Statement: Newt Gingrich Prepares To Declare Himself President


A statement from the Newt Gingrich presidential campaign, maybe:

While Rick Santorum waited, fundamentally, much too long to exit this race for the nomination, we at the Newt Gingrich campaign would boldly like to thank him for today's self-ouster. This beleagured nation may now proceed with the serious issues of statesmanship. Newt will move into the White House at 8 a.m. tomorrow morning.

You did not have the seriousness, or the grandiosity, or the big ideas to become President of the United States, Rick. You would have let schoolchildren go to classes instead of clean toilets all day, at your home schools. This is not serious; it is a small idea.

This is because you are not intelligent, Rick. Newt Gingrich, the rightful heir to the Julio-Claudian imperial dynasty, is intelligent by any empirical, observational, or supernatural measure. He has lectured on Histories at West Georgia College. No one else has ever done this.

So perhaps you, the ignoramus, cannot be judged -- entirely -- certainly some, but not entirely -- for wasting the American people's time for so many, many, fundamentally, many, months, and refusing to give way to the eventual Newt Gingrich royal coronation in Tampa, Florida. You did not have the mental ability to comprehend the massive failure that is yourself.

Enjoy the remaining years of your philistine life, Rick. It is now time for Newt, Newt Gingrich, to accept the Republican party's presidential nomination and defeat Barack Obama 100% to 0 % in the most important election in the history of time. It is simple math. Well, perhaps not for Rick Santorum.

It is simple math.

Dismissive regards,

The Newt Gingrich Campaign for Civilization of the Galaxy

P.S. We will do anything for a hot meal.

Not that we can't afford one ourselves.

It was their fault.

[Newt 2012]

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