The Snake Oil Bulletin: Oh No, The Witches Have Cursed Donald Trump!
Well be with you, readers, and welcome once again to the Snake Oil Bulletin!
On today's bulletin, we take a look at the hardest working political action committee in America: The Witches! It seems election fever has gripped even our nation's pointy-hatted goth chicks, so let's see what these delightful warlocks of the eventide are doing to make America more American than ever.
Witches cast curse to make Donald Trump's hair fall out
Double-double, time for YOOGE trouble. It seems everyone's favorite merkin mannequin Donald "The Greatest" Trump has been making some enemies of late. No, we don't mean immigrants or women or black people or literally every American ever. This time he's offended the Witches!
Witches in the tiny New York fishing village of Brooklyn have not taken kindly to Trump's innocent declarations that Latinos are all rapists, murderers, and murderer-rapists. What gives? It's not like he said you were going to steal American jobs and/or white babies like every other candidate! So sensitive.
We’re both Cuban immigrants and his misguided attack on Mexican immigrants hit close to home, so she was happy to help.
In the video, Yeni's mother tells her of a curse to hex an enemy, in which the spellcaster writes the target's name on a piece of paper, places it in a jar of water, freezes it, then commands the Ice Queen to freeze his head. Oh Yeni, that won't do anything. Trump's brain has been on deep freeze since 1982.
Not thinking it was enough to save America from itself, Yeni contracted her friends and fellow brujas to curse Trump and his dumb fucking face, in a video posted to YouTube:
Included in the video are segments from some of the top names in the bruja community, including Pencil-Stache Granny-Scarf, Foxie Brown Pinata-Killer, and our personal favorite, Street Screamer in a Sweet Cape (seriously, Street Screamer, let us know where you got that cape; we have a couple of stuck-up Renn Fair jerks to show who's boss).
The assembled Wiccans tried various hexes, in particular a curse to make Trump lose his radioactively unstable coif of hair, so long an emblem of his idiocy that it allowed Trump Your Cat to become a thing.
By all accounts several of the people included in the video are not "real" witches, which was apparently obvious enough that the festering demons YouTube keeps trapped in Tartarus felt the requisite amount of outrage to escape their bonds and fly into meltdown mode in the comment section. Users angrily demanded that children should NOT MESS WITH WITCHCRAFT because they have no idea of the powers contained in their silly spells to make an old man lose his hair. They should be using those powers to HEAL, they insist.
Dears, stopping Donald Trump is the BEST way to heal this land. Sure it will be terrible for internet hack comedians like yours truly, but we're willing to live with that if it means Americans won't be subjected to 4 or even 8 years of YOOGE announcements that Donald was so incredibly smart that he only caused a minor nuclear war, no big deal.
The musicians involved in the video claim that they agreed to participate in the curse to repoliticize witchery.
“The central essence of the witch is and has always been political resistance,” said Suzy. “Witches were born out of their natural resistance to patriarchy, to the level of greed and entitlement that produces scumlords like Donald Trump. We need to re-politicize the witch, the way feminists did in the ‘70s. Let’s take advantage of their existing fear of women, of immigrants, of black and brown folks. And let’s have a little fun with it.”
Anything that is done to freak out the conserva-prudes is A-OK with us. So dear readers, go wave a dead chicken over a photo of the candidate of your choosing, preferably in front of your local megachurch. And no, no one gets extra credit for waving a ham biscuit over Lindsey Graham. He'd like that too much.
Terrorist arrested for threatening local children with dihydrogen monoxide
America has reached new levels of terroristical vigilance in the wake of 9/11's NEVERFORGET-iversary. Police thankfully apprehended that villainous teenage clock maker, no doubt preparing to return to his den of Muslimy chocolate and small wooden puppets.
But police and FBI thwarted yet another potential attack at the end of August, when a California woman was detained for posting a sign threatening to douse locals in dihydrogen monoxide, AKA the most deadly chemical in human history: water.
Terrorist mastermind Tammy Hall, long stationed in the terrorist training cell known to locals only as "Long Beach," posted a sign on August 26th in nearby white people neighborhoods that Jihad had finally come to America! Quote the flyer:
Sometime around midday, Temple & 3rd is declared a war zone. We will not care if you are unarmed. ☺ If you enter the area you may be exposed to large amounts of dihydrogen monoxide. It would be better if you came prepared. Safety third!!
For those in the chemistry know, dihydrogen monoxide is a volatile mixture of hydrogen and oxygen, long used by communists, anarchists, and anti-government extremists to torture spies, drown enemies, mix explosive chemicals, and freshen their begonias. After posting the dire warning, a local citizen reported the sign to police as "alarming and a threat to the community" (according to the police spokeswoman) spurring local officers to visit Hall's home to investigate.
What police saw when they arrived would curl a chickenhawk's hair: Hall's lawn stood bedecked for a war zone. The ground was strewn with semi-automatic super soakers, exposed kiddie pools, and improvised explosive devices that go by the street name "water balloons." When questioned by police, Hall claimed that she conducts such morbid war games every year, as part of a child soldier training program with local youth to celebrate the end of the holy month of summer vacation. Police sprung into action:
Hall was detained for over two and half hours while the officers communicated over their radios, letting Hall know that while they were aware they were responding to a water fight “it was out of the LBPD’s hands."
Out of their hands, just like 9/11 was out of George Bush's hands according to people who like George Bush. Thank White Christian Republican God that this attack was thwarted in time.
Marlene Arrona, a spokesperson for the department, confirmed officers were dispatched to Hall’s neighborhood to investigate suspicious activity. She said a passerby who found a posted sign “alarming and a threat to the community” notified the LBPD and a threat investigation was conducted as part of the department’s investigation. Despite Hall's comments about the FBI, Arrona maintained the LBPD is the lead agency in the investigation.
True, the FBI was not involved in this particular case, but it's a crime that they weren't. If the police hadn't acted quickly enough, Hall's insidious campaign could have gotten ones if not tens of local children wet!
While police couldn't book Hall on the obvious charges of planning a mass-soaking, they did cite her with posting an illegal sign for which she will have to appear in court and possibly face a fine. When reached for comment, the criminal mastermind stood flabbergasted that her devious plot had been discovered:
In an age where most people have smartphones, [Hall] was of the opinion that it was ridiculous to think a person would get reported for a threatening sign that also contained a smiley face.
“If you see something that causes you some alarm you’d look into what you’re alarmed about, I would think,” Hall said. “Never in my wildest dreams did I think people would actually be scared. I thought actually it would be a good laugh.”
Joke's on you, lady. If you'll recall, the CIA's daily brief on August 6, 2001 was called "Bin Laden Determined to Strike in US ;) ;) :P Eggplant Plus Pizza Equals Thumbs Up Emoji"
For her part Hall remains unrepentant about her complicity in this scheme, telling her followers via coded message:
I’m just glad we didn’t list the side effects of dihydrogen monoxide—that would’ve made it worse.
God bless America.
Flotsam, Jetsam, and Hokum
- Did you catch the GOP "oh god no one of these ingrates is actually going to be our president" debate? Never fear, Wonketteers, you can reliveeverysoul-crushing moment with a bottle(s) of booze and your Wonkette.
- Which Republican has the biggest Reagan wang? Find out with us!
- Those nice members of the Abercrombie Master Race of Latter Day Saints are already preparing for the oncoming GOP clusterfuck, or as they call it, Armageddon.
- Who will stand up for the poor Christian pencil-pusher's right to be a dick to other people? Why it's Bobby Jindal to the rescue!
- New Mexico is on the forefront of the fight for religious freedom in America. Unless you have no religion, in which case, haha guess you lose your kids.
- Let Pat Robertson's God put his tongue inside you. It's so much grosser than that sounds.
- An angry black woman was arrested and sent to a mental hospital for the crime of owning a nice car. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, then get night-sticked back down.
- Heretic Christian, refusing to stand up for his sincerely-held beliefs, bakes a cake for gay people anyway, in clear violation of like all of the ten commandments.