Military

Donald Trump Blabbed Military Secrets Again? That Can't Be Right!

You can't expect him to sit on cool details, because they're so cool!

When Donald Trump was just a few minutes into his self-aggrandizing announcement about the killing of Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, Yr Dok Zoom wondered a thing on Twitter:

Now, we're not claiming any kind of special insight for wondering that, since Trump's tendency to blurt out information any time he think it makes him seem important has worried the intelligence community from the start of his maladministration, and he lived down to those expectations when he revealed classified information to visiting Russian officials the day after he fired James Comey.

And now we know: Trump revealed some secrets during his presser -- nothing that's likely to get anyone killed, probably, but details of the operation that made military and intelligence officials "cringe," according to NBC News. At the very least, some of the operational details Trump spiced up his narrative with could make future intelligence gathering and operations more difficult, because now the bad guys know just a little more about what the US knows and how the US knows it. But those so-called "experts" are missing the big picture: Any harm Trump may have caused for future operations is more than offset by the irrefutable fact that relaying classified details made the presser a lot more exciting! Besides, as NBC notes, presidents have the power to declassify anything, so Trump could stand on Fifth Avenue and shout the names of covert operatives with legal impunity.

And besides, since Trump has already burned America's most important allies in the region, the Syrian Kurds, and plans to completely let Russia and Turkey dominate the region anyway, Trump doesn't need to worry about spoiling future operations. There simply won't be any, you see, and America will just ignore the Middle East altogether, except for automatically supporting our great friend Israel (or at least the Likkud party). The man is a strategic genius, and there will never be any more terrorism ever.

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Syria

Trump Pardons Turkey

It's a great time to be a dictator.

Donald Trump congratulated himself Wednesday on his great success in northern Syria, announcing that all sanctions on Turkey would be lifted because a Russian-Turkish agreement means there'll be no more fighting in the area, at least none that the US will care about. Russia and Turkey reached an agreement earlier this week to jointly patrol the "safe zone" Turkey declared in order to drive out Kurdish militia fighters in the area. The Kurds had been the US's allies in fighting ISIS, but since Turkey considers them terrorists, Trump pulled out US troops so Turkey could wipe them out, following a call earlier this month with Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan.

In an announcement at the White House, Trump took credit for his brilliance in abandoning any US role in the region, because what could possibly go wrong? The Great Man announced,

Turkey, Syria and all forms of the Kurds have been fighting for centuries[...] We have done them a great service and we've done a great job for all of them. And now, we're getting out. Let someone else fight over this long-bloodstained sand.

This conveniently leaves out any possibility that he might bear any responsibility for the chaos that may come next, because they're always fighting anyway. He said Turkey had assured him it will now make its earlier ceasefire (a term Turkey rejected) permanent, although he added that the word "permanent" is "questionable" in the Middle East, because those people are all crazy savages over there, amiright?

The most important thing is that the oil is safe, OK? It's ours, even if it's technically under other people's soil. This time we're gonna take the oil, you bet.

Trump's claim about US involvement in Syria -- "We were supposed to be there for 30 days. That was almost 10 years ago" -- is completely made up; the "30 days" part was just pulled straight out of his Big Mac exit, and the first deployment of US special forces to Syria was in 2015. But we'll admit, time has been working strangely since January 20, 2017.

As for whose blood might be staining the sand, whatever, as long as it's not Americans', you know? Oh, yes, and while we're at it, the Kurdish regions of Syria, Turkey, and Iraq are mountainous. Not a dune to be seen, except in Trump's head, where everyone in the area is a gibbering sword-waving Ay-rab from an old Bugs Bunny cartoon.

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Trump

Trump: DURRRRRRRRR ADAM SCHIFF WHISTLEBLOWER PHONY EMOLUMENTS OBAMA NETFLIX? OBAMA NETFLIX?!?!?!

Stephanie Grisham has requested that we report today's Cabinet meeting accurately.

White House comms director Stephanie Grisham would like everyone's attention, please:

NO FAKE NEWSIN', says Stephanie Grisham, who may or may not know where her car is right now.

But sure, what the hell, we will be honest with you about what happened when Donald Trump let journalists into his Cabinet meeting today, and the honest truth is that he was honestly bugfuck and we are honestly worried about his leaking brain even more than usual.

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News

Nancy Pelosi Blesses Trump's Heart, As His Brain Is Unavailable For Blessing

Thoughts 'n' prayers for the president, y'all.

Nancy Pelosi is probably taking a break from praying for Donald Trump's brain at the moment, while she instead prays about something that matters, namely the death of Elijah Cummings and the family and legacy he left behind. But at some point, we assume she's going to have to go back to praying for Donald Trump's brain, after the full-body temper tantrum and mental breakdown he had in her presence in the White House yesterday. It's pictured above.

She always prays for Donald Trump, and we are pretty sure she blesses his heart, and it is a wonder that woman represents San Francisco, because she prays for people and blesses their hearts like she was from Atlanta.

The meeting was supposed to be about Syria. Instead, Pelosi and Steny Hoyer came out of the White House to regretfully inform the American people that the president is expressing his anal glands again.

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