The Lord Jesus Hates Dr Pepper And You Should Too


Hello, and welcome to yet another segment on people who have completely lost perspective! Today's guests are "Christians mad at soda."

It all started with an advertisement posted on Facebook Thursday afternoon. It was silly, as advertisements for bubbly sugar-water are wont to be, and depicted Dr Pepper turning a primate into a homo sapien with the power of its deliciousness — "the evolution of flavor."

Did any you viewers home catch it? Did any of you catch the horrible thing?

You got it folks — Dr Pepper said "evolution."

People got quite mad about this, you see, because evolution is obviously fake, and the people who are outraged over this attack on religious freedom have TAKEN TO THE INTERNET, because they cannot be bothered to get off their couches and storm an embassy.

Let's get your opinions! Our first caller is Amy. Amy, how do you feel about Dr Pepper?

Thank you Amy! We shall file that under "If you like Dr Pepper you're going to get hit by a truck driven by the Holy Ghost." Who's next? Shan, you're on the air!

Good question, Shan! How can Dr Pepper promote evolution?

One could be inclined to think they aren't, because that would be as silly as a chicken shack taking a stance on gay marriage. Is it possible they are trying to do something else, such as selling pepper soda?

Also, Shan, why do you cite a lack of "concrete proof" for evolution but "Invisible Skyking made two people out of dirt" requires no citation?



OK, it appears Shan has disconnected. Next caller!

Sound logic, Clydell. Taking a moment to critically analyze evolution should clearly result in coming to the conclusion that it could only be true if God were a monkey. That is definitely the only conclusion to come to at this intellectual juncture, and I think we all learned a little something.

Let's get one more viewer on the line. Ricky, you're up!

Hm. Well, let's take one more, because Ricky appears to have had a stroke.

Sorry Joe, didn't quite catch that. There seems to be some static on the line — all we could make out was "LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU HOLY BOOK HOLY BOOK."

In any case, that's all the time we have for today! We'll see you next time, when Rep. Louis Gohmert will be on to explain how atheists make people go on movie theater shooting sprees. And remember kids, Jesus drinks Mr. Pibb.

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