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Stole Christmas.


It is December 18, 2017. Typically, on December 18, your loyal Wonkette is winding down and scouring the internet to find stupid stories to tell you, because A) we are hungover from Too Many Christmas Parties and B) the news is slow and Congress is going home and the president is a normal human being who's worth two shits and it's almost Christmas, so nothing is happening. This year, only the part about us being hungover is true, because we are living in Trump's America.

On Sunday, we told you about the newest fucking bullshit in the fucking bullshit campaign to declare Robert Mueller, the widely respected Republican former FBI director, an unperson, because he is unfairly investigating Donald Trump and his people to see if maybe JUST MAYBE they conspired with a hostile nation to steal American democracy. This, according to the worst and stupidest people in America (Hi Fox News! Hi, GOP Congress!), is an unpatriotic act. We are now being told to swallow some crap about how it's NO FAIR that Mueller has emails from the Trump transition, even though they were Dot Gov email addresses and if Mueller has a subpoena, he can have whatever he fucking wants, you stupid dicks.

("BUT THEIR EMAILS!" they cry. Yes, the very same people who spent 2016 asking us to masturbate along with them to the Russian-hacked emails of the DNC and John Podesta are now upset Robert Mueller is reading their sexts.)

So how are things today, on Monday morning, one week before Christmas? We regret to inform you it's all shit. The Fox News attacks on Mueller are intensifying, and Rep. Jackie Speier says rumor has it Trump is going to try to fire Mueller about 12 seconds after Congress officially goes home later this week.

According to CNN, Trump is more chill than you'd think (Putin probably promised him an envelope full of Russian hooker pee in his Christmas stocking during one of their recent phone sexxxx chats) about the investigation, firstly because he continues to declare that it's been "proven" that there was no collusion with Russia, and secondly because he's still listening to his idiot lawyer Ty Cobb, who says the investigation is almost over and Trump will be declared bigly yoogely tremendously innocent on all charges. His lawyers are meeting with Mueller this week, and they're probably telling Trump that Mueller will say "OMG SORRY" and shut the whole thing down. (Of course, Cobb has moved the goalposts again and now says the investigation will be over "early next year.")

The Trump White House PROMISES the president is not thinking about firing Mueller, so file that with the rest of Trump's promises. From CNN:

Three sources familiar with the President's recent conversations about the investigation said Trump has become convinced that he will receive a letter of exoneration, which would be unusual. One source worried Trump would have a "meltdown" if that doesn't happen.

"He'll try and fire Mueller and then be impeached," this person predicted.

Great.

So, despite his promises, will Trump literally ruin Christmas by trying to fire Mueller this week? Well, he already got Christmas in Nazareth canceled, that's how much of a fuck-up he is, that LITERALLY BABY JESUS cannot go home for Christmas because Donald Goddamned Trump got Christmas canceled in baby Jesus's ACTUAL HOME TOWN. So we are going to go with a solid "maybe Trump will ruin Christmas." It's always possible he will ruin January instead! Or Arbor Day!

But hell, why wouldn't he ruin Christmas? It's not like Trump can become the world's stupidest authoritarian leader in history the old fashioned way, for instance by getting a majority of people to love him, or vote for him, or be willing to shit on him if he's on fire. Instead, he holds us hostage, just like he does with his goddamned Twitter account every single day.

So what do we do this Christmas week in Trump's America? We DO CHRISTMAS, GODDAMMIT. We continue with our normal drunk celebratory activities like we would if there was a real president in office, but we also check our Obamaphones every hour or so, just to make sure Dear Leader Fuckwit hasn't broken America by trying to fire Mueller (or Rod Rosenstein). And if he does that, we stop roasting chestnuts and take our Christmas-drunk asses TO THE STREETS, to save our country. It will be like a regular Christmas, except with a lot more "EAT SHIT, TRUMP" signs.

Baby Jesus would approve.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

Are you a good Wonker who sends us money by Amazon? Well not anymore you're not, because Amazon done fucked our payment system. Would you be so great as to re-sign with Paypal or Stripe? K we love you bye.

[CNN]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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