A man gave us money to buy a subscription to the Sarah Palin Channel. That man was Fartknocker.

This week, on the Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented to You by Fartknocker, Sarah Palin travels back in time to a month ago, when Elizabeth Warren gave a big LIEBERAL word-word-word to Netroots Nation. The gays and commies at Netroots, they liked it! Sarah Palin, she did not like it so much. Let's listen!

This little clippy-clip, brought to us by Bob Cesca at Daily Banter, is all we have for you this week because Dan ran off with the Sarah Palin Channel login credentials (JUST $100 PER YEAR!) and hasn't been seen since. We are sure you are sad to only get 47 seconds of Sarah Palin's legendary wit and trenchant analysis, but you will just have to bear it.

Here, let's transcribe the comedy stylings of a certain internet teevee mogul mama grizzly halfterm governor griftress:

We believe ... wait, I thought fast food joints ... wait, don't you guys think they're like, of the devil or somethin'? Liberals, you wanna send those evil employees who would dare work at a fast food joint that you just don't believe in, I thought you wanted to send em to ... purgatory or somethin', till they all go vegan. [Pause for laughter.] ... and wages and picket lines they're not discussed in purgatory, are they? Why are you even worried about fast food wages. Well, we believe an America, minimum wage jobs, they're not lifetime gigs! They're stepping stones!


We shall not bang our heads against any rocks trying to point out that "an America" actually does have minimum wage jobs that are lifetime gigs, mostly for women who are heads of household. That Sister Sarah does not "believe" it does not make it any less true.

The rest of her point, of course, stands: liberals hate fast food employees for not being vegan, and we wish them to perdition* with their little children, who also aren't vegan and probably don't even vote. Man, that chick's really got our number. Also, she might want to invest some of her grift into some lights. That set looks like shit yo :(

*We believe Sarah Palin might have sidetracked herself when she realized if she said "hell" half her base would have torn their hair out and beaten their breasts because "hell" is a bad word that you do not say to old ladies in Jackson, Miss, so she got caught on "purgatory" instead. Nobody ever wishes anyone to purgatory, that's just fuckin' dumb. But perdition is a place you might wish someone to, if you are in the 19th century -- which, as Cesca points out, in one of her other points of rebuttal to Warren, Palin wishes to get government out of pay issues between employer and employee completely, so the 19th century is probably where the Polar Brain Vortex belongs.


Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

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Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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