The Five Dumbest Things Rudy Giuliani Has Said Since Lunch
Did we not JUST finish writing you a Rudy Giuliani post about how Rudy Giuliani is almost as bad of a lawyer as Michael Cohen and OH MY GOD CAN HE JUST PLEASE SHUT UP AND STOP SAYING THE QUIET PARTS LOUD?
But America's Sweetheart has given YET ANOTHER INTERVIEW, this time to the Huffington Post, and we are starting to think giving interviews and saying the dumbest things we have ever heard is literally his job description. Maybe it is part of his legal strategy!
Actually it IS part of his legal strategy, so STOP LAUGHING, YOU ASSHOLES.
Giuliani has come up with a strategy he thinks might be working: taking a higher profile with inflammatory public comments of his own.
“It’s one of the reasons I’ve become so aggressive, so his tweeting would be confined to the subject that we’ve chosen for the day,” he said.
Giuliani says this is his strategy because Donald Trump, AKA the dumbest fucking client ever, cannot actually be prevented from tweeting. Therefore maybe if Giuliani says really dumb shit MORE LOUDLY than Trump tweets it, that will ... well, we don't know how it'll end the Robert Mueller investigation or keep the president from adding to his pile of obstruction of justice charges, but we guess it's something!
But wait, what is this about the SUBJECT THEY'VE CHOSEN FOR THE DAY? Does that mean one day we can look forward to a whole day of funny tweets about elephants from the president, because Giuliani has informed him the SUBJECT THEY'VE CHOSEN FOR THE DAY is "animals"? Oh gosh, we hope so.
Rudy Giuliani is so glad Trump boned himself on North Korea, because that means Trump has more time to bone Rudy Giuliani, ALLEGEDLY.
After weeks of describing June’s planned meeting with North Korea as all-consuming, President Donald Trump’s lawyer said the canceled summit does not mean Trump will soon be speaking with prosecutors investigating his campaign.
“No,” Rudy Giuliani said with a laugh. “It means he can talk to me.”
Great. Just great. That's working out so well for everyone.
Giuliani says since Trump isn't going to Singapore on June 12 to create world peace and get Nobel Peace Prizes, Donald 'n' Rudy have more time for romantic dates to decide whether Trump should face Robert Mueller in person. They had one in New York City on Wednesday night!
BUT! There is a BUT!
Remember when Donald Trump HEREBY DEMANDED that the Department of Justice initiate an investigation into all the FBI Deep State spies who did wire tapps inside his bottom during the campaign, which only happened in the dark recesses of Trump's very bad brain? And in response Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein said, "Yeah sure, whatever, we'll get right on it," and shunted it off to the DOJ inspector general?
Giuliani says Trump won't do an interview -- even though in our last post, we had him saying yeah he guesses they will do an interview, because El Dipshit really wants to -- until they get the official DOJ report on "SpyGate," that is, the fake scandal Trump made up on Twitter this week:
“Are we going to get a report on ‘spygate’?” Giuliani said, using the term Trump invented this week.
Christ, what an idiot.
If the president does it, it's not illegal, and you can't even investigate it!
Giuliani allowed that, as U.S. attorney for the Southern District of New York, he never would have turned over all of his investigatory material to a potential target in that manner.
“But I wasn’t investigating the president,” he said, justifying the demand for the FBI informant details. “You cannot compel criminal process on the president.”
That is a radical interpretation of the DOJ rule (NOT law) that you can't indict a sitting president. Now you can't even investigate them! Is the FBI even allowed to look at Donald Trump? What about wave? Can they poke him on Facebook? Can they swipe left on him on Tinder?
Next question: Remember that time Rudy Giuliani was an American patriot who respected the rule of law? Hahahahaha, us neither, we always thought he was a shriveled fucking chinchilla anus from whichever ring of hell chinchilla anuses live on.
And for his last trick, Rudy Giuliani will confess that Trump fired James Comey in order to obstruct justice in the Russia investigation, which is FINE, TOTALLY FINE.
One more and then we've had our fill of this shit wafer for the day:
“The fact that [Trump fired Comey] because of the Russian investigation is not obstruction of justice,” Giuliani said. “If he did it for that reason, that would be a legitimate reason to fire [Comey]. He works at the will of the president.”
Oh fuck it, we don't even feel like bringing ourselves down to the level of explaining how far up his own ass Giuliani's head is right now.
Hey, y'all ever wonder if Giuliani is protecting Trump like this because they did dirty shady shit together back in NYC when Giuliani was mayor?
Some nice journalist from Mother Jones should investigate that.
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.