Stephanie Grisham has requested that we report today's Cabinet meeting accurately.
White House comms director Stephanie Grisham would like everyone's attention, please:
NO FAKE NEWSIN', says Stephanie Grisham, who may or may not know where her car is right now.
But sure, what the hell, we will be honest with you about what happened when Donald Trump let journalists into his Cabinet meeting today, and the honest truth is that he was honestly bugfuck and we are honestly worried about his leaking brain even more than usual.
Thoughts 'n' prayers for the president, y'all.
Nancy Pelosi is probably taking a break from praying for Donald Trump's brain at the moment, while she instead prays about something that matters, namely the death of Elijah Cummings and the family and legacy he left behind. But at some point, we assume she's going to have to go back to praying for Donald Trump's brain, after the full-body temper tantrum and mental breakdown he had in her presence in the White House yesterday. It's pictured above.
She always prays for Donald Trump, and we are pretty sure she blesses his heart, and it is a wonder that woman represents San Francisco, because she prays for people and blesses their hearts like she was from Atlanta.
The meeting was supposed to be about Syria. Instead, Pelosi and Steny Hoyer came out of the White House to regretfully inform the American people that the president is expressing his anal glands again.
It would have been better if she had 'boycotted' after all.
Last night's Democratic debate probably didn't change much. Elizabeth Warren is now clearly the frontrunner, and her fellow candidates are treating her as such. Kamala Harris had some strong moments, as did Amy Klobuchar. Bernie looked and sounded good, which probably assuaged some concerns about his age and health, though those questions will come up again, not just for him but also for Joe Biden, as the men would be 79 and 78 at the time of their inaugurations, if elected.
The candidates yelled the same talking points at each other about Medicare For All as they've yelled in previous debates. They answered who their most unexpected weird friend is, like Ellen and Dubya, and half of them said Dead John McCain. It was whatever.
But Pete Buttigieg had a really really good night, easily his best out of all the debates so far. (HOOBOY do other Wonkettes, and the editrix, disagree!) And Tulsi Gabbard, who had threatened to boycott the debate because the DNC was #rigging it against her by causing her to have a bad campaign nobody wants to support, had a really really bad night.
The nexus of those two things made for perhaps the most interesting moment of the night, when Gabbard decided to spit out a bunch of verifiable lies about what Donald Trump has done to Syria, somehow managing to bolster the positions of both Trump and (surprise!) Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad. Pete Buttigieg, as the other person with military service on the stage, was not about to put up with that horseshit.
It's your Sunday Show Rundown.
Between Donald Trump giving Turkey the go-ahead to invade Northern Syria and Rudy Giuliani and his League of Extraordinary Dipshits, it's been a really long week marked by a total lack of integrity.
Let's begin with a returning guest to this column but in a different format: Kellyanne Conway, appearing with her trademark dishonesty on Maria Bartiromos' Fox News safe space, "Sunday Morning Futures." Conway attacked Joe Biden for his son's foreign business ties after Hunter Biden announced (belated!) plans to step down from the board of a Chinese private equity firm:
CONWAY: Yes, well, he should have done this quite a while ago. In fact, he probably shouldn't have been on the board to begin with. He hitched a ride on Air Force Two with the vice president of the United States, also his father at that time, came back with sweetheart deals, and I am really disappointed in so many members of the mainstream media stretching their necks to defend Hunter Biden, saying -- and we must say that there's no -- there's no wrongdoing here, nothing illegal. […] This is a part of how Donald Trump won in the first place, saying that we're going to get rid of these sweetheart deals, we're going to make sure that we clean up the -- the axis of power in a place like Washington, D.C., where someone like Hunter Biden can get a $50,000 a month retainer for a Ukrainian energy company when everybody knows that he doesn't have that skill set.
Conway also decided to preview the next set of attacks against Elizabeth Warren (and the Democratic Party) if Biden continues falling in the polls:
CONWAY: I do think it's funny that in a party that says "we're woke" and "we're going to be transformational," they're not backing the African-American woman, they're not backing the African-American man, they're not - - they're not backing the gay man, the mayor, you know? We're going to have people who are different as our -- they could do that. Those are Democratic primary voters, and they've got the -- the three white people at the top of the polls.
Now the level of dishonesty and lack of self-awareness form Conway is astonishing. From Ivanka's Chinese trademarks to Don Jr. and Eric gallivanting through foreign countries for deals to Jared Kushner's unqualified ass being in charge of Middle East peace to Trump himself having foreign leaders at his resorts (not to mention his towers in Turkey, which are causing some questions right now), Conway's charge of nepotism and the impropriety is laughable. The idea that the most discriminatory and least diverse administration would lecture Dems on diversity or race is mind-boggling. Take a look: