The No Tolerance for No Tolerance Poll, Part Two

Handy Dandy Dui ChartOur second set of responses to the Wonkette operative survey sparked by the revelation that, in D.C., one drink is enough to get you arrested for drinking and driving comes with a handy clip and save chart (via the Washington Post, click to enlarge). It will help keep you out of jail (maybe) and can serve as guide for how long you'll need to sit through vapid conversation about the last "Desperate Housewives" episode and moisturizers before he's drunk and you can fuck him already. As for the survey: Some respondents choose to answer our question about drinking in the District in a free-form style. Just don't ask them to walk a straight line.


An Easy Trip to DUI [WP]

Responses after the jump.

In a town as self-obsessed as this one, booze is the only way to avoid every single conversation devolving into a discussion of Bush's next Supreme Court pick or the prospects for energy legislation. It's Viagra for the dating-challenged. A standard rule of thumb is to double the amount of booze you think you need, and rely on the vast armaments of the liquor industry, like portable margarita machines. It won't hurt, either, if you accidentally double the amount of tequila and cut the amount of mixers in half. As for who is driving, there's always someone in some optional limited dry-out mode who can be the designated driver, or a long-suffering soon to be ex-girlfriend or boyfriend. And THIS is why all DC cabs have those vinyl seats.

the key is in the pacing.  early rapid drinking is the key.  then the buzz can wear off to near-nothing by the time the party has gotten insufferable.  3 glasses of wine minimum.

I'm pretty sure drinking in massive quantities is an absolute requirement for any sort of social activity in DC (though there may be some sort of mole-people christian "party" circuit I'm unaware of where they throw down pints of our savior's blood and those crispy Jesus-wafers).
Evidence of this:
I'm almost always drunk when I'm in a crowd of uptight white people;
the high success rate of pickup lines that begin with references to Karl Rove, Judzilla Miller, the deficit and the evil Mainstream Media;
the fact that new generations of Anne Taylor buyers keep showing up in Fairfax and upper northwest means people are drinking themselves into blind stupors before engaging in some akward, selfconscious sexual relations;
the Bush twins live here; and
this is the only city on Earth where Hitch is considered to be sexy by of age, disease free heterosexual women.

As for the amounts, results may vary, obviously. But here's my generally fool proof recipe for making it through an east of of the Cracka Divide (eastside 14th street) party: six well chilled shots of jager, a quart of Cisco (berry flavor preferably) fortified wine, three or four beers (domestic) and 30 mils of aderol. That'll get ya through at least midnight on an average Tuesday.

1. Are booze essential to getting through a typical DC party?

YES

2. How *much*booze are essential to getting through a typical DC party? (please be as specific as possible)

5 DRINKS MINIMUM

3. Ok, now how do you get home?

WITH COMPANY

-- 1) Are booze essential to getting through a typical DC party? Booze is the only reason to go to a typical DC party, unless it's at Jennifer 8 Lee's place, in which case you also go to piss off of the roof-deck.

2) How *much*booze are essential to getting through a typical DC party? (please be as specific as possible) Depends. A) Jennifer 8 Lee party (or similar): six-pack of beer. B) Juleanna Glover Weiss soiree: 1 bottle of wine. (If Ashcroft is there, 2 bottles.)

3) Ok, now how do you get home? Drive (with--and this is crucial--headlights ON).

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