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That's his "I think I just p'oopsed! myself in my pants" face


Awwww, are all the other Republicans being mean to Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Canada) again and pulling his pigtails and telling him he cannot eat his PB&J at their table in the cafeteria, because what a loser, YOU SUCK, TED? Why yes, indeed, they are doing that. Again:

Ted Cruz can’t even get a protest vote in the Senate anymore.

On Monday night, Cruz’s colleagues ignored his attempt to disrupt Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s efforts to fund the government without attacking Planned Parenthood.

You may recall the last time Cruz tried to hijack the Senate to push his presidential campaign platform of Vote Cruz To Make His Dry-Drunk Daddy The Lord God Our King Of The Supreme Court. Cruz was all butthurt in July because Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was not trying hard enough to defund Planned Parenthood or even issuing idle threats to shut down the government, what a RINO. McConnell, like his run-out-of-town-on-a-rail pal Speaker John Boehner, is aware that his Democratic colleagues will never allow Congress to enact such a bill, and even if the entire Blue Team called in dead on the day of the vote, President Obama would veto the blazing spitballs out of that sucker, SO THERE IS NO FRIGGIN' POINT. (Also, side note, as you know, a huge majority of Americans really do want their taxpayer buckeroos to keep going to Planned Parenthood, please and thank you.)

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More importantly, McConnell vaguely recalls how the 2013 government shutdown was bad news for Republicans, and he's trying to not let that happen again, because BAD NEWS FOR REPUBLICANS, DUH. Plus, like Boehner, he is kinda sick of being bossed around by these uber-conservative newbies who do not understand how Being A Grown-Up Congressperson is supposed to work. (Hahaha, maybe you Republican Party jerkholes shouldn't have sucked on all those teabags, back when you thought those screeching extremists might help institute a permanent Republican majority!)

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In July, when Cruz did not get his way, he had hisself a right hissy fit and called McConnell a stupid dumb-dumb liar, and then Cruz's Republican colleagues -- from his own Republican Party -- spent their weekend calling Cruz a stupid dumb-dumb dick stump and saying shade-throwing words like, "We must ensure that the pernicious trend of turning the Senate floor into a forum for advancing personal ambitions, for promoting political campaigns, or for enhancing fundraising activities comes to a stop." And boy, that was a Sunday funday for everyone who was not Ted Cruz!

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That, however, was not enough for Cruz, so he's still at it. As the self-appointed Patron Saint of Pro-Lifery -- who thinks even the pope is a fake pro-lifer because he doesn't believe in killing people -- does not care that defunding Planned Parenthood is actually UNPOSSIBLE, because of how Democrats will never allow that to happen. And also, it's a stupid dumb-dumb idea since the American people do not want that to happen. So Cruz is like, "Eff all y'all," and he's STILL trying to lead the congressional nihilists in a doomed defunding campaign. But his Senate colleagues hate Cruz maybe even more than they hate Planned Parenthood, and they have had it up to HERE with his fist-shaking and foot-stomping and pants-pooping:

Republicans have grown tired of Cruz pushing proposals that he knows McConnell and other Republicans will never back, like defunding Planned Parenthood in a spending bill, then criticizing McConnell for not taking up the plan even as he uses the fight to bolster his presidential campaign as Washington's consummate outsider.

Cruz's internal criticism of his leadership is what animates his presidential campaign, but his colleagues appear to be no longer listening. Cruz was allowed only to speak for an hour on Monday night under Senate rules, and no one was itching to grant him an exception.

It really made Cruz's feelings extra butt-sore when his supposed partisan allies were like, "Shut up, Ted Cruz." So he whined, for a whole hour, on the Senate floor Monday night, about how Washington DC sucks and everyone is mean to him, and boo-hoo, daddy, kiss it and make it better, please. And yet, that failed to change anyone's minds, because Cruz's own party thinks he is a punk-ass snot-sucker, and they would rather #StandWithPP than give him a happy in his Pull-ups. Which is why they yelled at him and called him names and made fun of him and then tried to get on with doing their job of actual governing of U.S. America, almost as if that's exactly what they had been elected to do.

[POLITICO / Addicting Info]

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On Monday, someone attempted to murder George Soros by putting a bomb in his mailbox. Also on Monday, someone threw a rock into House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy's office. Also, I spilled some hot coffee on myself. These are all things that happened on Monday, and were by some measure unpleasant. While most people might say, "Yes, all of those things are unpleasant, but they are not equal degrees of unpleasant," most people are not Chuck Schumer.

In what appears to be an attempt to get someone on Fox News to describe him as a "reasonable guy," Schumer sent out a tweet today lamenting the "despicable acts of violence and harassment" being done by "both sides."

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Republicans are KILLIN' IT in Florida, you guys! No worries about election day, Gators. It's all smooooooth sailing for the Sunshine State GOP. Just take it from Governor Rick Scott's lead pollster Wes Anderson, who produced a whimsical, unskewed poll for the campaign, featuring nostalgic jams about high Republican turnout in those good old days, telling the Tampa Bay Times,

As the linked slides indicate, Governor Scott currently leads Senator Nelson 51% to 46%, a lead that is outside of the margin of error.

It should also be noted that this sample from last week is very robust at 2,200 interviews of likely voters, stratified by county to reflect historic mid-term turnout. Our sample shows the Republicans with a one-point turnout advantage, even though we believe we will end up with a two- or three-point advantage. For historical context, in the past two mid-term elections Republicans had a four-point advantage in 2010 and a three-point advantage in 2014. At R+1, that makes our current sample a very conservative take on the likely partisan composition of this year's electorate.

NEEDZ MOAR BILL MURRAY.

No other pollster has replicated those numbers, with SurveyUSA, Quinnipiac, and CNN/SSRS all finding Bill Nelson in the lead, but if OnMessage, Inc. says Scott is running way ahead, then it must be true! Only OnMessage promises to "take your principles, your experience, and your opponent's weaknesses to develop a winning message plan that the voters will embrace." And who wouldn't trust a push pollster, right?

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