TERROR IN THE HEARTLAND: MIDDLE EASTERN MEN FOUND WITH OVER 4,000 MINUTES
Three men of Pakistani descent found with 1,000 cell phones -- men claim to be merely "most popular guys in mid-Michigan."
Michigan counts as the heartland, right? The men had a Claude Allen-esque plot to get around Wal-Mart's "three phones at a time" rule by, uh, buying their phones three-at-a-time.
The three men were described as being of Pakistani descent but live in Texas. Police say the three, ages 19, 22, and 23 appear to be naturalized citizens. One man was driving while the other two were in the back opening the phone packages with box cutters throwing the phones in one box, batteries in another and the packaging and phone charger in another container. The suspects had 1000 other cell phones in the van. There was also a bag of receipts showing that someone was in Wisconsin the day before.
You see that? BOX CUTTERS. And Wisconsin, which is decidedly the Heartland. Russ Feingold aside.
The article points out that the men do this quite often, and simply resell the phones with an $18 markup -- capitalism! -- but when one of them was found to posses nearly two liters of a homemade chemical compound known to some as "Liquid Jihadist," police's suspicions were aroused.