Let me take you Tahiti my sweet ... the sexiest part of the pathetic remains of our empireAdmit it, Wonketteers: you've been disappointed by the quality of U.S. sex scandals in recent weeks. Dickcember was a little flaccid, with even the whole Axis of Fun scandal only netting a skeevy Senatorial staffer who was quickly fired, so: BORING. Could it be that the cold weather is forcing our leaders to keep it in their well-insulated pants? Politicians from the tropics and the Southern Hemisphere seem to have no such restrictions on their naughtiness! This week, The Foreigns offers a smörgåsbord of political scandal, from the pederastic to the cinematic.

MALAYSIA: "Malaysia's Paris Hilton" is old, unattractive

Hot ... HOTTWhat would you feel if you were approached by a subway vendor offering to sell you a two-DVD set of Secretary of Health and Human Services Mike Leavitt fucking a woman who is not his wife? Super turned on, right? Well, Malaysians no longer have to imagine, as their Minister of Health was forced to resign after video of him getting it on with a woman he called a "personal friend" (well, we would hope so) hit the Malaysian streets. Chua Soi Lek, aged 60, at first admitted that it was him on the tape but pledged to stay on the job. But as a local political analyst noted, "You can't continue in power when you are seen naked."

Chua apparently was forgiven by wife (and hey, polygamy's legal there and all) but not by the prudish populace, and so he gave what may be the most awesomely petulant political good-bye speech ever, claiming that "some Malaysians have a holier-than-thou attitude" and "at the end of the day, it just tells you that honesty sometimes does not pay." Could one of the unspecified "sex acts" seen on the tape be cunnilingus, a scandal in this conservative, non-pussy-eating nation? Since the tape features Chua and his friend filmed from four different camera angles, and since Chua himself is an ethnic Chinese (a group not well loved by many in the Malay majority), it's kind of obvious this is an inside job of some sort.

SOLOMON ISLANDS: AG possibly worse than Gonzales discovered

Have her back by midnight, kid What would you feel if you were told that your Attorney General, the highest law officer in the land, was actually himself guilty of terrible crimes? Ha ha, just kidding, you already know what that's like. But unless you live in the Solomon Islands, you probably don't know what it's like to have your ex-AG on trial in another country for statutory rape!

Julian Moti is a Fijan-born Australian citizen who up until a few weeks ago was the Attorney General of the Solomon Islands. (And, side note, how pathetic is your country if you can't come up with one Attorney General among your entire citizenry? Come on, kids, you can go to law school over the Internet now and everything!) He had a run-in with the law -- involving sex with a 13-year-old girl -- in the comically named south Pacific nation of Vanuatu in the late '90s, and Australia has been itching to put him on trial for it ever since. After a daring escape from Papua New Guinea, Moti was made the Attorney General of the Solomon Islands in June 2007, but this past December his government was voted out by the Parliament and he was promptly bundled off to Australia to face trial for his crimes.

Except! Is it possible that the whole thing is politically motivated? Seems that Moti was an ally of the ex-Prime Minister of the Solomon Islands, who was opposed to Australia's military presence there; the charges in Vanuatu were pretty thin, and were deemed to be trumped up and politically motivated; and, most shockingly, as the photo at left indicates, Moti himself looks to be only 15 years old, so at the time of the alleged crimes he would have been, what, 6? The Aussies do themselves no favors with the movement to free an ex-MP (and member of the newly elected ruling party) accused of various outrages against tweenage boys.

GAMBIA: Amusingly worded outrage from non-native English speakers

The Gambia: It looks like this, we thinkCan you imagine ... oh, forget it. A regional governor in the African nation of Gambia is accused of using his position to sexually harass his subordinates. Shocking, we know, that a politician would do something like this, but the breathless story on the subject at allAfrica.com, entitled "Governor Omar Khan Engulfs in a Sex Scandal," delivers the sort of prose-mangled brilliance of the sort usually found only in banking scam emails:

* "The Foreign Nurse in order to keep her job, she had to dance to the dictates of the Governor. Khan is often seen hanging out with the said Nurse name withheld."

* "This poor Nigerian Nurse dares say no to Governor Khan's alleged sexual advances. She also dares lodge a complaint with the police. She knows what awaits her if she ventures into such actions."

* "Governor Khan should top his low life. He would be surprised to learn that some concerned Community residents have taken some photographs of him, including the Nigerian Nurse. The last thing the shameless Governor would want to see is to have these pictures serialized on the pages of the Freedom Newspaper."

* "Khan needs to preserve the image of his office and leave them hard-working Foreign Nurses."

Take that, Khan! And a word to pervert politicians everywhere: preserve the image of your office, and top your low life.


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