The Republican YouTube Debate: High Expectations All Around
Why are you reading this? Why? Do you think my liveblogging, or anyone else's, can possibly bring more funny than Republicans being asked dumbshit questions by inanimate objects -- and then responding to them?? Just get out of here. Shimmy on now! My role is futile; I am a pawn among the divine, celestial humor forces that aligned to make this dream-debate a reality.
Joking! I will haz funny! I'll make at least a billion zillion anal sex jokes!! Oh now you'll stay? Eh, works for me. Start sharing drinking game suggestions right about... now.
7:52 -- Lou Dobbs is ripping the New York Times' David Brooks for making fun of his "presidential campaign." Is this guy ever off? And if he is running for president, doesn't this free advertising violate certain campaign laws?
7:53 -- CNN is seriously needing some death right now. Show the fucking snowman videos already.
7:55 -- Yeah, what about those Rudy corruption allegations from today? Too bad the YouTube submission deadline was Sunday. But maybe inquisitive snowmen can peer into the future?
8:00 -- Lou Dobbs either stops talking or is cut off. Mexicans take a sigh of relief.
8:01 -- The Republican governor of Florida is walking onstage and he... Oh Jesus fuck, who is this castrated hobbit introducing him? Is he a YouTube video also?
8:02 -- Whoa, forgot Duncan Hunter was still a person. Is Duncan Hunter a person?
8:03 -- Paul. Walnuts. Thompson. It's been so long since we've had a Republican debate, and I've written so many articles making fun of these guys.... Pardon me, it's just a powerful moment right now.
8:06 -- CNN! Way to have an awkward silence because the photographers were exiting. Have you ever planned anything in your lives?
8:07 -- All this, and it's only the intro video? What have I gotten myself into!?
8:07 -- "Sadly, Schmoopsy will not be heard from tonight" -- Anderson Cooper, journalist.
8:09 -- Video 1: A dude singing with his acoustic guitar, some shit about the various candidates. Fred Thompson looks like he's passing a kidney stone watching this.
8:10 -- Was that Raffi?
8:11 -- Video 2: The most Brooklyn person evarr asks Rudy why he let so many taco taco Mexicans into New York City. Rudy takes his money and uses it to fund his affairs.
8:13 -- Romney is being boring, this whole thing is so boring so far I can't believe I'm wait is that Chuck Norris in the crowd?
8:14 -- Romney and Giuliani are fighting like it's New Hampshire on Monday! Giuliani mentions that he had Mexicans in his city, but Romney had them on his lawn. As lawn gnomes! Mexican lawn gnomes.
8:15 -- They are get. ting. in. to. IT! This is out of hand. We need snowmen and we need them right the fuck now.
8:16 -- Rudy gets booed for not dropping it. Rudy is such a papist sometimes.
8:16 -- Video 3: OMG, now this is why I came! It's a lightly lit fat man in the dark yelling about amnesty. How was this video possibly chosen? I'll just be thankful that it was.
8:18 -- And here it is:
8:18 -- Fred Thompson suggests we've all hired illegal Mexicans to mow our lawns, and that's the most honest shit he's ever said.
8:21 -- McCain: "This whole debate saddens me." This came after he was booed for saying the words "amnesty" and "not" in the same sentence.
8:21 -- Tancredo time! And he calls the debate "wonderful," because the Mexican John McCain hated it.
8:22 -- Everything is about Mexicans, in fact. Not complaining, though.
8:24 -- Video 4: Just some hicks being racist. Tom Tancredo says Mexicans make it "harder to assimilate," but for whom? Teh geyz? Oh right, wrong slandered minority.
8:26 -- Duncan Hunter would build the 854-mile fence in six months. And that's his entire platform.
8:26 -- Some biatch is asking Huckabee about -- you guessed it -- Mexicans. Her sound is completely out of sync, but Huckabee is so sweet and cool and skinny that he responds anyway.
8:27 -- Isn't there a war? Health care crisis? Can we stop it with the fucking immigration?? That shit died over the summer. Go ahead, talk about your little privatization plans for old peoples' money, we don't care, just something new.
8:29 -- If Huckabee's life had gone a different way, he "might be picking lettuce." Hey, that's exactly what Romney does on his morning constitutional in the garden every day.
8:30 -- ... Mexicans.
8:31 -- Video... I forget the number: Now it's a lot better -- Paul was just asked about the Paultards!
8:32 -- Wonkette to Nick Farr, Wonkette to Nick Farr -- Paul is bitching about the NAFTA highway and it destroying America! Sic 'em.
8:33 -- Video: Hi Sarah from Scottsdale, Arizona! I'm John McCain and I want to deploy you to Iran.
8:36 -- Ronald Reagan namedrop = waterfall! Grab a new beer while you're up.
8:36 -- Did I mention that suave Intern Greg Wasserstrom is being Interny for me tonight? Well he also has opinions: "GIULIANI JUST SAID GOVERNMENT WORKERS SHOULD BE ROBOTS." More to come from Intern Greg.
8:39 -- Can Ron Paul think of three programs to cancel off the top of his head? In less time than a Paultard donates money for a blimp.
8:40 -- Paul just got NORFED when Huckabee said he'd abolish the IRS first. Paul eats fetuses.
8:42 -- Good lord, Walnuts can't finish a damn sentence. Who knew Republicans were so rude?
8:43 -- Warren G. Harding should run. Like he should come back from the dead and run. The American people deserve all the facts about Teapot Dome.
8:43 -- Grover. Fucking. Norquist. Got to ask a question. Isn't the whole point of this to be more democratic? Then like the biggest lobbyist in America gets to ask a question? Times like these we need Megan Carpentier to put these people in their place.
8:44 -- Where is Ben Johnson when you need him? Oh right... being gay somewhere.
8:46 -- Mitt Romney says he cares about alternate sources of energy = social! Not quite false enough to merit a waterfall.
8:47 -- Like these fucks care about plant subsidies. Talk about baby-killing, or the killing of fetuses, or however they say it.
8:48 -- Giuliani denies Politico story about using NYC tax money to support his affairs, saying he had to be protected by security at all times. Ben Simon, eat your heart out.
8:49 -- I just spent 30 seconds of my life watching a self-promo video from the Tancredo campaign.
8:51 -- Hunter: "China is cheating on trade." China is such a misogynist pig! Trade was always a good lover for it. Who are you cheating with, China? Mutual funds?!
8:53 -- Fred Thompson's self-promo video was so mind-boggling... was so atrocious... was so... funny that CNN had to cancel a planned commercial break, and Thompson is speechless. Aaaaand the Thompson campaign is righteously fucked.
8:54 -- Mike Huckabee's priest used to kick him in the ass or something. Cold, cold Blowvember rides anew.
8:56 -- Commercial break, now that Fred Thompson is done saying nothing. Jumping to a new thread, right here. Join?