Syria

Trump Pardons Turkey

It's a great time to be a dictator.

Donald Trump congratulated himself Wednesday on his great success in northern Syria, announcing that all sanctions on Turkey would be lifted because a Russian-Turkish agreement means there'll be no more fighting in the area, at least none that the US will care about. Russia and Turkey reached an agreement earlier this week to jointly patrol the "safe zone" Turkey declared in order to drive out Kurdish militia fighters in the area. The Kurds had been the US's allies in fighting ISIS, but since Turkey considers them terrorists, Trump pulled out US troops so Turkey could wipe them out, following a call earlier this month with Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan.

In an announcement at the White House, Trump took credit for his brilliance in abandoning any US role in the region, because what could possibly go wrong? The Great Man announced,

Turkey, Syria and all forms of the Kurds have been fighting for centuries[...] We have done them a great service and we've done a great job for all of them. And now, we're getting out. Let someone else fight over this long-bloodstained sand.

This conveniently leaves out any possibility that he might bear any responsibility for the chaos that may come next, because they're always fighting anyway. He said Turkey had assured him it will now make its earlier ceasefire (a term Turkey rejected) permanent, although he added that the word "permanent" is "questionable" in the Middle East, because those people are all crazy savages over there, amiright?

The most important thing is that the oil is safe, OK? It's ours, even if it's technically under other people's soil. This time we're gonna take the oil, you bet.

Trump's claim about US involvement in Syria -- "We were supposed to be there for 30 days. That was almost 10 years ago" -- is completely made up; the "30 days" part was just pulled straight out of his Big Mac exit, and the first deployment of US special forces to Syria was in 2015. But we'll admit, time has been working strangely since January 20, 2017.

As for whose blood might be staining the sand, whatever, as long as it's not Americans', you know? Oh, yes, and while we're at it, the Kurdish regions of Syria, Turkey, and Iraq are mountainous. Not a dune to be seen, except in Trump's head, where everyone in the area is a gibbering sword-waving Ay-rab from an old Bugs Bunny cartoon.

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Trump

Trump: DURRRRRRRRR ADAM SCHIFF WHISTLEBLOWER PHONY EMOLUMENTS OBAMA NETFLIX? OBAMA NETFLIX?!?!?!

Stephanie Grisham has requested that we report today's Cabinet meeting accurately.

White House comms director Stephanie Grisham would like everyone's attention, please:

NO FAKE NEWSIN', says Stephanie Grisham, who may or may not know where her car is right now.

But sure, what the hell, we will be honest with you about what happened when Donald Trump let journalists into his Cabinet meeting today, and the honest truth is that he was honestly bugfuck and we are honestly worried about his leaking brain even more than usual.

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News

Nancy Pelosi Blesses Trump's Heart, As His Brain Is Unavailable For Blessing

Thoughts 'n' prayers for the president, y'all.

Nancy Pelosi is probably taking a break from praying for Donald Trump's brain at the moment, while she instead prays about something that matters, namely the death of Elijah Cummings and the family and legacy he left behind. But at some point, we assume she's going to have to go back to praying for Donald Trump's brain, after the full-body temper tantrum and mental breakdown he had in her presence in the White House yesterday. It's pictured above.

She always prays for Donald Trump, and we are pretty sure she blesses his heart, and it is a wonder that woman represents San Francisco, because she prays for people and blesses their hearts like she was from Atlanta.

The meeting was supposed to be about Syria. Instead, Pelosi and Steny Hoyer came out of the White House to regretfully inform the American people that the president is expressing his anal glands again.

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Syria

Tulsi Gabbard Brings Friend To Debate, Oh F*ck, It's Assad!

It would have been better if she had 'boycotted' after all.

Last night's Democratic debate probably didn't change much. Elizabeth Warren is now clearly the frontrunner, and her fellow candidates are treating her as such. Kamala Harris had some strong moments, as did Amy Klobuchar. Bernie looked and sounded good, which probably assuaged some concerns about his age and health, though those questions will come up again, not just for him but also for Joe Biden, as the men would be 79 and 78 at the time of their inaugurations, if elected.

The candidates yelled the same talking points at each other about Medicare For All as they've yelled in previous debates. They answered who their most unexpected weird friend is, like Ellen and Dubya, and half of them said Dead John McCain. It was whatever.

But Pete Buttigieg had a really really good night, easily his best out of all the debates so far. (HOOBOY do other Wonkettes, and the editrix, disagree!) And Tulsi Gabbard, who had threatened to boycott the debate because the DNC was #rigging it against her by causing her to have a bad campaign nobody wants to support, had a really really bad night.

The nexus of those two things made for perhaps the most interesting moment of the night, when Gabbard decided to spit out a bunch of verifiable lies about what Donald Trump has done to Syria, somehow managing to bolster the positions of both Trump and (surprise!) Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad. Pete Buttigieg, as the other person with military service on the stage, was not about to put up with that horseshit.

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