Ted Cruz Sweeps Colorado With Help Of Fellow Nutjobs
who's got two hands and wants to hasten the end of the world? this guy.
Over the weekend, we remained only vaguely aware of the fact that Colorado held some sort of complicated presidential nominating activity over on the GOP side. In a year marked by maximum primary season insanity, Colorado was actually a particular standout, given that they elected to go with a state convention where 600+ delegates got a chance to yammer at the faithful for a whopping 20 seconds about their favorite flavor of nightmare fuel: Trump, Cruz, or Kasich. Somehow 8000 people showed up to watch as those 600 speeches turned into 13 delegates and there were also 21 delegates from some other point during the week and -- fuck it. You can't figure this out any better than we can, can you? Suffice to say that Cruz strolled away with all of the delegates, no matter what complicated math went into creating them.
Those of you who are chortling over seeing the Donald get his ass handed to him in Colorado should remember that: (1) Donald didn't even really bring his ass to Colorado for this race anyway and (2) the prospect of a Ted Cruz presidency is equally, if not more, terrifying than a Donald Trump presidency. This is made especially clear by the fact that one of the members of Cruz's Dream Team in Colorado was none other than our old pal Gordon Klingenschmitt.
"I am honored to have the support of so many courageous conservatives in Colorado," Cruz said in a press release celebrating the formation of "his Colorado Leadership Team with the endorsement of 25 current and former elected officials and key grassroots leaders," including Klingenschmitt.
You may remember that Klingenschmitt was last seen gracing our virtual pages with plaintive worries about who pees where. Klingenschmitt (Jesus, that name is hard to type. Can we get a macro for that?) also wanted to make sure Al Franken didn't gay recruit your kids and decided that when three Muslim students were murdered, it was a sign that Christians were being oppressed. Also? Even his own GOP colleagues in the Colorado state house hate him for being an over-the-top nutbag who thinks God expresses his displeasure about abortion by making sure that pregnant ladies get brutally assaulted. In other words, he's an absolutely perfect companion for Ted Cruz, who is a well-loathed religious zealot-person in his own right.
God, is a VP slot for Klingenschmitt too much to ask for? Let's get to praying!