The Reign Of Hopeful Terror Begins
By the Comics Curmudgeon
Now that the election is over and Barry Hussein Von Hopenstein has won, we can admit that as part of the vast media conspiracy, we were all thoroughly very deeply in the enormous tank. Also in the tank were all political cartoonists, except for a few, to whom we will not give equal time today, due to our in-the-tankness. But like all members of the media, the cartoonitariat is a fickle thing, and they are all beginning to show us the horror that awaits us under President Obama. Read on to find out how bad it will get ... if you dare.
Click on the cartoons for larger versions! You will not regret it!
As you can see, Uncle Sam has had a rough eight years! And as he's the symbol of our once-great nation, the myriad awfulness of the Bush administration left him in dire straits: as a shabby hobo, sitting on a bench in the middle of the day because there's nothing to do until that government check comes through and he can buy more Sterno. But here comes a handsome fellow who offers to help lift him back up to his proper place in the world! Sure, Uncle Sam's never heard of the guy, but how much worse can it get? Our hobo uncle has Hope!
Unfortunately, like so many bearded homeless men in tattered, striped pants, Uncle Sam was a mere victim, his very vulnerability an invitation to corruption. The handsome stranger took him back to his headquarters, plied him with crystal meth, and then sodomized him. Our sinister president-elect is seen here celebrating another such tawdry "victory"; Uncle Sam is still far too tweaked to comprehend the level of indignity to which he's been subjected.
Having had his way with our beloved national symbol, Obama now needs to figure out how to heal the political partisanship and hostility that afflicts our nation. As many presidents have done before him, he turns for advice to the preserved head of Abraham Lincoln, kept in a conscious-yet-undead state through terrible voodoo magic. Obama asks Lincoln how he ended the war between the blue and the gray, and Lincoln explains that he sent enormous armies into the south that smashed the rebels with artillery fire, then burned down the major cities and destroyed the infrastructure.
But could that work today? Obama was in a pickle: Obviously the actual army wouldn't obey his orders, because he is a liberal gay Muslim, and his millions of glassy-eyed volunteers couldn't do the job, because they are effete indie rock snobs who would shriek like little girls if they got some blood on their ironic ringer t-shirts. That left the new president with only one choice: assemble the individually feeble Obamatards Voltron-style into one monstrously huge Obamabot that would crush all of its enemies! (You agreed to take part in this when you donated $20 to Obama on his Web site, by the way. Read the fine print, next time.)
The first stop for the rampaging mega-Obama: South Dakota! You might recall that South Dakota was looking pretty close in the polls, before ultimately voting for McCain (no doubt because he offered up his wife for the state's sexual gratification.) That puts it first on the list of states to be crushed under the terrible robot's feet. TREMBLE BEFORE MEGA-OBAMA, DAKOTANS!
Lincoln, realizing the horror he had unleashed, arose from his giant stone chair in his eponymous memorial and dashed westward, to fight the Mega-Obama with his enormous marble fists of justice. Our fate hangs in the balance of the outcome of their terrible battle. Which ungodly giant president will emerge the victor? Whoever it is, he will be tall, gangly, and from Illinois, and will rule us as demon-king for a thousand years of hell.