The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Some Votes Are More Equal Than Others

On this week's installment of The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, presented by Fartknocker, Governor Quitterpants looks right into the camera and argues with herself for six minutes. Democracy is good, Palin says, and since the Republicans won in 2014, the will of the voters must be respected. In 2012, however, when Barack Obama became the first president since Eisenhower to win at least 50% of the national vote in successive elections — well, that didn't count. Not in the same way, anyhow. The voters did not vote to make Barack Obama king in 2012; instead, they voted to make Republicans king in 2014.

He's rejecting our democratic system, he's turnin' it into the Democrat system, big D, Democrat system. Failed policies. And he's placing our nation in grave danger.

In 2012, voters reelected President Obama, but they did not make him king. Yeah, they reelected President Obama, and I say quite often in some speeches that I give that, oh, 'The era of Obama is almost over,' got two more years, right, soon? It'll be over. And we'll survive this president -- the question is, Can we survive the people who voted for him twice?

Democracy — it's pretty complicated, you guys! To review:

    • Older, whiter, more conservative midterm electorate = Real Americans whose will must be respected
    • Younger, browner, more liberal presidential electorate = foolish children who cannot understand the true nature of this great country

Got that, libruls? When you vote for Republicans, Sarah Palin will allow you to eat at the adults' table, because the true meaning of freedom is having your ballot respected only when you vote for members of one party.

So, obviously, we've got the video for you, DUH, is this your first time here? (If so, welcome, and please excuse the mess.) But we are not the only ones who can show you this video — Palin apparently thought this story was important enough to release for free on her MyFacester account, a move that simply baffles Yr Not So Humble Correspondent. Sarah, honey, people aren't gonna buy the moose if you give away the moose milk for free. Talk to Bristol about this, she knows what's up.

People might think that Palin's just trying to get her message out to as many people as possible, that personal profit doesn't matter to her, but those people make us laugh and laugh and laugh, oh how they make us laugh. This self-inflicted breach of the mighty Palin paywall coincides with the Sarah Palin Channel offering a new, cleaner layout. Some of our very most favorite features, like the vocabulary building Word of the Day, are now buried at the bottom of the page (Today's word is "edify: (v.) to instruct or benefit, (v.) particularly in relation to intellectual or spiritual matters; to uplift.").

New look, new freemium approach to content? She's gotta be losing subscribers...right? Please, please let her be losing subscribers, so this can end.

Here's the video, to angry up the blood.

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, presented by Fartknocker, was brought to you by Fartknocker.

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