The State Of The Donald Trump Is BIGLY TREMENDOUS YOOGE!

NBC News has some very fun access gossip journamalism from Howard Fineman in advance of Donald Trump's first State of the Union address (come not watch it with us!), full of little nuggets Trump's pals whispered into Fineman's ears for the sake of having it copied down verbatim. The "news," such as it is, is that DONALD TRUMP IS SO VERY HAPPY, BIGLY HAPPY, everything is going great, his wife DEF HAS NOT been staying at a hotel most nights lately, and he just can't wait for this second year of his very successful presidency!

Trump "reportedly" has a spring in his step and he is shaking his tail feathers, according to friends, because he knows Money Laundering Literal Actual Foreign Agent Paul Manafort is DEFINITELY not going to "flip" and tell Robert Mueller the bad news about Trump. He's also "reportedly" excited because he won't even have to fire Robert Mueller, because they have a PLAN for that! It is a very underpants gnomes plan, but hey, details are for Democrats and Devin Nunes will fill in the blanks later:

"I think he's been convinced that firing Mueller would not only create a firestorm, it would play right into Mueller's hands," said [a Trump] friend, "because it would give Mueller the moral high ground."

Instead, as is now becoming plain, the Trump strategy is to discredit the investigation and the FBI without officially removing the leadership. Trump is even talking to friends about the possibility of asking Attorney General Jeff Sessions to consider prosecuting Mueller and his team.

"Here's how it would work: 'We're sorry, Mr. Mueller, you won't be able to run the federal grand jury today because he has to go testify to another federal grand jury,'" said one Trump adviser.

That is a fleshed out plan!

1) Indict Robert Mueller!

2) Make Devin Nunes write a secret memo about it, using fresh poop, Elmer's Glue and glitter.

3) ???????????


Aside from the dumb Mueller matter, according to Fineman, Trump is calling his old friends to tell them how bigly tremendous everything is going for him, that he loves White House now ("I love this place!") and that he really loves going AIRP'ANE! on Air Force One all the time like ZOOM ZOOM ZOOM I AM SO HIGH IN THE SKY I AM GRABBING GOD BY THE PUSSY RIGHT NOW!

Now, it's not all rosy dingleberries in Trump's world, as Fineman reports some of the president's joy comes from the Bad Places. Like for instance, Trump is literally delusional. Also the thing above, about how he is definitely going to make Jeff Sessions indict Robert Mueller for yet-to-be-invented crimes. But the point is Trump is even sexcited about that stuff! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

In conclusion, Trump has the best plan, because he is the best president, everybody says so, even the Democrats.

Now get to work, Devin Nunes! Daddy Kompromat's got some new lies for you to make up about Robert Mueller!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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