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WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TODAY? OMG WE HAVE NO IDEA! Should we distract ourselves from the Kavanaugh/Rosenstein/UN Fiascopalooza with these polling funtimes?

Yes, we should. So, let's talk about governor's races, which are just as important as Congress. Because, assuming democracy survives Donald Trump, 2020 will be a census year. After which we'll redraw congressional districts nationwide. And the only way out of this nightmare is to un-ratfuck the maps so that Republicans can't steal all the House seats. So we need to start taking back those statehouses, STAT!

Luckily, we've nominated some really great candidates. Also luckily, the GOP is not sending their best. They're sending their racists. They're sending their morons. They're sending their gun-toting nationalists. And some, we assume, are good people. (No, not really.)


First up, GEORGIA!

Former Georgia House Minority Leader Stacey Abrams is running neck and neck with Secretary of State Brian Kemp. You'll recall that the Georgia GOP begged Trump not to endorse Kemp in the runoff, but President ADD's last second tweet pushed Kemp over the edge. So now they're stuck with this idiot.

Which is why the Atlanta Journal Constitution had the race tied in Georgia three weeks ago, and Abrams's own internal polling now shows her ahead.

WOMP WOMP.

Movin' on to IOWA!

Is it THE LAW that all lady politicians in Iowa have the same haircut? Is there only one hairstylist in the whole state? It's a mystery.

upload.wikimedia.org

What is clear is that Iowa's sitting governor -- Kim Reynolds, who took over for Terry Branstad (and who is NOT Joni Ernst) -- is losing ground to Democratic businessman Fred Hubbell. The Des Moines Register gives Hubbell a two-point lead on the GOP incumbent.

This is the second poll in a month that shows Hubbell in the lead, so ... GO, HAWKEYES!

FLORIDA Man is ... okay, actually!

We admit it, on election night when Andrew Gillum won the primary, our hearts sank. [FDF is speaking for FDF.] Would Florida really elect an African American governor? But turns out Trump pal Ron "Sinus Infection" DeSantis can't go a day without stepping on his own racist wiener.

Via RCP

The latest University of North Florida poll showing a four-point lead for Gillum makes six consecutive polls with Gillum up. Did Trump endorse DeSantis, saddling the Florida GOP with a weaker candidate, just like in Georgia? Ayup. Well played, Poppy!

And let's bring it on home with ... KANSAS???

Once again, Trump's handpicked guy is throwing away a race which should be a slam dunk. Kansas Secretary of State Kris Kobach is polling just ONE POINT AHEAD of state Senator Laura Kelly in a state Trump took by 20 points in 2016.

Via RCP

Former Republican Governor Bill Graves endorsed Kelly to right Kansas's ship after Sam Brownback's disastrous tenure, and former Republican Senator Nancy Kassebaum is throwing her weight behind Kelly as well.

But never fear, because Kobach has A PLAN.

Yes, nothing says FIGHTIN' FOR THE LITTLE GUY like a $15,000 per person fundraiser in the style of actual European aristocrats in a state facing devastating budget cuts. Shine on Kris Kobach, you crazy, crazy diamond!

Blue wave, y'all! Now get your ass out there and VOTE!

[Abrams Internal Polling / Des Moines Register]

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Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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You guys, hi, hello, it is almost the holiday weekend, so we are going to share you a real video posted last night by "Doctor" Sebastian "Don't Call Me A Nazi" Gorka, that hilarious old knucklecuck. We guess now that he had to give up (or gave up voluntarily!) his Fox News contract, he just makes videos for the Twitter. Hoo ... ray?

Anyway, Gorka is super-excited that Donald Trump issued that order last night, giving Bill Barr all kinds of new powers to expose the Deep State for what it is and PROVE once and for all that the gremlins who live inside Trump's diarrhea are correct when they say Hillary ordered the Deep State to do an illegal witch hunt to Trump, yadda yadda yadda, you've seen these people huff paint before, we don't have to type it all.

Here is the video, after which Wonkette will either transcribe it OR we will provide our own dramatic interpretation. Which one will it be? We don't know! Would you be able to tell the difference between the two? We don't know!

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We want to say right here at the outset that we hate Julian Assange. Aside from the sexual assault allegations against him, and aside from the fact that he's just a generally stinky and loathsome person who reportedly smeared poop on the walls at the Ecuadorian embassy in London, while reportedly not taking care of his cat, an innocent creature, he acted as Russia's handmaiden during the 2016 election, in order to further Russia's campaign to steal it for Donald Trump. All signs point to his campaign being a success!

So we are justifiably happy when bad things happen to Julian Assange. We are happy his name is shit the world over, and that any reputation WikiLeaks used to have for being on the side of freedom and transparency has been stuffed down the toilet where it belongs. We are happy he looked like such a sad-ass loser when the Ecuadorian embassy finally kicked him out and he was arrested.

And quite frankly, we were OK with the initial charge against him recently unsealed in the Eastern District of Virginia. If you'll remember, he was charged with trying to help Chelsea Manning hack a password into the Defense Department, which is not what journalists do. Journalists do not drive the get-away car for sources. Journalists do not hold their sources' hair back while they're stealing classified intel. Assange is essentially accused of doing all that.

Now, put all that aside. Because -- and this is key -- journalists do publish secrets they are provided by sources. That's First Amendment, chapter and verse, American as fucking apple pie and fast-food-induced diabetes. And that is what much of the superseding indictment of Assange unsealed yesterday was about. (And nope, it wasn't about anything regarding Assange's ratfucking the 2016 election or Hillary's emails. Why would the Trump Justice Department prosecute anything about that? It's all about the older Chelsea Manning stuff, the stuff the Obama Justice Department considered charging Assange with, but ultimately declined, because of that little thing called the First Amendment.)

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