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Elections

Super-Speaker Paul Ryan Says Soulful Goodbye To House, Just Kidding, He Sux

Counting votes, how does it work? Paul Ryan ain't know!

Outgoing House Speaker Paul Ryan said his goodbyes to Congress today after spending 20 years working tirelessly to steal from the poor and give to the estate of Ayn Rand. During a speech on the House floor, the soulless Men's Wearhouse model expressed gratitude to the people of Wisconsin's 1st District for always coming second to his billionaire donors. Ryan's tenure is only notable for the degree to which he buckled under completely to Donald Trump while making sad-eyed-doe faces about how hard it was to be blamed for buckling under completely to Donald Trump, so it's only fitting that he also took some time today to engage in the president's favorite pastime: making baseless accusations of voter fraud.

Before retiring to go hunt elderly Social Security recipients he's trapped on a private island, Ryan gave an interview with the Washington Post Live where he commented on the curb stomping Democrats delivered to Republicans in California. It was basically a slow-motion electoral poisoning, with one GOP representative after another clutching their throats and falling to the floor in a twitching heap. However, Inspector Ryan has examined the scene, sniffed a few wine glasses, and suspects ... foul play!

Considering his tenure as speaker, we see why he has trouble with the concept of "counting" "votes."

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Russia

Larry Klayman To Sue Robert Mueller For Jerome Corsi, So Wonkette Can Die Happy! :D

Superlawyer Larry Klayman here to melt all your troubles into worse troubles.

Earlier today, the inimitable Five Dollar Feminist splained at you about Jerome Corsi, and his world full of hurt. But Trump's pal "Jerry" isn't taking his legal troubles lying down! No, he has hired the world's greatest superlawyer, Larry Klayman, to sue the shit out of Bobby Mueller, for reasons. Check it!

Oh baby, right there. RIGHT THERE. AoooooooooOOOOOOHHHHHHHH!

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Culture

Quit Yer Whining! Liberals Did Better In Mississippi Than You Think!

Mike Espy pushed his state further toward actual democracy.

Racist lynch humorist Cindy Hyde Smith won, as expected, Mississippi's US Senate runoff yesterday against Democrat Mike Espy. Yeah, I know I promised I wasn't writing anything else about Senator Skeletor, but why are you keeping track of what I say? Stop stalking me.

Hyde Smith's margin of victory was relatively narrow (54 percent to Espy's 46 percent) for a deep-red state that Donald Trump carried by almost 20 points. It seemed no poll tax was too steep to keep black people from the ballot box, even if we did come up short. And we made Republicans spend money -- real US dollars not Confederate trumpaloos -- on an election in Mississippi. As Richard III said, "If not to heaven, then hand in hand to hell." That's what a resistance looks like. Make them sweat and fight for every win. Stacey Abrams's "defeat" in Georgia is not a total loss when it registers new voters and exposes the depths of Republican corruption.

The Mississippi special election exposed to the world the state's longstanding racial dynamics. Sunlight is an excellent disinfectant, but like a frat boy's bathroom, one thorough scrubbing isn't enough to fully sanitize Mississippi's politics.

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Elections

NY Times Writes Democrats' Midterms Obit, Apparently Hasn't Read NY Times Since Election Night

The Gray Lady is a doddering fool.

The New York Times is in many ways your typical godless commie rag, as evidenced by its "peas in guacamole" recipes, but in all the ways that actually matter, like its political coverage, it enjoys regularly knocking Democrats like the stereotypical sitcom mother-in-law who will always find something to criticize about her son's wife.

Saturday, Utah's Mia Love officially left for that separate-but-equal black Republican rest home in the sky. This brought Democratic gains in the House to 39 seats. Also on Saturday, the Times ran the latest in its "Democrats in disarray" series that no one demanded. The Twitter headline alone is such potent stupidity you shouldn't operate heavy machinery after reading it: "After painful losses, Democrats in the South face a dilemma: Appeals to progressives cost them the rural white voters who often decide elections."

Painful losses? Really? This is like calling my failed audition for Killmonger in Black Panther a "painful loss." I got to say "Hey, Auntie" to Angela Bassett before security showed up. Overall, I consider it a win. Yes, Stacey Abrams "lost" the governor's race in Georgia, and Beto O'Rourke and Andrew Gillum failed to win in Texas and Florida, where voter suppression was not as overt and repulsive as in the peach state. (Hey, geniuses at the Times, maybe you should write about that!) But Abrams and O'Rourke also performed better than any Democrat had in decades. Hell, in Texas, Republican Senator Kay Bailey Hutchinson regularly murdered her opponents for almost two decades. Democrats stopped considering these Senate races elections and treated them more like Shirley Jackson's "The Lottery." They were begging not to run: "Please don't make me! I won't break 40 percent. I have kids!"

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Elections

Marcia Fudge Melts Before Hot Fire of Nancy Pelosi's Gavel Of Doom

#FiveWhiteGuys are losing-est losers of all.

You've probably seen at least one of the many movies or TV shows where a group of young jerks tries to oust a perfectly qualified executive just because they're old. Democrats Seth Moulton, Tim Ryan, and some other goofy white boys are apparently too stupid to understand they're the heavies in this flick. Now we've entered the climax of the story where they meet their much-deserved comeuppance.

The #FiveWhiteGuys have tried for no reason to block Nancy Pelosi from a return engagement as speaker of the House. Pelosi just led House Democrats to their greatest electoral victory since Watergate, but because Pelosi has been able to vote since Watergate, these fools thought it was time for her to step down and let white men run things for a change. Sensitive to the optics of replacing the first woman speaker, Ryan stressed that there were some other "really competent females" (no, really) who could do the job. So, they flipped through their binder filled with "competent females" and came up with the competent-est one, Marcia Fudge from Ohio's 11th district. Fudge is not just "really competent" but she's younger and blacker than Pelosi.

Now, Marcia Fudge was never going to be speaker, because no one's ever heard of her. Not me. Not you. Not even members of the sister's own household. I bet Fudge was reading the news and thinking, "Who the hell is this Marcia Fudge people say is gonna challenge Nancy Pelosi? She'd have to be crazy."

But Fudge also made some good points that Democratic leadership was really white and didn't fully reflect the voters who put Democrats in power. Black women in particular are the most prominent and reliable Democratic voting bloc.

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Stolen Elections

Stacey Abrams Did NOT Concede, She Never Lost, She Was Cheated

Stacey Abrams Is The Evolution Of Our Struggle

"This is not a concession speech."

Stacey Abrams, who served as minority leader of the Georgia House of Representatives from 2011 to 2017, is a living revolution wrapped up inside the package of a fierce, intelligent, and independent confederate flag burning black woman. At times, it has been said that surviving as a Black woman in the United States is a revolutionary act in and of itself. Revolutions are not won on just one battlefield, or at one time. Some revolutions are like a gentle breeze upon the sea, a breeze that builds waves, waves that roll and build into tsunamis; eventually those tsunamis break the levees of oppression, washing away old powers to make room for new coalitions.

But the levees of Georgia unfortunately held, and it took every underhanded, scandalous, unfair, sneaky, dirty, rotten trick to ensure they held. The levees of white dominance held this time... but its foundations are crumbling.

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