That's right, jerkwad, your sword is dirty, and I mean that in a metaphorical sense, too. While your wife has been readying her English language album for release in the States to capitalize on her new marriage, you've been gallivanting around the Middle East and I now just feel really sorry for Carla being your beard. Oh, you want to deny? I've got the photos, Nick, let's not pretend.

So, what is is about the swarthy men, Nick? I don't do it for you, but Sheik Khalifa bin Zayed Al Nahyan of the UAE does? Pathetic.

Stop pointing at me and laughing. If you fooled Carla Bruni with your supposed heterosexuality, you could've fooled anyone.

You're about to cross swords with the man, could it be any more obvious? God, I was such a fool!

I think you probably stroke your sword a lot, which is why you seem to be such a natural at it.

I bet you know a lot about tilting your head back and puckering up, but this way must hurt your knees a lot less.

Poor, poor Carla. I hope her album does well but, with the heartbreak she's got comin', I'll bet the next one makes Jagged Little Pill look like an album of love songs.

[Photos from the Association Press]