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Before Russia ever rigged an election for Donald Trump (ALLEGEDLY -- oh, who are we kidding?), Nikolas Cassadine (of Russian descent) rigged an election for Janice Lomax in Port Charles, NY.


Say who? say Wonkette readers who never heard of these people because they do not actually exist. And they do not exist BECAUSE THEY ARE SOAP OPERA CHARACTERS! No, Wonkette, you do not want us to read about soap opera characters. We care about the real people and real consequences of the -- wait, holy shit, the Trump administration is all soap opera characters. Okay, tell us more, Wonkette.

OK, we will!

Nikolas did this rigging with PAPER BALLOTS in actual stuffed boxes -- and hid the evidence in his house. Cause these soap opera characters are as dumbass as Michael Cohen of the Brooklyn Cohens who kept it all on tape and the FBI did its rad raid and now have it all. Well, on the soap opera, a 7-year-old found the ballot boxes -- and unlike in 'Murica when an election is rigged, on soap opera, you get to hold a whole new special election. And ... wait for it ... RIG IT AGAIN!

This time, right as the polls were about to close, a scandalous story about the FEMALE mayoral candidate broke, and guess what, the billionaire male candidate won. In all fairness, the billionaire male candidate is a good guy and when he learned his money-laundering, land-fracking, real estate mogul friend dropped that story on his behalf, he worried over and over -- will they think I colluded? NO COLLUSION! And there wasn't. WE SWEAR.

But that female candidate, she knows what's really up in the reality show soap opera thing in the actual Washington. When this upstate NY town had a devastating earthquake (cause FRACKING), the new mayor said he had to call the White House for help. The woman who would not be mayor gave him the side eye and said, "THIS White House?" A few days later, new mayor Ned Quartermaine had to admit FEMA was useless.

But, wait, that's not it. General Hospital is apparently UP TO HERE with this Trump bullshit even if many of its viewers (not this writer, no sir) go insane any time politics interrupts their stories. (Why is this Facebook guy on? Why do they have to always wait till 2 pm?) GH don't care, cause GH keeps going there.

A man spent five years in a RUSSIAN clinic presumed dead (kinda) by his loved ones at home. A British man he met on a steamship to NY (it's a soap -- OF COURSE he's on a steamship) filled him in on the last five years and handed him a newspaper. He explained Brexit and told him wait till you see about YOUR country with HE WHO THEY SHALL NEVER NAME ON GH, BUT WE KNOW.

GH peppers it all in there. A random immigrant character we never heard of wanted by ICE who the hospital nurses and the police commissioner managed to hide. And there's the veteran addicted to opioids, with the doctors lamenting how the government isn't doing enough. WE SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

And now we have the female med student whose mentor wants more and is willing to go to any soap lengths to get it. Oh noes! #KikiToo. (Yes, her name is Kiki -- just deal with it.)

So, the network that has gifted us Roseanne (can we gift it back?) is being FAIR AND BALANCED (for realz, not like that other network). Troll Trump during Love In The Afternoon, and well, then shit Roseanne all over us as a nightcap.

Can't have everything, folks, but we'll take what we can get.

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