oscar.jpgSo you didn't watch the Academy Awards last night. Well, that's okay; with the help of this handy little guide, you can pretend that you did.

The Oscars lie more squarely within the jurisdiction of our L.A. and New York siblings (whose coverage is available here and here). But since the awards were fairly political this year -- which shouldn't be surprising, with Jon Stewart as host -- we'll put in our two cents.

If the Oscars come up as a topic at the water cooler or around the lunch table today, here's just enough material for you to participate intelligently in the conversation:

* Your favorite political joke of the night (from host Jon Stewart): "I do have some sad news to report. Bjork could not be here. She was trying on her Oscars dress and Dick Cheney shot her."

* Your favorite -- or least favorite, depending on your point of view -- acceptance speech: George Clooney (a.k.a. Hamas leader Khaled Meshal). After noting how Hollywood was ahead of its time on a number of political issues, from civil rights to AIDS, Clooney proclaimed himself "proud to be out of touch."

* Your theory as to why "Crash" prevailed over "Brokeback Mountain" for best picture (courtesy of Adam Cohen of the Times, as well as a screenwriter friend of ours): "Oh, well, the 'Crash' win wasn't that surprising to me. The Academy demographic skews older, and Hollywood is always a few decades behind when it comes to picking message movies. So of course they'd go with the 'racism is bad' movie over the 'yay gay people' movie."

Finally, for all you ladies out there, you can't pretend to have watched the Oscars without having a random fashion quip to offer. So here's one for starters: "Look, I know Jennifer Garner just gave birth, so I'm willing to cut her some slack. But that Michael Kors gown was truly unfortunate, giving her no support in the bust. Her breasts looked like they were in different area codes!"

So there you have it -- just enough random knowledge to help you make it through a day of Oscar conversations. We're all about service journalism here at Wonkette!

Complete List of Oscar Winners [AP]

And This Year's Oscar Goes to... a Movie That Takes a Stand [NYT]

Earlier: The Oscars: Politics for Beautiful People


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