The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Misremembers History Again, This Time Her Own

Remember when Sarah Palin said Paul Revere embarked on his midnight ride in order to warn the British? Or when her teleprompter broke in Iowa, and the resulting word salad was so rancid that even the Daily Caller sent it back to the kitchen? Well, Sarah Palin doesn't.

The Sarah Palin Channel published a little over 15 minutes of video since the last Fartknocker Report (Presented By Fartknocker), and more than nine of those minutes are Palin's rose-colored recollections of her 2011 bus tour and her time in Iowa. At least three of those nine minutes are nothing but a recycled video from SarahPAC, which was Palin's primary grift before she started her Internet teevee channel. We will keep typing this as long as it remains true: the Sarah Palin Channel's content strategy is a model of grifting efficiency.

In our first video this week, Palin sticks to her original messaging regarding the bus tour, insisting that her intent was to publicize American monuments such as the Lincoln Memorial. It's a plausible claim, because who even visits those monuments except for literally millions of people each year?

[...]Todd and I and the kids, and my parents, and others who came with us, a lot of times they were the first time that we had even seen these historical sites, so we knew, well, we're not the only ones across America who haven't experienced this, let's bring America along on the ride! And we'll use these doggone reporters to give publicity to the sites that we think Americans should go see...

She was doing this for you, you ungrateful bastards! Sarah Palin's beautiful bus tour was a gift to America, which is Sarah Palin's most favoritest nation ever, and you had to go and ruin everything. You disgust us, America, but Sarah Palin will draw you back to her forgiving bosom, because She Is Love.

The video is embedded below, for hate-watching purposes, and in case your Palin-loving great aunt doesn't believe Yr Wonket about the recycled PAC footage, here's proof.

Similarly, the Iowa video makes no mention of Palin's troubles with a broken teleprompter at this year's Iowa Freedom Summit. Iowa is filled with nothing but good memories for Sarah Palin! So many good memories, in fact, that she can't seem to remember all the reasons why it's fun to visit Iowa in the first place.

Fun things to do in Iowa, too, like their state fair, y'know, looking at the displays of sculptures of butter? Well, I'd never seen such a thing, a cow made out of butter, that was kind of cool, the kids thought that was different, that was neat.

That's the best she could do, and as a native Minnesotan, Yr Wonket can sympathize with Palin. The most fun thing to do in Iowa is to drown in a lagoon of exploding foamy pigdoots. The Mississippi River flows south from Minnesota because Iowa sucks, haw haw haw. At the Minnesota State Fair, the butter sculptures depict small-town beauty queens (just like Sarah!), but perhaps these cows are indeed Iowa's beauty queens, who knows.

Eat shit, Iowa, is what we're sayin' here. Go Gophers.

Anyway, Palin's visits to Iowa were obviously intended to publicize the exceptional America-ness of the state. Isn't that sweet, how Sarah Palin would take on an entire state as a pity case like that? Because she definitely wasn't there to further her own grifting career, heavens no.

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker, Is Brought To You By Fartknocker.


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