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Ted Haggard Now Straight

A hearty Wonkette Congratulations to Pastor Ted Haggard, who is now officially, completely heterosexual. It only took three weeks! The homosexuals will have to step up their game, it takes them years of indoctrination to turn kids gay.


"He is completely heterosexual," Ralph said. "That is something he discovered. It was the acting- out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing."

Gay sex with male prostitutes while on meth is a form of "acting out" that we're not too familiar with, but we don't have much experience with curing homosexuals. Every time we try, they kick us out of The Fireplace.

Haggard is moving to either Iowa or Missouri to "study psychology," which, in his terminology, means "take shrooms." And fuck men. For research.

Ted Haggard: Now "Completely Heterosexual" [Towleroad]

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Fellow Wonkers, this last week of horror has been wearing on us all, because here we are in a world where the "president" of the United States has ordered that migrant children be taken away from their parents at the border, and is simultaneously proud of it (for his base) and cravenly blaming it on Democrats because even he knows it's morally reprehensible. But what the hell can we do about it, we are all keening, beyond calling our senators and representatives and posting sadness on Twitter, the latter of which is of dubious utility to anyone, and mostly depressing?

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There are perks to being the only Harvard professor willing to shill for the Bush League Mussolini. Everyone else has to haul ass to the Fox studio and sit for hair and makeup. Not Alan Dershowitz! He just parks his laptop in Pee Wee's playhouse and Skypes in that rant. Is he even wearing pants? We hope never to find out!

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