The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Takes Summer Vacation, Leaves Fans Lonely, Confused
For two weeks running, Sarah Palin has not bothered to publish any new videos—and her subscribers have begun to take notice. In the Sarah Palin Channel's comment sections, they speak to each other in the tones of people who just blew $20 on carnival games and didn't even win a giant stuffed panda for Jenny Sue.
Ooh, ooh, we do, we do! Poor Pammers strikes as the kind of person who watched the final scenes of "The Usual Suspects" and wondered who was going to clean up all that spilled coffee.
Other commenters, like this grandmother, are far more direct and far more fed-up.
Threatening to take your foldin' money elsewhere are fightin' words in Palin's grifter paradise. But then you've got true believers like this guy, who will happily tell you that the evidence of absence is not the absence of evidence.
Oh you sweet, stupid person. Sarah Palin is going to leave suckers like you hanging all the way to the bank. But if we ever need to hoard gold, we are willing to bet that StandProudNow knows where we can buy some.
Another commenter, President Palin (whose activity level makes him or her something of a super-user on the Sarah Palin Channel), explains why America needs Sarah Palin in the White House.
Childless harpy Carly Fiorina has no place in the fertile subterranean breeding parlors of the Executive Residence, this goes without saying. Also, lol Carly Fiorina's candidacy being taken seriously.
But scarcity breeds conflict, and around the bone-dry video well at the Sarah Palin Channel, some commenters have begun to lash out.
As of Wonkette press time, it is not clear whether mottthesprocket wants working videos or someone to fight with. Probably both!
Other commenters don't know what everyone is complaining about. Sometimes little kids like to watch the same movie twice in a row, y'know? They just like it, who knows why.
Yr Wonkette is willing to bet that lluerssen is actually Lisa Palinista Luerssen on Faceplace, and we bring this up only to underscore the fact that Palin's subscribers are not terribly Internet-savvy. We are punching down in this post, and we don't feel as bad about that as we probably should.
One commenter, PrayingforAPresPalin, takes the passive-aggressive Southern belle approach.
Bless you and your family's little hearts, and we're going to be praying for you, yes we are. The Lord works in mysterious ways, we suppose.
It appears that the Sarah Palin Channel's sweet, dumb, gullible, sometimes-racist-and-always-incoherent subscribers have finally reached a breaking point. They have gone two full weeks without their fix, and they are scratching at their necks and glaring at each other from the corners of their eyes. They are cold-lampin' out here, man, and they need Sarah to hook them up.
Next week, Palin will again appear at her nest, and her younglings will once again clamor for fresh meat. Whether she gives them something raw and bloody, or more scraps of pre-digested PAC footage, probably depends on what her subscriber growth numbers look like. Yr Wonket has followed Palin's channel for nearly ten months, and we think, hope, and pray that the free market has given Sarah Palin a chance and found her wanting.
The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, presented by Fartknocker, was brought to you by Fartknocker.
Follow Dan on Twitter.