this fucker right here

Hooray, it's time for updates on Devin Nunes's Goddamned Fucking Full-Of-Shit Lie Memo about how the FBI and DOJ are unfairly #BIASSSSSSSS against Donald Trump, who in Nunes's bright eyes is innocent of all crimes, was born of the Virgin Mary, was crucified, dead and buried, who sitteth at the right hand of God the Father Almighty, and also too he has a real sexy peen that looks like a croissant, according to Devin Nunes's firsthand knowledge ALLEGEDLY.

When we last left this story (eight minutes ago?), the GOP-led House Intelligence Committee had voted, "Yes, we will release a bunch of lies that nevertheless manages to divulge highly classified information to the American public while also being a lie, because FUCK YOU, America!" The White House said, "100%!" and that Trump would read the memo and see if he agrees (yes) that the memo should (yes) be released (yes) to the public (OH GOD YES!). Meanwhile, the FBI and the DOJ are both loudly saying "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU TRAITOROUS FUCKING ASSWHISTLES?"

According to CNN, Trump is pretty sure the memo will VINDICATE him, because he has for sure read it, according to the White House. Donald Trump, after all, cannot get enough of a good document!

But wait! Is there a snag here? Did MENSA Boy Devin Nunes fuck something up again, due to how he's so dumb? Tell us, Adam Schiff:

Oh for Christ's sake.

You don't need to read the whole letter, but Schiff in essence says, "LOL YOU IDIOT! You made a bunch of substantive changes to the memo after we voted on it, so actually the memo you gave the White House is something we didn't vote on releasing, which would seem like a bit of a setback for you, DEVIN. Why did you do that, DEVIN? Is it because you are incompetent and also dumb, DEVIN? LOL rhetorical question, don't bother replying, DEVIN."

Nunes did respond, though, saying, "Nuh uh! All's I did was fix the their/there/they're mistakes, because I am bad at those, and also the your/you're/Eeyore mistakes. I think I got them all? ANYWAY, YOUR THE DUMB ONE, ADAM SCHIFF! SO THEIR!" (That is a paraphrase. OR IS IT?)

So, will Nunes accept Schiff's challenge to a duel at high noon request to vote on releasing the new amended memo this coming Monday, and oh by the way, that would be a good time to vote on the Democratic memo, so they can come out same timesies? Who knows, but whichever is the good and right and correct course of action, the one that respects the rule of law, Nunes and Trump will do the opposite.

Wednesday afternoon, the House Intelligence Committee posted the transcript of its closed-door hearing on Monday, where the committee voted to release a completely different document from the one Devin Nunes gave to the White House apparently. Oh BOY it is a good read! And OH MY STARS it is amazing to watch Devin Nunes just flagrantly act like a traitor, even in the face of his own colleagues saying, "Bro! Bro! You're not doing 'America' very good right now! Bro!" Also we love the part where Nunes cannot seem to give a straight answer with a straight face to the question, "Did you and the White House write this together? Because we all know you fucking LOVE doing the White House's grunt work, maybe because you are being blackmailed by Trump's bosses at the Kremlin."

Early in the session, Adam Schiff pointed out that, according to the DOJ, the FBI, and also everyone else, releasing this classified memo full of bullshit lies and fake news would be "extraordinarily reckless," adding that the only two people in the room who had actually read the underlying intelligence Nunes and his jackwads based their memo on were Schiff himself and GOP Rep. Trey Gowdy (who curiously chose this week to announce his retirement, HUH).

Schiff also made a motion to have the FBI come in and actually brief the House of Representatives on what's in the dumb Nunes memo, and also in the Democratic memo that outlines in detail why the Nunes memo is full of shit. Schiff noted that he had spoken to FBI Director Christopher Wray, who would really like to brief the committee on why the Nunes memo is fucked up and bad.


OK, nobody actually got murdered, but that is definitely when Devin Nunes decided to start being a little shit. Here's where he reveals that actually the Republicans on the committee are doing their own investigation into the FBI/DOJ, therefore the FBI doesn't GET to brief the committee, those are the rules according to Devin Nunes, who pulled the rules out of his butt just now:

Good god, DEVIN! If little boy thinks he's gonna take shots at the FBI like this, he'd best not miss. That is all we are saying.

Here is the part where Nunes is unwilling/unable to honestly answer Democratic member Mike Quigley's question, "Did you write this memo at the White House with your White House friends you like to conspire with all the time?" Quigley asks this question "WITH THE GREATEST RESPECT," and also probably with a smirk on his face:


Adam Schiff comments on how far up Trump's ass Devin Nunes obviously is, which is a shame, considering how Trump doesn't love America or its institutions:

But if DOJ and FBI have a chance to point out all of Devin Nunes's lies, that's not fair, because then everybody will know Devin Nunes is a big full-of-shit liar.


All the other Democratic committee added their voices to the chorus, each in their own way, noting that, you know, it's REALLY FUCKED UP that they are even talking about this, as it will damage the relationship between Congress and law enforcement for decades to come. Here is what Eric Swalwell said:

He is just saying. They are all just saying. Everybody with a fucking brain is just saying. Especially since, again, the only two people in the room who have seen the underlying intelligence are Adam Schiff and Trey Gowdy, and NOT DEVIN NUNES.

Finally, after Schiff made fun of the Republicans for how TRANSPARENTLY OBVIOUS their political strategy (of lying to the American people) is -- and how hilarious it is that these are the same people who spent years crying about "but her emails!" -- Mike Quigley finished by calling the GOP a bunch of CHICAGO-STYLE POLITICKERS:

Love the dig at the end about how the entire committee is being forced into a non-consensual relationship with Donald Trump, because of the commitment he and Nunes have made to each other.

And Quigley is right: This is extraordinary. Abso-fucking-lutely extraordinary.

Anyway, we will give you a new post in a few minutes/hours/days/seconds when the White House decides to take a shit all over national security and #ReleaseTheMemo.

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[House Intel Committee transcript]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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