The Next Contestant On 'So You Think You Can DNI' Is ... The Congressman From 'Hee Haw'!

Oh God, how many times have we been through this now, where Donald Trump floats an idea for a new real-live big-boy director of national intelligence, and then promptly gets smacked in the grundle for being so stupid as to even think that's a possibility? (The highly unqualified dickhead acting DNI, Ric Grenell, who is also the loathed ambassador to Germany, is only there temporarily. He says.)

Trump thought maybe he could pick Devin Nunes, but no, that didn't work, everybody LOLed and said "moo." He thought he could pick paste-eating dipsack Texas Rep. John Ratcliffe, but WHOOPS, John Ratcliffe appears to have fabricated half of his career. He still could pick Rep. Chris Stewart of Utah, which is horrifying, because that guy literally queened out during the Russia intelligence briefing because he just can't understand why Putin would pick Trump, considering how TUFF ON RUSSIA Trump has been. If you are that stupid, you are not qualified to feed our cat, and we do not have a cat.

But Trump likes reality shows, and this is clearly a reality show, so might as well have a new contestant! SPOILER, the new contestant does not even want to be on the reality show.

Let's meet him!

What The Hell Is That, Wonkette?!

That's the new contestant, Rep. Doug Collins of Georgia, known around these parts as the Congressman From "Hee Haw"!

Trump slipped to reporters late last night that maybe he will pick Doug Collins.

What Are Doug Collins's Talents?

Yelling unintelligible hick carnival barker words really super-fuckin' fast to disrupt/stall Trump impeachment hearings, having temper tantrums about having to come to work when he doesn't want to, and other things we are sure. He comes across as one of the redneck cousins Kenneth from "30 Rock" was trying to get away from when he moved to the big city.


And now Doug:

What Else Doug Collins Good At?

Making this face during impeachment hearings from his former perch as the ranking member on the House Judiciary Committee:

Wait, Isn't He Busy Trying To Run For Senate In Georgia Right Now?

Yes, and originally it seemed like he had Trump's support to do that. BUT Georgia Governor Brian Kemp is backing Kelly Loeffler, the gazillionaire senator he appointed to fill out Johnny Isakson's term, and Moscow Mitch is behind Loeffler, and the Republican Party is behind Loeffler, and Loeffler really got behind protecting Trump from being held accountable for his crimes during the impeachment trial, so Trump kinda likes her now too.

So making Collins DNI would get him out of the way pretty efficiently, and everybody could be happy, right?

Anyway, Trump has been trying to #FixIt.

What Does Doug Collins Look Like He Probably Smells Like, If You Had To Guess?

A corn nut.

Who Does Doug Collins Say Democrats Are In Love With?

The terr'ists.

Does Collins Even Want The DNI Job?

Hahahahahahahaha DENIED.

"This is not a job that's of interest to me at this time, and it's not one that I'd accept," he said in a morning appearance on Fox Business, before questioning Loeffler's loyalty to Trump.

Womp womp.

Doug Collins, You Are The Weakest Link!


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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