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Statement: Newt Gingrich Prepares To Declare Himself President

News

A statement from the Newt Gingrich presidential campaign, maybe:

While Rick Santorum waited, fundamentally, much too long to exit this race for the nomination, we at the Newt Gingrich campaign would boldly like to thank him for today's self-ouster. This beleagured nation may now proceed with the serious issues of statesmanship. Newt will move into the White House at 8 a.m. tomorrow morning.

You did not have the seriousness, or the grandiosity, or the big ideas to become President of the United States, Rick. You would have let schoolchildren go to classes instead of clean toilets all day, at your home schools. This is not serious; it is a small idea.

This is because you are not intelligent, Rick. Newt Gingrich, the rightful heir to the Julio-Claudian imperial dynasty, is intelligent by any empirical, observational, or supernatural measure. He has lectured on Histories at West Georgia College. No one else has ever done this.

So perhaps you, the ignoramus, cannot be judged -- entirely -- certainly some, but not entirely -- for wasting the American people's time for so many, many, fundamentally, many, months, and refusing to give way to the eventual Newt Gingrich royal coronation in Tampa, Florida. You did not have the mental ability to comprehend the massive failure that is yourself.

Enjoy the remaining years of your philistine life, Rick. It is now time for Newt, Newt Gingrich, to accept the Republican party's presidential nomination and defeat Barack Obama 100% to 0 % in the most important election in the history of time. It is simple math. Well, perhaps not for Rick Santorum.

It is simple math.

Dismissive regards,

The Newt Gingrich Campaign for Civilization of the Galaxy

P.S. We will do anything for a hot meal.

Not that we can't afford one ourselves.

It was their fault.

[Newt 2012]

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Poor People Are Mad As Hell, And They're Not Going to Take It Anymore.

The Poor People's Campaign marched on Washington, and we were there!

Culture Wars
by Dominic Gwinn

Yesterday the new Poor People's Campaign, led by Rev. William Barber and Rev. Dr. Liz Theoharis, concluded 40 days of protest and civil disobedience with a rally on the National Mall. Building off of Rev. Martin Luther King Jr's original Poor People's Campaign 50 years ago, the new campaign is aimed at uniting labor leaders with activists to build a coalition of all marginalized people

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The police have clearly failed to stop the scourge of black kids selling water to thirsty people, so your average law-abiding, permit-respecting white lady has no choice but to take matters into her own (did we mention they were white?) hands. You might call her a busybody gone power mad or a simple tool of racist micoaggression, but we just call her "Permit Patty."

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