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Sen. Ted Cruz (R-United States of Texas) hates the federal government, and he is going to kill it so hard, right in its stupid federal face, when he becomes the president of it. He has a plan to abolish the IRS and deport all of its agents to the border; he's gonna "repeal" Common Core, which is not a law and can't be repealed, but don't argue with him, he has a law degree, in LAW STUFF, from HARVARD; and then he'll disband the Supreme Court and appoint his dry drunk daddy to be in charge of banning all The Gay and saving all The Jews, for Jesus! Because the federal government is THE WORST and serves NO PURPOSE, and that's why he will get rid of it. But first:


Sen. Ted Cruz, R-Texas, spent Wednesday afternoon touring the devastation in Hays County leftover from the record flooding that swept through the area Memorial Day weekend. [...]

"Democrats and Republicans in the congressional delegation will stand as one in support of the federal government meeting its statutory obligations to provide the relief to help the Texans who are hurting."

Ohhhhh, right, there IS something the federal government is good for after all: swooping in to help victims of natural disasters, for example. Which is why, while plenty of Texans, including Republican Gov. Greg Abbott and even Sen. Cruz, have been concerned that Obama has secretly ordered the military to invade Texas and do, dunno, something, they're all quite fine with Big Government sending federal aid after the state's massive and fatal flooding over the weekend.

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Yup, the federal government is obligated to help Texans affected by this terrible disaster. But only Texans. Other states hit by real bad storms -- like, say, Superstorm Sandy -- can get bent because that's a waste of money the government simply could not afford:

Cruz voted against the bipartisan “emergency” aid package designed to help the victims of Superstorm Sandy. [...]

"Hurricane Sandy inflicted devastating damage on the East Coast, and Congress appropriately responded with hurricane relief. Unfortunately, cynical politicians in Washington could not resist loading up this relief bill with billions in new spending utterly unrelated to Sandy. [...] This bill is symptomatic of a larger problem in Washington — an addiction to spending money we do not have. The United States Senate should not be in the business of exploiting victims of natural disasters to fund pork projects that further expand our debt.”

Cruz cited, as an example of a supposedly unrelated "pork project" that he simply could not justify supporting, funding for the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, which monitors stuff like big-ass storms that cause major damage. So states can better prepare for those big-ass storms and maybe not be quite so devastated by them and then need even more federal emergency money to clean up the mess. But members of Congress who represented Sandy victims obviously were just trying to exploit a natural disaster for no good reason at all, what jerks.

Unlike Ted Cruz, who actually cares about his constituents and recognizes Congress has a duty to cough up some of that money the federal government shouldn't even be collecting through the agency tasked with collecting money, which President Cruz will abolish. Right after he cashes that big fat check to Texas and gets lots of good pictures of Savior Ted Cruz forcing the feds to save his state.

[KSAT and Houston Chronicle via TPM]

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