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Tea Party In Epic Slapfight Over Who Loves Constitution The Mostest

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Small but highly excitable segments of the Wingnutosphere are in high dudgeon over the maybe-treasonous remarks of Rep. Paul "Gosar the Destroyer" Gosar (DDS, R-AZ), who said some very outrageous things at a June 28th online town hall thing hosted by largely unknown Tea Party group "Unite in Action" and posted to the group's YouTube channel over the weekend. Oh god you are totally NOT going to believe the thing he said. It's just so unbelievably traitor-y and freedom-hating! No, really, it's bad. You are probably guessing that maybe Gosar announced plans to sell America's top-secret interdimensional portal technology to Red China, or that he invited the UN to dictate our children's lunch menus, or maybe even that he reminded "Unite In Action" that they were the group that, even during the teabagger heyday of 2010, had tocancel a "National Tea Party Unity Convention" in Las Vegas because nobody would pay to attend it, but no, it is even more shocking: He comes right out and says that defending the Constitution is a losing cause, so why even bother, right? Insane, isn't it? Watch this shocking video where Gosar (here in the form of a large and moving Torg) literally throws the Constitution under an actual bus:


Did you SEE that? He straight up said that, as far as gaining an electoral edge, merely carrying on about how you dry-hump the Constitution more passionately than anyone else is not going to get you very far, because half of Americans don't believe in the Constitution anyway. (And Gosar should know, because he simply loves the Constitution so much that he has to carry a spare terrycloth wipe around with him just to catch all the patriojizz that leaks from him whenever he sees a flag).

It's really rather astonishing what Rep. Gosar has accomplished here: He has made us feel a little bit of sympathy for him, even though he is a Tea Party loon whose 2010 candidacy was endorsed by Sarah Palin, Joe Arpaio and Sheriff Paul "I'm NOT your sweet Babeu" Babeu. Clearly, what our Liberty-frotting hero actually means here is that loving the Constitution 300% is necessary but not sufficient to win in a country where the mass of people do not froth at the mouth at the mention of the Constitution. Even a bunch of Woody-Guthrie lovin' commies like us can tell that this is the point he was fumbling toward with that "We have to have the Constitution, but a plan to get back" bit. The poor doofus simply didn't account for the tendency of his fellow teabaggers to start shouting "TREASON!" whenever they think the Constitution is imperiled, which is, of course, ALL THE FUCKING TIME. We have a friend with a little yappy dog like that, whose batshit crazy barking fits are triggered by the presence of another dog anywhere within a three-parsec radius, because eternal vigilance is the price of owning a squeaky rubber hotdog.

So anyway, where Gosar's remarks were really about elecoral strategy for a fringe political movement, that very fringe political movement has now decided that what he said was that the Constitution "isn't worth fighting for" or that he personally will not fight for the Constitution, or perhaps even that Gosar announced that his own testicles have not descended and so he is a big sissy fairy who doesn't really love America. Never mind Gosar's NRA endorsement or his opposition to abortion even in cases of rape or incest, or even the fact that he's a teabagger and a dentist, just like Orly Taitz. Tea Party America seems to have decided that Paul Gosar is now afraid to even SAY the holy words of the E Plebnista Norkohn Forkohn Perfectunun now, for indeed his tongue would burn with fire if he tried, the dirty traitor.

Now all that's needed to drive the final nail into the coffin of Rep. Gosar's congressional career is to inform Wingnut America that Your Wonkette thinks they've badly misunderstood him, and that we even think he's right, in his peculiar way: most Americans do not rub one out on the altar of the Constitution the way teabaggers do. (Incidentally, for all the accusations of treason against Gosar, the Youtube and blog comments seem to have a pretty vague notion of what treason actually is, which makes sense, given what they understand about the Constitution itself.)

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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Robbin Young. Fair use so we can all see the boob picture she sent to her 12 true loves.

Robbin Young starred in the Roger Moore masterpiece For Your Eyes Only as the seventh female lead, "Girl in Flower Shop." She also starred in a bunch of Playboys, and the DM's of a humble Romanian hacker who stole her heart. But he was not a humble Romanian hacker, he was 12 Russian military intelligence officers in a trench coat. And now Young has shared those DMs and pictures of her buzzies with the Sun, because that's the one that's fookin' classy.

See how she loved! See how Guccifer ghosted her ass! See how she loves him (them) still! See how she was all up in Seth Rich and shit! (We think Young's judgment might not be awesome.) Also she wrote this "erotic poem," and we're going to need you to read it.

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And now it is time for your weekly reminder that in the Trump era, FUCKING APESHIT OUTRAGE WORKS.

On Monday, Donald Trump, the transactional president who for some godforsaken reason sees Vladimir Putin has his one true father, discussed making an Art Of The Deal with Russia that involved letting Robert Mueller interrogate the Russian spies who hacked America in 2016 (with Russian supervision, of course, in Russia) in exchange for sending Putin whichever American citizens hurt Putin's poor fragile butthurt pansy-ass feelings the past several years. One of Putin's targets is Michael McFaul, the former ambassador to Russia, whom Putin just hates. Hillary Clinton isn't on the official list yet, but give it a few weeks.

On Wednesday, Sarah Huckabee Sanders looked at reporters and told them Trump's people were considering the idea, but hadn't decided yet, because it's so hard for the Trump administration to decide how many treasons to do per week.

But hooray! The White House has decided that, after literally every American with a patriotic bone in his or her body said, "THE FUCK YOU SAY," they will not send Americans to Putin's gulag after all. The Washington Post reports:

The White House announced Trump's opposition Thursday as the Senate prepared to vote on a resolution telling the president not to honor Putin's request, which would have exposed former U.S. ambassador Michael McFaul, among others, to Russian questioning.

"It is a proposal that was made in sincerity by President Putin, but President Trump disagrees with it," White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said in a statement.

Oh my fucking Lord, Shuckabee, did you really type that Putin's offer was "sincere," or did Donald grab the statement after you finished with it and add those words in illiterate Sharpie in the margins, along with "DOES NOT MEAN PUTIN IS NOT MY BEST FRIEND" and "NO COLLUSION"?

By the way, that resolution passed the Senate with flying colors:

WOMP WOMP, Trump! Sorry American freedom and democracy stepped all over your dick again! Guarantee it's gonna happen again! Go fuck yourself! Enjoy the 48 Big Macs you have for dinner tonight! Don't talk directly into the soccer ball Putin gave you, 'less you want it to talk back to you in Russian!

OK post over.

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[Washington Post]

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