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I'M CRAWLING!


Oh hey Wonkers, what's up? Are you having a nice January Saturday morning, lounging in your sex onesies? Good! Are you ready to read your weekend top ten list? Oh good, we are glad for that too! Put on your readin' glasses and sit a spell!

[contextly_sidebar id="GT1G6vGt2aRQIFE6rpDlZsMY63ckHPfa"]But wait, have you read your Wonkette State Of The Wonkette Union post? You need to right now! Learn all about the amazing things and stuff we did in 2015, and then learn all the amazing things and stuff we are going to do in 2016!

And THEN you should find it in your hearts and your pants to throw us some American dollars! Let's see, how many should you give us? How about $5, $10, or $25, or even a different amount of your choosing? What's that? You feel you should probably watch a video of Wonkette Baby crawling for the very first time, while you rifle through your wallet? We will oblige!

Donna Schoenkopf we are coming to getcha

Posted by Rebecca Schoenkopf on Thursday, January 14, 2016

THEY GROW UP SO FAST!

OK, here is your weekly weekend reading list, for you to catch up on. As usual, it was chosen by the scientific method:

1. Oh look, here are More Stories of TERRIBLE Restaurant Customers, the first part of a probably eleventy part series. They are THE WORST.

2. South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley gave the OMG OBAMASUX SOTU response, which means she'll never win another election again, but that's how that works.

3. Republicans are just linin' right up to punch that foreigner Ted Cruz right in his poutine curds.

4. Mike Huckabee had hisself a downright temper tantrum at a lady for DARING to ask about his yucky Duggar friends.

5. Now cancer has killed Alan Rickman. Seriously, fuck you, cancer.

6. Did you watch the latest big dumb stupid Republican debate? Well, you sure didn't if you didn't read Wonkette's liveblog!

7. Restaurant manager rips lick knob customer into teeny-tiny pieces, scatters them into the wind!

8. Did you watch the very last ever State Of The Union address from your president Barry Bamz Barack Obama? Well, you sure didn't if you didn't read Wonkette's liveblog!

9. Breitbart does a GREAT job factchecking Barack Obama's SOTU address, except for that whole part about "factchecking."

10. Jeb Bush rekindles campaign excitement with exciting new pledge to screw the poors.

So there you go, Wonkers. That's your assigned reading for this weekend.

Now you have one task left, and one task only. There is a sign-up thing below, for the Wonkette newsletter, which is a special secret love note you get in your "box" every day! Don't you want us to whisper sweet nothings into your "box"? THEN SIGN UP!

Now go away, we love you, bye.

Love,

Wonket

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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