The 'Masculine Toilet' Guy Is Back To Take On The Jan. 6 Committee

Remember Season Three of Nightmare on Pennsylvania Avenue when Jeff Sessions got the boot and some thumb-headed goob whose main claim to fame was attaching himself to a scheme to sell oversize toilets to keep giant peeners from dangling in the water became the acting Attorney General?

Guess who's back, baby?

That's right, it's MEATBALL!

Well, his wife doesn't call him Meatball when she's sending nasty letters to writers who have the nerve to point out that he was probably appointed illegally and that an ethical attorney would have recused himself from the Mueller investigation after going on TV multiple times to rubbish it. She just calls him Matthew Whitaker, because it would be weird to call him My Little Astroturf Lobbyist, or Scam-a-lamma Ding Dong Pitch Man. And who knows, maybe she does call him Daddy Masculine Toilet when it is late night sexxxytimes. But we are not going to speculate on that just now, because HOORAY Meatball is back where he belongs!

That's right, he's in the middle of a legal "arrangement" that reeks to high heaven. Where else?

Rolling Stone (which is killing it lately, big mazal!) reports that Whitaker's new law firm in Missouri is representing four people subpoenaed by the January 6 Select Committee. Nope, not Steve Bannon or Mark Meadows; not Katrina Pierson; not even Amy and Kylie Kremer of the Women for America First outfit that did all the organizing for the pre-insurrection tailgate. The four witnesses here are low-level campaign volunteers and event coordinators Maggie Mulvaney, Tim Unes, Justine Caporale, and Megan Powers. You've probably never heard of them except insofar as Maggie Mulvaney is Mick Mulvaney's niece.

And yet, out of the goodness of their hearts, Meatball teamed up with Matt and Mercedes Schlapp to pay the legal costs for these relative nobodies, routing the money through a "First Amendment Fund" at the American Conservative Union, which Matt Schlapp chairs. Which probably means you can't tell who's contributing or how much. Luckily, the ACU is always on the up and up and would never involve itself in something shady. AHEM.

Meatball, who is of counsel at the Missouri law firm Graves Garrett, will be "supervising" two other attorneys as they take on the mean Democrats in DC. Hey, quit laughing, you degenerates! This is very generous of everyone involved, and it's probably just a coincidence that it gives them a front row seat to observe the Committee's work up close and in person.

Or ... maybe not.

The attorney working on matters related to the investigation says the fund was being organized by loyalists to the former president because "it shows fealty to Trump." Based on conversations the Graves Garrett team had with other people involved in the investigation, the attorney who spoke with Rolling Stone and was privy to these discussions says it was clear the lawyers on that team wanted to learn about the broader progress of the House select committee's investigation into the Capitol attack.

"They wanted to know shit," the attorney says.


The attorney offers a succinct response when asked if the legal fund established by the Trump allies is helping any of the ex-president's supporters who broke into the halls of Congress.

"Oh fuck no," the attorney says. "Their fund is to defend the people that put on the Trump rally."

So they're going to use other people's money to get a peek inside the Committee room, but on the cheap, since they picked clients who just handled permitting for the rallies, so who cares if they actually tell Reps. Thompson and Cheney the truth. Got it.

Oh, Meatball, never change.

[Rolling Stone]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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