The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Abortion, Vikings, And The Obvious Grift

The Sarah Palin Channel is conducting a fascinating investigation into just how little content it can publish without losing subscribers. Palin has published fewer than 22 minutes of video this month, and even that abysmally small number is inflated. For example, Palin's post on December 4th is three minutes and 26 seconds long, but the final 1:20 is a SarahPAC video posted to YouTube more than three years ago. The longest video she's posted this month was her Hunger Games-inspired Ask Me Anything (runtime: 6:44), which, by definition, is just Palin giving off-the-cuff responses to her fans' questions. And the only piece of content she's published in the last seven days is a 97-second-long video titled "The Never Resolved Debt Crisis," that was shot in 2013; this is spun as "never-before-seen" content, rather than a boring bowl of word salad that should have been left in the garbage where it was originally dumped.

Like a classic rock band on a never-ending farewell tour, Governor Quitterface is having trouble putting much passion behind what should be crowd favorites. On December 5th, she published a video explaining why freedom's just another word for nothing left to choose.

Hey friends! Y'know, back in the 1990s, Bill Clinton said that he wanted abortion to be safe, legal, and rare. Well, things really have changed since then, this is so unfortunate now — it appears as if Democrats, most Democrats, they want abortion to be safe, legal, and...celebrated? Mmmm [makes sucking-on-her-own-teeth sound].

Feminists, lately, who are in favor of abortion, they're encouraging women to write or speak publicly and glowingly about how great having an abortion is, how great it was for them and their careers. My goodness, I find this really, really sad.

This is a lazy smear even by Palin's standards. Of course she's mischaracterizing the anti-stigma campaigns of people like Cecile Richards and groups like 1 in 3, and of course she's engaging in facile and fallacious argumentation about what a real feminist thinks of abortion. That's not remarkable. What's remarkable is that Palin's two full months late to this party. Besides, as everyone knows, it's not really one in three women, it's three in ten, so shut up, you fake feminists. Real feminists squirt out babbies for Jesus.

That lag might seem inexcusable to Yr millennial Wonket and his East Coast media elite buddies, but Palin's subscribers are America's chain-email-forwarding aunts and uncles. They and their AOL accounts like to digest their news and pop culture a bit more slowly (on account of the acid reflux, probably). This copy of a tweet, for example, was posted by commenter "patriot1952" in response to Palin's "Never Resolved Debt Problem" post. We think it offers real insight into the Sarah Palin Channel's subscribers.

Yes, that's Canadian actress Katheryn Winnick as Lagertha, the female lead in the History Channel's Vikings series. No, we don't have a clue where "patriot1952" is going with this, or how a Viking lady is supposed to keep us vigilant against the scourge of national debt. Palin probably doesn't either, but as long as patriot1952's payments keep clearing, she won't really care.

Only the truest of true believers could argue that Palin's trying to maintain an honest grift. She is willfully and openly separating fools from their money, and she appears to be doing so without her subscribers demanding goods or services in return. Instead, the Sarah Palin Channel treats subscribers' fees as though they were supporters' donations, which is true genius — she maintains cash-flow from an established, national base of supporters, and because she doesn't have to file anything with the FEC, she basically gets to spend the money however she wants.

It's a strategy whose brilliance is matched only by its craven cynicism. We are frankly embarrassed we didn't think of the idea first.

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, presented by Fartknocker, was brought to you by Fartknocker.

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