Supreme Court May Decide If You Can Heart Boobies
Damn kids these days, with their rock 'n roll devil music and their whip-its (wait, is that still a thing?), andtheir bracelets to raise awareness about breast cancer.
The court battle between two girls and their Pennsylvania school over “I (heart) Boobies!” bracelets could be settled by the U.S. Supreme Court.
The Easton Area School District board voted 7-1 Tuesday night to appeal a federal appeals court’s decision that rejected its claim the bracelets are lewd and should be banned from school.
This seems like a perfectly reasonable policy, doesn't it? School is no place for boobie-hearting, after all. Clearly, they are just trying to turn school into some kind of "hyper-sexualized environment," as the school district solicitor John Freund said, and could not possibly have any other legitimate reason for talking about boobies. Except for maybe this reason.
The students, Brianna Hawk and Kayla Martinez, said they merely hoped to promote awareness of the disease at their middle school. They filed suit when they were suspended for defying the ban on their school’s Breast Cancer Awareness Day.
Oh, pfft. Breasts are de facto sexytime parts, even when they're all cancer-ridden, so clearly this sorry excuse of wanting to recognize Boobie Cancer Day is nothing more than a sinister attempt to turn this fine, otherwise boobie-free school into a sex-crazed institution of hyper-sexualized underage sexytime sexiness. And even though the courts have told the Easton Area School District -- like, a thousand times -- that no, those boobie bracelets are not lewd and disruptive and Jesus Christ, let these girls do their do-goody do-goodyness, the school district is damned sure those girls are really up to no good so they will continue to fight to keep that super-sexy boobie cancer thing out of their schools. For the kids.
We sure do hope the Supreme Court does take up this case. We figure these girls will have at least one Supreme Court justice on their side, because after all, if Clarence Thomas hearts pubes on his Coke can, you gotta figure he probably hearts boobies too.