Trump is known to absorb content and ideas from Fox News." Which is why the Great Man's minions are now preparing to put on a show of doing something, anything, that can be seen on video to satisfy him. No, actually funding housing and programs that would keep people from becoming homeless is not visually interesting enough. Something along these lines would be a lot more exciting. Could we try this please?

Soylent Green. Bucket detain www.youtube.com

Then we could replace WIC and SNAP benefits with monthly shipments of Soylent products. They're packed with protein and shelf-stable!

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News

Meet Briscoe Cain, The Texas Rep Idiot Who Death Threated Beto Last Night. WHAT A BIG MAN!

Also describes himself as 'gorgeous wife' in his Twitter bio.

Beto O'Rourke had a good debate last night. First of all, he was warned beforehand that he was not allowed to say his normal campaign speech, which is "COCK DICK MOTHERFUCKER PISS WHISTLE BOOTIE HOLE WEENER WEENER WEENER" -- fits on a long bumper sticker! -- because there wouldn't be a delay to bleep out his naughtiness, and he mostly remained cuss-free! Candidates on the stage seemed like they were having a competition to say nice things to Beto, specifically about how amazing he's been speaking out after the horrific mass terrorist shooting in his hometown of El Paso. We reckon that while Beto may not be in striking distance of becoming one of the frontrunners in the presidential race, he's about at the front of the pack when it comes to the veepstakes, especially if somebody like Warren wins. (Those frontrunners are not idiots. They would like to win Texas.)

And one of Beto's big moments came when he was asked if he was FOR REAL when he said he was gonna grab yer guns, specifically your AR-15s and your AK-47. His answer? Fuck yes he is. Or rather, because he was not allowed to say cusses, FUDGE YEAH!

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Culture Wars

Rudy Giuliani Took 'Blue' Anniversary of 9/11 A Little Too Literally

Here's a video that is bullshit!

September 11th, 2001 was a day that forever changed the course of history. It started a war we are still waging (Afghanistan), created new government departments (DHS, ICE), gave the government wide authorizations to violate privacy (Patriot Act), and created the security theater we all perform every time we want to go on a flight. (Because somehow a 16 ounce bottle of shampoo is bad, but two eight ounce bottles next to each other is cool. It's just science!) And as each year has passed, we've seen the anniversary of 9/11 cravenly used as a political tool, mostly by Republicans.

There is no better example of this than Trump's personal lawyer, former mayor of New York City and Nosferatu-looking fuckmouth: Rudy Giuliani.

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State/Local Politics

North Carolina God Damn!

Just another day in a failed state.

You might recall that expert report a few years back which determined North Carolina's democratic institutions are a mess, roughly on a par with those in Cuba, Indonesia, or Sierra Leone, and not quite as good as Rwanda. Republicans in the North Carolina House of Representatives apparently think the state needs to slide down a few ranks, so today they pulled a funny little trick to pass an override of Democratic Gov. Roy Cooper's veto of the state budget. All they had to do was tell Democrats that no votes would be taken in the morning session, and then, in the half-empty chamber, the Rs forced a vote on the budget override, which passed 55-9, HA! HA!

Gov. Cooper had vetoed the budget bill in June because it didn't include funding to expand Medicaid, and also because it skimped on pay raises for teachers while giving tax cuts to corporations.

Oh, and for an extra bit of awful, many of the Democrats were reportedly out attending 9/11 memorials, although the Associated Press notes "it wasn't immediately clear how many lawmakers may have been attending memorials." Look, if they're too wrapped up in silly distractions, that's on them!

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News

Stacey Abrams Has A PLAN FOR THAT.

And believe it or not, there's a Democrat running for Senate.

Stacey Abrams believes Democrats should and can compete in the South. Don't laugh. It's not such a crazy idea. We used to do all right in the land that grows Huckabees. Democratic presidents Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton were both Southerners, and even gangland Chicago's Barack "The Tan Suit" Obama was practically one of us. Remember how he belted out "Amazing Grace" at Charleston's Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church?

Abrams specially argues that Georgia is winnable. She lost the governor's race there by just 55,000 votes, and the "winner" had his grubby fingers on the scale. Abrams released a playbook this week that lays out a path to Democratic victory, and her proposed strategy is more comprehensive than "don't let Republicans cheat."

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News

North Carolina Will Get 2018 Election Right This Time, You Betcha!

But did Republicans hire a more competent ratfucker this time?

The final congressional election of 2018 will take place tomorrow, as North Carolina's 9th district holds a do-over of the race that was marred -- besmirched, even -- by alleged election fraud, stemming from a Republican operative's operation to fuck with the absentee vote. The state Board of Elections voted in February to hold a new election after plenty of evidence suggested Republican Mark Harris's 2018 "win" over Democrat Dan McCready was tainted by the alleged absentee ballot fraud, and the alleged frauder, McCrae Dowless, has been charged with a whole load of felonies related to the scheme.

Harris decided not to run, possibly because of all his self-beclowning in the hearings into the 2018 mess, so while McCready is running again, the R candidate this time out will be state Senator Dan Bishop, the author of the state's notorious trans bathroom bill. Sadly, Harris's endorsed candidate, Boss Hogg cosplayer Stony Rushing, lost the do-over primary. And those Duke boys will never get caught at this rate.

Donald Trump is traveling to the district tonight for a rally in Fayetteville, where he's expected to remember Bishop at some point, and to accuse McCready of personally teaching illegal immigrants to murder white girls while singing the praises of Nancy Pelosi, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, and Ilhan Omar. Who he'll also blame for Hurricane Dorian. "We never had Hurricane Dorian before those two were elected," he'll point out, shedding a single tear in Alabama's direction as a symbol of his unwavering promise to #NeverForget.

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Guns

AZ GOP Chair Kelli Ward Just Ironically Threatening To Shoot Mark Kelly In The Head

Hey, it's not like she's suggesting people yell at him in restaurants.

Kelli Ward sucks at politics. She most recently demonstrated her suckiness when she came in a distant second in last year's Arizona Republican Senate primary. She narrowly beat racist slime ball Joe Arpaio, but it was Martha McSally who decisively won the right to have her ass whooped by our girl Kyrsten Sinema. Gov. Doug Ducey gave McSally John McCain's former Senate seat as a consolation prize. Now Ward is trying to help McSally keep the job Arizonans clearly didn't want her to have. She was elected in January to lead the Arizona Republican Party after defeating the incumbent chair, Jonathan Lines. Ward's victory was described as an "upset," because Lines was an "establishment favorite." He was also probably competent enough to avoid sending fundraising emails like the one Ward shot off on Thursday.

Ward actually put these words together and shared them with people: "Support the Republican Party of Arizona today and, together, we'll stop gun-grabber Mark Kelly dead in his tracks." It's both gross and inaccurate. Kelly supports universal background checks and wants to ensure "dangerous individuals" don't have access to firearms. So, yeah, he probably wants to "grab guns" from deranged people. That's not a bad thing. Kelly himself is a gun owner but he understands improved gun safety laws won't infringe on his Constitutional rights.

Kelly's wife is former congresswoman Gabby Giffords. Eight years ago, Giffords was meeting with constituents at a Tuscon Safeway when some asshole shot her in the head. Six people died, including a nine-year-old girl, and 15 others were injured. Arizona Republicans should at least remember Giffords exists and that an asshole shooting her in the head is probably why she's not personally spanking McSally next year.

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Post-Racial America

University Of Alabama Dean YOU'RE FIRED For Tweeting While Black

Conservatives should start defending his 'freedom of speech' any minute now ... just hold on ... any minute.

Finally, someone in Alabama is losing their job because of racist conduct! Don't get too excited. It's not Gov. Kay Ivey, who was part of a blackface comedy troupe at Auburn University. No, it's Jamie R. Riley, assistant vice president and dean of students at the University of Alabama (roll tide!). Riley resigned after less than seven months on the the job. That's a lifetime in Scaramuccis but shockingly brief for academia. What horribly offensive racist act could he have perpetrated? Well, Riley, who is black, made some controversial statements on Twitter about America and race. They were a few years old, before he even started his drive-through tenure at Alabama.

Breitbart broke the "story" about Riley's tweets, because it enjoys breaking black people. Shirley Sherrod lost her position in the Obama administration because of a Breitbart smear job. Digging through someone's Twitter feed for problematic tweets has replaced digging through someone's garbage for incriminating documents, like a take-out receipt from Olive Garden. People say a lot of racist stuff on Twitter. Ben Shapiro once marked Travyon Martin's 21st birthday with a glib joke about his shooting death. Riley however seems to have made the critical mistake of tweeting while black. You can get away with posting that MLK quote about how "hate cannot drive out hate," but anything else is risking controversy. Let's take look at Riley's terrible, awful tweets:

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News

Boston Judge Goes Wilding On Defense Lawyer, 'Straight Pride Parade' Counterprotesters

Very fine people on both sides we guess.

Shit is going down in Boston.

Last weekend, some Nazi fuckboys had their "straight pride"parade in Boston. It was an appropriately pathetic affair, where tens of men who can't get laid all came together to blame teh gays, women, and people of color for their failings in life. Far more people showed up to protest the event than actually attend it, including pro-LGBTQ rights protesters and antifa.

There were some clashes between the two groups and local police. The police then arrested and pepper sprayed a whole bunch of people, including people who were just exercising their First Amendment rights. One protester said he was arrested for calling a cop a pig -- which is a perfectly legal expression of free speech.

Because America.

In the end, 36 people were arrested. Their charges range from disorderly conduct and resisting arrest (charges police like to use when they can't articulate what a person actually did that was illegal) to more serious charges, like assault and battery on a police officer. Local prosecutors moved to dismiss a number of charges, which normally would be uncontroversial and summarily granted. But not today, satans!

A number of people arrested last weekend were arraigned in Boston Municipal Court on Tuesday and Wednesday. In one courtroom, Judge Richard Sinnott refused to drop charges against seven protesters -- even though prosecutors had requested the dismissals. He then had the protesters' defense lawyer arrested for trying to recite the law in court. In another courtroom, Judge Thomas Horgan told three protesters to "stay out of Boston." Because we live in a fucking police state.

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News

North Carolina Judges Piss On GOP's Election Maps Like They're On Fire!

So that's a Nice Time!

The North Carolina GOP really loves them some gerrymandering. Whether it's racial gerrymandering or partisan gerrymandering, they will pretty much do whatever it takes to keep themselves in power, the will of the people be damned. But yesterday's decision in Common Cause v. Lewis thew out their bullshit maps and ordered that the maps be redrawn but fucking now.

Why? Because democracy.

Extreme partisan gerrymandering does not fairly and truthfully ascertain the will of the people. Voters are not freely choosing their representatives. Rather, representatives are choosing their voters. It is not the will of the people that is fairly ascertained through extreme partisan gerrymandering. Rather, it is the will of the map drawers that prevails.

In a massive 357-page decision, a three-judge panel ruled that the GOP has really got to stop ratfucking the people of North Carolina and draw new legislative maps for the 2020 election. A new map is now due in two weeks. And the judges were beautifully, righteously pissed.

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Post-Racial America

Alabama Gov. Kay Ivey INVENTED Blackface Trend, Way Before Poseur Ralph Northam

No, she won't have to resign for this. Then again, neither did Northam.

Alabama Gov. Kay Ivey has fessed up to blacking her face up while in college. When Ivey was a senior at Auburn University in 1967, her sorority, Alpha Gamma Delta (KKK, for short), had a photo on its yearbook page depicting five dumbass white girls in gross blackface with grosser images of "Mammy!" shouting figures on their shirts. These women have probably all gone on to serve on juries. The photo's caption reads: "Alpha Gam Minstrels welcome rushees aboard their showboat." We know we're talking about Alabama, but it was 1967, not 1867. They could've dressed as Vulcans or Monkees.

There's no evidence that Ivey is one of the Jolsons in the photo. But the governor was "made aware" of a college radio interview featuring herself and her then-fiance Ben LaRavia, which turned out to be a sort of blackface podcast. LaRavia shares the charming anecdote of Ivey dressing up in "a pair of blue coveralls" and wearing "black paint all over her face." People were listening to this shit. We know LaRavia wouldn't have revealed to the entire campus that Ivey liked for him to tie her up and tickle her feet with his tongue. She certainly would've spoken up or objected if he had, but there was no shame in her blackface game.

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Elections

Georgia Election Missing 100,000 Votes, Mostly From Democrats And Black Folks. Is That Bad?

We think that might be bad, maybe!

The Atlanta Journal-Constitution is trying to make sense of a little electoral mystery from Georgia's 2018 elections: Roughly 100,000 votes in the state's race for lieutenant governor appear to have gone missing from electronic voting machines. It's the sort of thing that would have Lieutenant Columbo scratching his head and wondering out loud how such a thing could have happened, because it just doesn't make a lot of sense. In any election, the longer the ballot is, the more likely people are to skip filling in votes for down-ballot races. But in Georgia in 2018, there was a huge drop-off in votes between the governor's race and the lieutenant-governor race. Now, MAYBE that simply reflected far lower interest, since the lieutenant governor's contest wasn't nearly as interesting as the fight between Republican Brian Kemp and Democrat Stacey Abrams.

But weirdly, the number of votes in down-ballot races were actually higher than in the lt.-gov. race, meaning

fewer votes were counted for lieutenant governor than for labor commissioner, insurance commissioner and every other statewide contest lower on the ballot. Roughly 80,000 fewer votes were counted for lieutenant governor than in other down-ballot elections.

That, says the Democratic candidate, Sarah Riggs Amico, is pretty odd. She lost the election to Republican Geoff Duncan, and despite her requests, Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger isn't interested in investigating the anomaly, because maybe lots of people just didn't care as much about the second-listed election as they did about the hotly contested insurance commissioner race.

But there's no absolute proof of any fuckery, so there's no need to investigate, you see? It's the Georgia Way.

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Sex

Find Yourself A Man Who Looks At You The Way Jerry Falwell Jr. Looks At His Personal Trainer. ALLEGEDLY.

Preferably a man with the assets of a $600 million non-profit at his disposal.

Jerry Falwell Jr. is a man of God. But he's also a man of wealth and taste who likes to travel in style and take very good care of his friends.

Friends, meet Benjamin Crosswhite, Jerry Falwell Jr.'s personal trainer who some sort of way wound up getting a $2 million dollar athletic club from Liberty University for a whopping zero dollars. Not to be confused with Giancarlo Granda, the handsome poolboy Jerry Falwell and his wife Becki befriended in Miami and set up in the hotel business. That guy was brunette! Ben is a totally different hot, white dude, who graduated from Liberty University in 2011 and stuck around Lynchburg, Virginia, to be the Falwells' personal trainer. Plus, he's blond.

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