Fox News Cancels Caravan 'Crisis,' Re-Declares War On Jim Acosta And Sharks And Happy Holidays And ...
These guys are shameless
Good news, everyone! Carol's lake house in Minnesota has checked in "safe" on Facebook from that awful caravan crisis, which unlike what conservatives think about climate change was definitely man-made. You probably recall the story about the Marie Antoinette of Minnesota whom Donald Trump had scared even more shades of white about an invading army of hostile poor people. This "caravan of migrants" would not stop until it reached a state that is only habitable for human life for about two weeks in May. Then would come the raping and pillaging in an undetermined order until even innocent lake houses were "occupied."
Mr. Trump's dystopian imagery has clearly left an impression with some. Carol Shields, 75, a Republican in northern Minnesota, said she was afraid that migrant gangs could take over people's summer lake homes in the state.
"What's to stop them?" said Ms. Shields, a retired accountant. "We have a lot of people who live on lakes in the summer and winter someplace else. When they come back in the spring, their house would be occupied."
What's to stop "them"? Absolutely nothing ... that isn't, say, a midterm election that happened Tuesday! The caravan probably packed it in on Wednesday, because what's the point? All eligible voters have been terrified. Turns out the caravan didn't contain gang members after all but just the electoral version of the creatures from Monsters, Inc. who live on fear.
Brian Kemp Declares Victory, Quits Job. He Can Move Into 'Tara' Now, He Means Governor's Mansion?
He's done his job real good.
Georgia Secretary of State Brian Kemp resigned his job Thursday, declaring himself the winner of Georgia's gubernatorial election before all the votes have been counted and before the election has been certified. He's a busy guy, and since he's fairly sure Georgia's election was sufficiently fucked up that Democrat Stacey Abrams won't have a chance at a runoff election, he's skedaddling to start his transition.
Abrams, for her part, isn't conceding a damn thing and is gearing up to sue if necessary, to ensure all outstanding ballots are both accounted for and counted.
Jim Acosta Nudged White House Intern To Death, But She Got Better
White House now literally distributing fake news. But we still see Trump crapping all over the Mueller investigation.
After yesterday's completely fuckbonkers press conference with Donald Trump, the White House announced it was suspending press credentials for CNN's Jim Acosta. Acosta had angered the Great Man by asking too many questions yesterday, including one where he challenged Trump's characterization of Central American asylum seekers as an "invasion," and, after Trump told him to sit down and shut up, another in which he asked about the pipe bombs sent to CNN, which prompted Trump to say, "When you report fake news, you are the enemy of the people." Not that Trump was condoning violence, because Trump would never do such a thing except when he fantasizes about punching protesters in the face or declares a congressman who body-slammed a reporter for asking a question "my kind of guy."
Midterms Fairly Good For TAKIN' ALL YR GUNS
Gun Sense spending way up, NRA spending WAY down.
With all the Trumpfuckery clouding every single aspect of the midterms, it would be easy to overlook any single issue that isn't the suddenly-vanished (maybe, for a day) existential threat posed by some terrifying Central American families fleeing for their lives. But hey, turns out the midterm outcomes showed definite gains for candidates calling for saner gun laws. Maybe the USA won't be turning into a liberty-free hellscape like Australia, which went from 1996 to 2018 without any mass shootings. But there's definitely hope for saner gun policy, starting with Tuesday's election results.
Seems like some sanity might be in order, since we drafted this story yesterday afternoon and now we're all waking up to yet another massacre, this time in Thousand Oaks, California, where Wednesday night a previously responsible gun owner shot and killed 12 people, including a sheriff's sergeant, at a nightclub full of college students. Time for thoughts and prayers and doing nothing more, we guess.
CHIN UP, F*CKERS! We Have Only Just Begun To Win So Much We'll Get Sick Of Winning
Can we stop being sad sacks for a minute, please?
Did you wake up this afternoon in a puddle of your own gin-soaked filth, and very sad about Beto and Andrew Gillum and all the other people you have fallen in mad love with losing their races last night? (Rebecca did, but she woke up at the PROPER MORNING TIME in her own gin filth.) Are you freaking out now that Donald Trump has fired Jeff Sessions and the future of the Russia investigation is in danger? Awwwwwwwww, we are sorry, but STOP THAT, because we need to actually take some time to focus on what a badass night America had last night.
Last night's midterms were disappointing in some ways. We get it! We all really wanted last night to be a 100% repudiation of everything Donald Trump has done to America, and a Beto win or an Andrew Gillum win (we still don't know WTF is going to happen with Stacey Abrams, which is why we're not including her in this list) would have been a massive symbol of that repudiation, one we all really need on a core, gut level. But we didn't get it. (Possibly because they were stolen, because that's always a possibility when competing with the GOP.) Regardless, it's time we take a rest and then get right back into the fight, because those wins are out there for us, in 2020 and 2022 and 2024 and literally every other election for the rest of our lives.
But can we take a moment to recognize the sheer amazingness of all the stuff that happened last night?
Poll Worker Charged With Assault After Yelling Startlingly Racist Sh*t
This woman is not okay.
Yesterday was one of the most racist election days in memory. Vote suppression tactics fueled by MAGA hate collided with the voting rights of millions of minorities in America. In some cases, we were left screaming at the TV like, "HOW THE FUCK IS THIS EVEN HAPPENING?" Take the case of poll worker Juanita Barnes, who decided it was her God-given right to fuck with black women who were trying to *vote. (*Disclaimer: It's not that fucking with black people who are trying to vote is ANYTHING NEW, it's just that now we all have cell phones, collective political power, and can drag their asses on social media until they beg for mercy.)
Let's Toast Our Winners, Gloat Over GOP Losers Because We're Petty That Way
Good news from the frontlines!
Election night upsets are what justify getting only five hours sleep because you stayed up watching returns. What happened in Florida, Georgia, and Texas -- while upsetting -- aren't genuine upsets. They are both disappointing and something the "man, this country bites" part of you expected to happen all along. So, let's focus on the fun upsets, where creeps are sent packing and good folks prevail.
Lucy McBath, Georgia's Sixth District
This is the district Tom Price vacated to screw over the nation during a short-lived and shameful tenure as secretary of Health and Human Services. McBath is an electoral Batman -- inspired to run for office after her 17-year-old son, Jordan Davis, was murdered by a gun-toting white asshole in 2012. Davis couldn't vote for his mom but the 15 percent of black folks in the suburban Atlanta district sure as hell did. She will probably defeat the anti-gay by even Anita Bryant standards Karen Handel. I say "probably" because there's likely a recount and the assorted underhanded Georgia shadiness to plow through first, but McBath's kicked breast cancer's ass twice so I think she's got this. For Jordan.
Oh, and I'm officially greenlighting a "Lucy McBath" movie, and I expect a Best Actress nomination -- not Best Supporting, Best Actress -- for the
lead (Zoe Saldana or Kerry Washington), not Emma Stone or Mandy Moore or whoever they cast to play Handel.
Stacey Abrams Not Conceding A Goddamn Thing!
And she shouldn't. Look at her opponent, this disgusting crook!
Voting in Georgia yesterday was exactly the sort of disorganized frustrating fuck-tussle you might expect in a state where the Republican Secretary of State Brian Kemp is simultaneously running for governor AND in charge of making the election run smoothly. Big surprise! In many areas with large black populations, the voting didn't go so smoothly! After "technical issues" at multiple sites -- little things, like poll workers forgetting power cords for machines -- many voters had to wait three or four hours to vote. And that is perfectly convenient and normal and not at all a form of voter suppression because as any fool knows, there's no such thing as voter suppression.
Chief Justice John Roberts Made Jim Crow Great Again
Oh, he'll have a legacy all right!
It's easy to blame Georgia's Secretary of State Brian Kemp, a less charming Boss Hogg-style villain, for the blatant voter suppression efforts in the state: electronic voting machines not working because someone "forgot" to send electrical cords for them, and the four-and-a-half hour lines in black districts as if the polling places were holding one-night-only concerts with the ghosts of Prince, Michael Jackson, and Aretha Franklin. It may be a winning campaign strategy: "I'm not racist. I'm just incompetent. Hell, I'm probably both. Make me governor." But Kemp was only in position for such large-scale corruption because the Supreme Court in 2013 ruled to make Jim Crow great again and gutted the Voting Rights Act.
"Our country has changed," Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr. wrote for the majority. "While any racial discrimination in voting is too much, Congress must ensure that the legislation it passes to remedy that problem speaks to current conditions."
Roberts was correct the the country had changed. Barack Obama won re-election in 2012 with a smaller percentage of the white vote than Michael Dukakis in 1988. Racial demographics had changed dramatically in almost a quarter century: White voters had gone from 85 percent of the electorate to 72, with a corresponding -- and concerning for Republicans -- increase in the electorate for blacks and Hispanics. After Mitt Romney's defeat, there were "autopsies" that argued the GOP would have to expand its tent and reach out to minorities. This was all superficial talk. Immigration reform flopped in the Senate the same month the Supreme Court gave Republicans an easier path to retaining power: cheating.
Erick Erickson Romancing A Goat, Georgia Voter Suppression Edition!
Isn't that, like, a sin or something?
Great rightwing thought leader Erick Erickson saw a news story today that proved there is NO VOTER SUPPRESSION in Georgia, and in fact, if there's any problems with voting, they were actually caused by LAZY VOTERS. So he took to the Tweeting Machine to tell the world all about it. Without providing a link to the original story, of course, because there's no chance he'd ever fib.
Now, thanks to years of experience parsing rightwing lies, Yr Wonkette was a tad suspicious about this. For one thing, what the hell is the original story? We scanned down the thread, and some helpful soul had posted the link, to a story by Macon teevee station WMAZ, with a triumphant, "see, it's REAL!" or some such comment. Except golly, Erick is stretching things more than just a tiny bit.
David Brooks Tries On Steve King's Hood, But Like *Moderately* And Whatnot
What's with this guy?
David Brooks, member of the Mediocre White Men Society (his uncle was on the board), is concerned that America is becoming a chocolate city. Brooks scribbled out his scary thoughts in yesterday's New York Times.
Here's the central challenge of our age: Over the next few decades, America will become a majority-minority country. It is hard to think of other major nations, down through history, that have managed such a transition and still held together.
Let's "kick the ballistics" here: "Majority-minority country" is a white supremacist concept. How are the current minorities still "minorities" if we suddenly outnumber what was once the "majority"? I remember an interview with Steven Tyler back in 1998 when he described himself as an "18 year old with 32 years experience!" This is a similarly pathetic denial of reality and the ongoing march of time except also really racist.
Border Patrol Axes Today's El Paso 'Crowd Control' 'Exercise,' Nothing To See Here, Move Along
And who the fuck thought it was a good idea in the first place?
US Customs and Border Protection has decided maybe election day isn't such a great day to practice Border Patrol "crowd control" techniques in the west Texas town of El Paso after all. Or specifically, after Texas and national media brought attention to the exercise with a unified, incredulous, "WHAT EVEN THE FUCK?"
Mind you, it was a routine exercise, the sort of thing law enforcement agencies do routinely, although maybe what's not routine is a very public show of force in a border town ON ELECTION DAY, at the end of a campaign in which Donald Trump has been hyping fears of a "caravan" of asylum-seekers who won't arrive for weeks. Oh, yeah, and in the home town of Beto O'Rourke, the Democratic nominee for US Senate. Other than THAT, it was a perfectly routine training operation.
Maine Gov. Paul LePage To Finally Fulfill His Destiny: Becoming FLORIDA MAN
D-Money, Shifty to join him in retirement.
Gov. Paul LePage promised the people of Maine he would show how much he loves them by getting the fuck out of the state the minute his eight-year infestation of the governor's office ends. Truly, it was a generous valedictory gesture, although he's probably just going to stick the taxpayers with the bill for the many layers of toxic slime he leaves behind in his office. LePage even managed to make retirement in the Sunshine State seem like a Stygian horror.
LePage explained why he'd be becoming a Florida Man who visits Maine in the summers, instead of being a Mainer who winters in Florida:
Jeff Sessions Finally Steps In To Uphold Civil Rights Act By Stopping Minorities From Voting
Bet you absolutely saw that one coming!
Finally, an Election Eve story to gladden your embittered hearts! Attorney General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III has an important reminder for you as you prepare to vote: The Department of Justice is committed to upholding what's left of the Voting Rights Act, and will do its part by monitoring the vote carefully in a lot of minority voting districts and making sure nobody's doing in-person voter fraud. Did the DOJ announce it will look at any number of places where Republicans are suppressing minority votes? Aw, hell no, why would they do that?
Here's Jeff Sessions writing his very important election eve note for the only guy who matters, who plans to fire his ass anyway after the election:
How Sure Are We That Beto O'Rourke Will Lead Blue Wave In Senate? REAL DAMN SURE! ​
OK, Pretty damn sure. But y'all need to VOTE.
Election's on Tuesday, and the prospects for Democrats to take the US Senate back remain pretty much what they were when we started profiling all this year's Senate races in March: Long shot, but definitely could happen. And in several races, Dems' prospects look better now than they did in the spring. Also a huge factor: if polling in midterms is usually iffy, polling for the 2018 midterms has more ifs than David Brooks holding a seance with the shade of David Broder.
Stacey Abrams Is Funny And Awesome And Sweet And Great And Oh Oprah Was There Too
Abrams should really run for something!
It's not commented on often enough on account of her being, you know, a woman and the media being so dude-ish, but next governor of Georgia Stacey Abrams is incredibly charming and personable. She reminds me of the Georgia that feels like my college home. Meanwhile, her Republican opponent Brian Kemp represents the Georgia that would forbid me from buying a home in his neighborhood.
Last week, Abrams had an "adorable off" with Florida governor candidate Andrew Gillum. The two Democrats traded good-natured barbs on Twitter over the upcoming battle between the Georgia Bulldogs and the Florida Gators. The Bulldogs trounced the Gators, and both candidates deserve credit for inspiring me to care even a little about the outcome.
But Tuesday is when Abrams really delivered the Southern charm with extra helpings of "bless your heart." She appeared via satellite on "The View," and after a productive dialogue about voter suppression with fellow sisters in awesome Whoopi Goldberg and Sunny Hostin, co-host Meghan McCain piped-in with her just-as-serious concerns that Abrams was going to take away all the guns her servants use to defend her from poor people or even worse, her personal stash of guns that protect her from the servants.
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