Steven Seagal Will Not Be Your Hero Lawman Sheriff Governor, Arizona

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Shhh. I’m speaking from deep down inside my underground Arizona bunker where I’m hiding in case Steven Seagal makes good on his threat to run for governor or drive female chain-gang banger Shurf Joe Arpaio’s tank into my front door and kill my puppy and rooster.

The media was all aflutter yesterday with pants-on-fire headlines about Steven Seagal “mulling” a run for Arizona governor. Except it was all a fat lie: all he said was that he had talked with Shurf Joe, America’s Most Expensive Sheriff, about running for office and it was “kind of a joke” and “I suppose I would remotely consider it but probably would have, uh, a lot more other responsibil-hi-hizz, um, other responsibilities that may be more important to address.”

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