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State Of Texas To Finally Fade Into Obscurity

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Ever since LBJ came to Washington, political elites and indeed all of America have been subjected to the endless dunderheaded clowning of Texans. We have been told that Shiner Bock, a homegrown version of generic piss-beer, is "awesome," and that it looks cool to wear a tuxedo with cowboy boots and a massive belt buckle that draws attention to the wearer's comparatively puny genitals. Finally the tyranny of Texas will come to an end because George W. Bush will soon fuck off back to Dallas or wherever he can find that won't extradite him for War Crimes, and the rest of America will fondly look back on Texas as that place they have to fly over to get to California. [Politico]

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It's the night before the two-night Democratic primary debate extravaganza, and we're already tired. Turns out having 20 candidates spread across two nights when only six or eight of them matter is not the must-see TV we all thought it was going to be! But that's not to dissuade you from getting excited! We're excited! We're so excited! We're so ...

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SCARED!

In case you need a reminder, here is how it's going to go down:

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Lately he's been blowing smoke from another orifice.

After a cursory examination of the TWELVE filings in the case against California Congressman Duncan Hunter just in the past 24 hours, we can confidently declare that that guy is a fucking idiot. The prosecutors have him by every last one of his short and curlies -- which is what happens when you use your campaign credit card to pay for hundreds of thousands of dollars of ski trips, video games, tuition, and plane tickets for the family rabbit.

A rational human being would have pleaded down a year ago and given up his congressional seat, since he could cash out and make a lot more money as a lobbyist anyway. But not Duncan Hunter! He made the federal government chase him down and document every last carton of cigarettes, round of tequila, and Uber ride of shame home from his many girlfriends' houses in a 60-count indictment filed last August. And still this dumb sumbitch refused to admit he was caught, even after his lovely wife (and co-conspirator) Margaret Hunter flipped on him this month -- which is what happens when you use your campaign credit card to carry on multiple affairs and you piss off the US Attorneys enough that they put every 7 a.m. Uber ride in your indictment.

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